Monthly Goals Report July - Aug

July 20 - August 20, 2017

So here's the short of it:
Weight 278, meaning I lost 4 lbs., and 12 lbs since restarting. We're going with "that's good," in spite of it being only 40% of goal. Other measurements are pretty encouraging: lost an inch around my thigh, and half an inch around my neck, and gained an inch around my bicep. Here's the graphic:

My goals for this month were:

• Lose 10 lbs (nope, lost 4, which would be under goal for a normal month... it's ok... I lost weight...)
• Eat 2000 or less calories a day (adjusted up from 1930) -- did this 25 out of 32 days, and only went seriously over (2650 calories) 1 time
• Walk to work every day -- nailed it, plus walked home a few times and went hiking, etc.
• Track my calories daily / write down every single thing I ate -- nailed it
• Strength train every other day with no more than one 2-day rest period a week -- nailed it, until last week when I fell WAY off the wagon, have only worked out once since last Thu

Soooooooooooo.........

OK, the good: I lost weight. Not only did I lose weight, but I seem to have broken through the 280-boundary that I was feeling stuck at. Just don't sabotage that and I'll be on track to keep losing. When I was first trying to lose and track my weight a couple years ago I was at 245 and feeling like I could never get back down to my goal weight (190) with so far to go. Now, I keep remembering, "OK, I can be smaller. I weighed 245 three years ago. I weighed 195 six years ago. I can get back there." Oddly enough I have one co-worker who keeps reminding me (and she didn't know me back then, which makes it even stranger, but more encouraging in a way) "It didn't all go on in a month, it isn't gonna come off that fast, either."

More good: I am very pleased to see that I have lost an inch off my thigh, and half an inch off my neck, and that I gained a whole inch around my bicep. Even though my belly and waist aren't much smaller (my pants still fit the same) I now see empirically that I am in fact losing body fat, and gaining muscle.

I hate to use an already overused cliche, but overall I am getting the feeling I need to "lean in" to this a little more. I made the broad-strokes changes, and after 3 months of tracking and learning from it, I think I see now where I can put more focus without screwing it up. Calories and fitness, of course.

I need to restrict my daily calories a little tighter without decreasing my food volume. If I feel hungry, I'm going to eat, that's all there is to it. I need to find some places to replace fat and carbs with fiber or protein. I was been causally / anecdotally testing the waters to see if I can get 50% of my calories from plant-based food, and I think I can do it... I might try that for the Aug - Sept month and see what happens.

I also need to work out a little more. I've adapted 100% to walking to work, it never occurs to me to take the car any more. (We'll see what happens the first time I wake up to 2 feet of snow...) And I'm doing ok on strength training, but I think I need to add a little more full-body exercise to my routine, make it a little longer, just do a little more. I'm not sure what. My current fitness routine developed organically, so I'm going to let this next step do the same. Goal for the Aug - Sept month will be to increase my workout time overall to 30 min, and include some new element, maybe HIT or maybe I'll give yoga another whirl (I hated it before, so..... that either means it's totally the right thing, or I was right and yoga is stupid... not sure which.)

I had a couple times this month that I was very discouraged and felt that familiar feeling like I was about to throw in the towel. Particularly when I just kept yo-yo-ing back up above 280, I just wanted to say fuck it and go bury myself in a pile of fried food and eat my way back to the surface with a side of mayo. But, I didn't. I'm not even sure how truthfully, other than every time it happened, that voice in my head would say, "No, this is not the end of the road. You are not going to quit. Giving up now means that other voice is right, and you really are fat and a failure." And somewhere I found the conviction to just move on from setbacks. I realize now that just because I don't make my monthly goal is not a reason to quit -- then I won't make any more goals. I hate failure. But I'm not going to allow it to make me turn back any more. Push through adversity. Be the boss I act like I am.

And remember the wins. I've lost 12 lbs. so far. I've lost an inch off my thigh and and half an inch off my neck and my muscles are getting bigger. My cardio conditioning is coming back really well, and I can tell I am getting stronger. I'm sleeping better and I'm in a better mood. I haven't had what I would classify as a binge in over a month, and my preference for healthy foods is increasing. I had a funny proof of that the other day -- I said, "I want Ranch dressing on my salad today, I'm gonna have it." And then, it tasted gross to me. So, there is positive stuff happening, I just need to keep working at it.

2 Week Experiment

OK so I mostly discovered that weighing yourself twice a day and recording it to the 10th of  a pound makes you crazy.

As I said I was going to, I have tracked my weight every day AM & PM for the last 14 (15 including today) days. In that 14 days span, I actually gained 1.2 lbs. However, if I include today's weight of 278.8 (which is also my lowest recorded weight during the measuring period) I have lost 1.6 lbs., and 11.2 lbs since I started tracking again. I'm trying to focus on that number.

Here's the breakdown on what I discovered:

My weight fluctuated 8.4 lbs over the course of 2 weeks, with my highest weight being 287.2 last Sunday after a 2 day slug-binge-fest (first full weekend off in weeks -- excellent justification) and down as low as 278.8 two days before, coming into that weekend. So I packed on 8 1/2 lbs in two days. If that little snafu hadn't happened, I might have continued downward instead of having to fight my way back down.

I can't seem to break below 280. I'm stuck for some reason. I got to 279 / 278 four times but couldn't stay there. Every time I saw a 7 on the scale instead of an 8 I would get this spike of happiness, like  Holy shit I did it!! Then the next day.... boom! back up to 280whatever. It's infuriating. It's also very discouraging.

So we'll see what happens tomorrow. I have the day off today, so I'm going to try not to fill up on comfort food. I can't make any promises.

Here's the data from my experiment in charts:

And here's a graph of my daily weight and daily average weight:

Weigh-in Wednesday: mixed results this week

Yes, I know it's Thursday.

So, mixed results this week. I actually gained a pound. I'm disappointed.

Blue Hill Mountain Summit via the Becton Trail, July 29th, 2017

However, I met my fitness goals (blew 'em out of the water, actually) and tracked my diet & exercise every day, and met my walking goal every day. Last Wednesday we went for a 9 mile hike on the Carriage Trails around Witch Hole Pond and the Paradise Hill Loop, and on Saturday we climbed up Blue Hill Mountain. I did not, however, meet my calorie goals; I went significantly over my calorie target two times this week.

And, obviously I did not meet my weight loss goal. In fact, having gained a pound when I needed to lose 2 to stay on track, I might have derailed my month goal of losing 10 lbs. I think I might be able to still meet my baseline goal of 1.5 lbs. a week, as long as I do 100% of my goal the rest of the month. But that will mean I still have to play catch-up next month to get back on track.

Witch Hole Pond, July 26th, 2017

I need to look deeper into what is happening with my weight. I feel like I keep losing and gaining the same 10 lbs. over and over again. I can't seem to get below 280, except for literally one day last week I was 279, and then by mid-week I saw 286 one morning and was like, "Fuuuck. I'm not gonna get to 278 by Wednesday, am I?" On the one hand, I have been working out, walking every day, and we did a couple very strenuous hikes this week -- and I can feel that my pecs and biceps are getting bigger, so possibly it is partly muscle gain. But that isn't all.

I am going to start recording my weight twice a day for a couple weeks and see if I can see a pattern, because I feel as though I perceive one. Like... my weight always seems to bottom out around Tuesday or Wednesday then I always seem to pack on 2-3 lbs. over the course of the week, sometimes I see half-day spikes like 5 or 6 lbs. It's like there is some critical mass I am stuck at. (Yes, I know body stasis is a real thing.) Then, I have a scale-panic and restrict my calories way back for a couple days and voila! I'm back down to 280-281..... So, I need to start tracking my weight closely for a bit and cross reference it with my diet and activity level. I need to see things empirically for myself.

Anyway. It was a mixed bag this week. My focus for next week is going to be to buckle down and just meet my daily goals every single day and hopefully at least salvage my baseline.

Food triggers and binge eating

So in this post I said, "After two months of monitoring this, ruminating on it, Googling it, and generally letting it settle into my brain I have been forced to accept that simply saying that late night eating is my real problem is not sufficient to addressing it -- I have to actually not eat."

As they say, acknowledging a problem is the first step. Not the step, right? There's more to it. Next is addressing it. So, let's address my binge eating at night.

Let's start with a confession: I can easily consume 3 or 4 times as much food as a regular person.

Here's some binge eating I regularly do:

• When I make a meal, especially pasta, I will eat the equivalent of a whole meal out of the pan as I am preparing it, so that I can also eat a semi-large "meal" and make it look like I am eating normally.
• Sometimes I will make myself two cheese and mayo sandwiches as a "snack" and eat them both in 3 or 4 bites each. (Note that is like a 1000 calories in 3 minutes.)
• Sometimes I eat so fast that food packs down into my throat because my esophagus can't get it into my stomach as fast as I'm swallowing it -- I'll have to stop and guzzle water to flush the food into my stomach so I can keep eating.
• If I am really, really hungry when I eat a meal, I eat so fast that I am already eating a second full helping before I even start to feel like I ate at all.
• I secret-eat. The eating out of the cooking pan as I prepare is secret eating. In general, that is my secret-eat MO: I eat large portions of the food I am preparing for dinner before it ever gets to the plate, and I will follow up with a few bites every time I go into the kitchen during and after the meal, too.
• With some foods like pasta, chips or crackers, I will eat them until they are gone. I will even try to stop and I can't. I'll be shoveling it in and even though I am thinking, "I have to stop," I just can't make the fork stop going into my mouth. (NOTE: with this one, I am having a lot of success changing, I have been able to stop or avoid all together lately.... gotta keep that track.)
• Alcohol. Sometimes I will have a glass of wine after work, before dinner, and it kills my appetite. I sometimes end up drinking all night instead of eating, because the calories from alcohol fool your body into thinking you ate. So then one of two things happens: either, I am just destroyed apocalyptic hung over the next day (which is getting harder and harder on me as I get older) or -- maybe worse -- just before bed, I will tell myself I need to eat something so I'm not crazy hung over tomorrow, and because I'm drunk and have no willpower, I eat some marathon like 2000 calories or total garbage then go immediately pass out. 

There. If you didn't already feel you knew too much about me, there's some really ugly stuff.

So, I've done a lot of reading about binge eating disorder and food addiction. I know that am an emotional eater, and I am starting to be able to recognize the triggers. I eat for stress relief and I eat when I'm bored. 

I have this vivid recollection where I got a subpoena delivered to my door by a cop. That's like every trigger in one package. I fear and distrust police officers. I have a near panic attack when someone knocks on my door without calling first. (I normally will not answer the door if I don't know who it is.) And getting a subpoena played out a whole nightmare scenario. Anyway -- I found myself eating directly out of the refrigerator, actually folding a sandwich in half so I could eat it faster. I don't recall going in the kitchen, or starting to eat. 

"Trigger foods" seem to be a big focus of a lot of the info that is out there about binge eating and food addiction. I find that I have more psychological or emotional triggers than any specific foods that cause me to have a binge. There are certain foods that are my go-to foods, but I think they are very common ones because of their fat-carb-reward loop: pasta, bread, chips (really crackers for me more than chips.) Also, these are foods that are easy to consume large portions of very quickly, and produce the proper dopamine effect that most people experience as "food coma." 

Since I have been approaching my diet, fitness and health goals as a whole lifestyle change, I have been experiencing a lot of success dealing with triggers without binge eating. I find that I have to concentrate really hard sometimes, but I can listen to what my body is telling me versus the urge to gobble down everything I can get in my mouth. When I want to go in the kitchen and "grab a snack," I am able to pay attention and determine if I am actually hungry or not. If I am actually hungry, I'll eat something. If I'm not actually hungry (like when I can feel that my belly is full but I'm still planning a meal in my head,) that is when we're in the danger zone.

So what do we do in the danger zone?

• I start with water. Drink down a nice big glass of water, fast. I get the visceral satisfaction of swallowing a large portion of something. And water filling your belly does satisfy your hunger pangs long enough for your brain to evaluate if you're really hungry or not. It is also a true fact that your brain has a difficult time differentiating between hunger and thirst, so sometimes you really are just thirsty. Luckily, I also love water, it is my #1 favorite beverage, always has been. So I have a lot of success using water to help me get through triggers.
• Exercise. This one is new for me, and I discovered it organically. (Another thing I had to discover empirically for myself, couldn't just take everyone's word for it...) I'll feel a hunger pang when I know I should not be hungry (like I already ate...) and I'll grab my free weights and do a couple reps. Next thing I know, I've forgotten all about eating. 
• Try willpower. As my nutritional health is increasing, I find this one to be a lot easier. Sometimes simply telling myself, "I'm not actually hungry, it's just a trigger," actually works. I'm actually not hungry, because I'm eating enough dietary fiber and vegetables that increase my satisfaction with meals, I am not nutritionally starved so these triggers are more readily identified as merely culprits, not legit hunger.
• Still can't totally stop? Maybe I am actually hungry. Eat something that is not a binge food. Some grapes or other fruit, or a couple spoonfuls of low fat cottage cheese, or one turkey-cheese roll-up. And immediately drink some water and get the f**k out of the kitchen. This one is a last resort. Stopping binge behavior with food is a slippery slope for the obvious reasons.

I'd like to conclude by saying: the best way to overcome eating triggers is SUCCESS. 

Last night I knew I was going to hit my weight loss goal for the week, because I was already there. All I had to do yesterday was not gain anything and I was set to win this morning. -- And I did it. -- One of my biggest triggers is a self-sabotage I've struggled with forever: I get so close to truly making a lasting change in my weight and health and right when I get to the brink, I fail big. And that justifies a binge, or giving up totally, which reinforces the "why do I bother?..." 

So last night, there I was, right on the brink of making my weekly goal. It's just one sleep away, and I'm already there. All I have to do is just maintain. I ate my healthy salad for dinner and some fresh cherries for a snack after. And then.... every time I go in the kitchen, I'm lookin' in the fridge, "I just need a snack." No. I don't. 

And I got through it with willpower -- I just kept my eyes on the prize: I'm at my goal, I'm not gonna fuck that up just so I can shove a meal I don't need down my throat one time. I did compromise with myself, and I ate some cottage cheese about an hour before bed, and that satisfied me. And when I woke up this morning and got on the scale.... and found not only was I at goal, I was 1 lb. below, I was elated. I did it! It seems silly to have felt that proud of myself for such a small thing, but it really was a big thing. I confronted a lifelong self-destructive patterns and won. Not saying the battle is over, but every success makes me feel more and more like I can do it.

Weight-In Wednesday: lost 3 lbs. and big-boy breakfast

I did it! I made my goal for the week, plus a little. (Which is exactly what I said, "I need to be be at goal or a little ahead, instead of playing catch-up the rest of the time. Those little misses add up to big misses.")

This week's weight goal was 280, and as of this morning I am at 279. SWEET -- saw a 7. This means overall I have lost 3 lbs. this week and 11 lbs. overall since May. And that also means that really, I have lost 10 lbs. twice because in the end of June my weight blimped back up to 290. Gonna aim to not let that happen again.

I've discovered something empirically that I could not accept based on the word of others, even everyone:

I need to restrict my calorie intake at night.

I weight myself every day, twice a day. And, nearly every time I am as much as 3 lbs. lighter in the afternoon than I am first thing in the morning. The only times this has not been true were when I consciously stopped myself from eating into the evening and then my weight in the morning is right at, or just barely a sliver under my weight from the previous afternoon.

After two months of monitoring this, ruminating on it, Googling it, and generally letting it settle into my brain I have been forced to accept that simply saying that late night eating is my real problem is not sufficient to addressing it -- I have to actually not eat.

I use Google Fit to track my activity level and my BMR during the day and when I get home from work any given day I am usually at a 600-1000 calorie deficit for the day, which is right on target. For my overall goal, I am working toward being at a 750 calorie deficit every day with exercise calculated as part of it. That will (mathematically at least) allow me to lose 1.5 lbs per week. So then... I plant my ass in front of the TV and start eating. There are days more than 50% of my calories are consumed at home in the evening. And there are plenty of nights I go way over that.

I have found a couple things that help remedy that. Mostly, shifting a lot of my calories to breakfast makes a big difference. And secondarily to that, eating my greasy carbs at lunch (if I want them) seems to neutralize their negatives and maximize their positives. Yes there are positives such as: me being happy because I get to eat a french fry or a fried fish sandwich once in a while, and the calorie-fat-carb blast in the middle of the day keeps me going through the "late day slump." On the regular my lunch is a salad, but if I want crispy fried chicken on top of it, I have it. Or if there is something irresistible like coleslaw. Mmm. I need to be psychologically satisfied with my meals, too.

Oddly enough, I have to face weird reactions to eating a big breakfast. Where I work, we eat our meals together, in the dining room, with the residents (I work in an assisted living / nursing home.) And I often get comments like, "Well that's a big-boy breakfast isn't it?" Or, "Gee, are you hungry?" (To which I always simply say, "Yep.") (Note I could show up at the table with a 1000 calorie LUNCH on my plate and no one would bat an eyelash, but I eat a full plate of food at breakfast and it's a "big boy breakfast.")

My average breakfast runs around 600 calories. I normally have 2 scrambled eggs, gluten free toast, an apple, half a banana and either oatmeal or yogurt (but not both) and if there is bacon -- obviously, it's bacon. Eating a nice, big breakfast gives me energy through the day, makes it so I can eat a much lower calorie lunch (usually I eat a large salad with whatever protein is being served -- chicken or fish, etc.) and I have the balance of the day for my metabolism to actually use the fat calories instead of store them. My mood throughout the day is also higher and more positive if I had a good breakfast, and I am able to handle stress and demanding situations a lot more readily.

So yes. It is a "big-boy breakfast," because I'm a big boy and I have a lot of work to do. I'm working on not reacting emotionally to criticisms of my weight (which is what commenting on the size of a meal really is.) It's easy to knee-jerk to a defensive reaction, but I do try to save those for the deserving (like the asshole who made a shitty comment to me at an ice cream shop -- yeah I told that guy to go fuck himself, "I have an idea: how about you keep your fucking opinion to yourself where it belongs. What? You thought I came here for a salad maybe? So yeah. Fuck off." .... pretty sure is what I said that time.) But in general I am working on using my Zen on people's opinions / reactions to my weigh and fitness goals the way I do with nearly everything else. I'm making progress, but it's slow going.

At any rate, it's a good week. Lost 3 lbs. Met my exercise, activity, and tracking goals, and I am feeling stronger and healthier. I am going to write a separate entry about the night eating and some goal setting surrounding that. Stay tuned.

I'm Getting Stronger

Noticed today that my strength training is getting easier. And my form is getting smoother, and my muscles warm up easier. And I'm starting to feel a difference, especially in my chest and arms; can't see it yet, but you will. Combined with walking to work every day, I'm sleeping better and have more energy.  I've kept to my fitness goals for 2 months now, which is like a month and three weeks longer than ever before. #fitnessgoals #strong

Monthly recap - lost 8 lbs - new goals

Today is two months (61 days) since I started tracking my weight, diet & exercise again. My current weight as of yesterday is 282 lbs., meaning I have lost 8 lbs. That's good. I'll take that. However, based on my goal of losing 1.5 lbs / wk, I am running behind. I should have lost 13 lbs. by now.

Hold up now! No one needs to jump all over me with t-shirt wisdom about accepting my journey or focusing on the positive of losing 8 lbs. I am very pleased to see my weight going down. And I have been walking every day and strength training at least 3x a week, and I can see positive changes in my body and in my health.

In fact, I was ecstatic to see 282 the other day because it is the lowest number I've seen in years, and I was already struggling with not seeming to be able to get below 283. I'd keep getting back down to 283 then seeing a higher number again the very next day. (Yes, I weigh myself every day, I don't care what they say about it.) I had a couple "regressions" this month -- some late night binge eating and some poor meal choices several days in a row and I actually saw my weight go back up to 290 last week, which was the trigger of one of those binge eating nights. (Also had some unwelcome stresses at work that I worked through with a pizza and a gallon of vanilla ice cream...) Then, after a couple days back on track nutritionally, and a little self control, and the scale started going the other way again. But I still kept getting hung up at or near 283, which was a weight I dropped down to very quickly right at the beginning, so it was already the bar so to speak. On weigh-in day this week I was still at that bar, 283. I was so disappointed, almost as much as the day I stepped on and saw that I was all the way back to ground zero at 290. So I weighed myself the next day, with grim expectations and instead got a jolt of happy adrenaline -- "Oh my god! 282!!" Nice. New bar set.

So I've lost 8 lbs. That's just under 1 lb. a week. That's ok. Losing 1-2 lbs. a week is the only realistic long-term pace. But I know I can do better. I can make my goal of 1.5 lbs. a week. I will be at 190 lbs. by my birthday NEXT summer. Losing 100 lbs in 15 months is possible. I will have to make up the 5 lb. deficit somewhere along the way.  It pushes my calculus up to needing to lose 1.6 lbs a week, or I might have another quick weight drop at some point. Or I could do a challenge this coming month and see if I can drop 12 lbs. That would be 2.7 lbs. a week. In those tiny increments it all looks so doable. If I stretched it over 2 months, that would be a fraction over 2 lbs. a week.

Ok that's talked through. So, let's say new goal: I will make up the 5 lb. deficit in no more than 2 months starting today. Meaning my weight by 9/20/17 should be 264 lbs. If I do it at an even pace, I should be at 273 lbs. by 8/20/17 (the day before my birthday,) which is a 10 lb. loss, or 2.25 lbs a week. I'll need to cut 1129 calories a day below my BMR to do that so.... 1935 calories a day. Ouch. But ok, I might be able to do that.

I also need to more aggressively pursue my fitness goals. Building muscle mass particularly at my age (45 next month) is the key to losing weight. Because my metabolism has changed as I get older, cutting calories and doing some cardio isn't enough. I have been backsliding a little on my strength training. The last two weeks I have gone down to every third day (two rest days) and a couple times it was every fourth day. Not good. I need to step that back up, starting today. Also because it has been disgusting hot and humid (truly it has -- 80% humidity and hazy hot sun) I have also been accepting rides home from work most days, so my walk has been cut in half. Gotta remedy that.

Alright. Time to get back on track.

July 20 - August 20 Goals:

Lose 10 lbs.: restrict calorie intake to 1935/day, lose at a consistent 2.25 lbs. per week
Walk to work every day, regardless of weather and walk home at least 3x a week
Strength training every other day, with one 2-day rest period allowed per week
Make a goal tracker for the wall at home that I check off daily

Blog relaunch

Almost 2 years since I wrote anything, three since I was serious about it.

So, I'm back. Started tracking my diet and exercise a little over a month ago, May 20th, 2017. At that time I was at least 290 lbs., maybe more. One-hundred pounds (yes, 100 lbs.) over my goal weight.

I've re-calibrated my goals to lose that 100 lbs by my 46th birthday which will be August 21, 2018 -- 15 months from when I started (this time...) That will require me to lose about 1.5 lbs / wk. which equals cutting about 750 calories a day below my BMR (basic metabolic rate, or the calories required to maintain my current weight.)

My current BMR based on my age, weight and activity level is about 2900 calories, so I am trying to stay in the 2100-2200 calorie range for now. I find if I eat less than 2000 calories I end up compensating with something like an entire bag of Doritos the next day, which appears as a 2 lb. jump on the scale the next day.

I've had to accept that I am not going to have some huge weight dump like I did last time. I'm over 40 (will be 45 in a minute) and quite overweight, and very out of shape, and it's slow going to get a train that big, going that fast in one direction to stop and start heading the other way. What I'm hoping is that it will get easier as I go, instead of how it has been in past attempts: big weight drop right away, lots of success and patting myself on the back from all the praise I got from my friends, and then... a plateau that I never got past, followed by a collapse back to my bad, old ways.

I have been walking to work every day, and home from work almost every day, which is 1 mile each way with a pretty steep uphill climb on both ends. I have also been strength training at home, and have stuck to my every-other-day (or two days in a row with 2 rest days) for six weeks now, which is a record for me. I've also been taking the stairs at work with a once-daily allowed elevator trip, and some days I don't use the elevator at all.

I've noticed some improvements right away:

• I'm sleeping better
• I find myself looking forward to the walk every morning (sometimes trudging home uphill after work is still a challenge...)
• My cardio conditioning is coming back -- I don't need any breaks on the morning walk any more (was 2) and only one (was 3) on the way home
• My Instagram is active again because I see things on my morning walk to take pics of every day
• I've started to like my strength training routine, which I just allowed to develop organically
• I'm finding that for some reason, this time around, I feel accountable to myself, and it's working -- I catch myself sliding on some goal (usually the weights workout) and I think, If I don't do it, I'm giving up. And I can't stand that, so I do it.

About this self-accountability thing:

I can't count how many times in my life I've looked back at some failed exercise or fitness attempt and thought to myself, "Well that was [however many years or even decades] ago, imagine if I'd been doing that every day since then..." And then I move on to some other topic that is easier to talk about, like television or my pets. I've finally come around to realizing that it really is my fault. I chose not to do those sit-ups. I chose to eat mayo right out of the jar. I chose to blame locker room bullies for why I am still fat 30 years later. I chose to close my eyes.

My eyes popped open when I saw this picture:

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Who the fuck is that fat guy?? Oh, shit. That's me in November 2016 (eight months ago.)

Where'd THIS GUY go?? From 2011??

(And I thought I was fat back then....)

That picture for some reason, really put it into perspective. I knew I was gaining weight. The blue shirt I'm wearing in the pic on the right above doesn't even button anymore -- it was loose on me in that pic. It was my favorite shirt, the go-to for a date or the bar. Same for the red v-neck next to it: last time I tried it on, it was tight like spandex and I couldn't pull it all the way over my belly. Also that necklace with the cross perfect in the dip of my clavicle won't go around my neck any more, I couldn't wear it if I wanted to. I am literally not that person any more, and I hate that.

Not saying I hate myself. In fact, I think I have come to love and respect myself way more than I did when either of those "skinny pics" were taken. Back then I thought I was as fat as I truly am now. I thought I was unhappy because of my weight, when the truth of course is the other way around. And I thought that losing weight was going to fix all my other problems, too.

I will now offer all the justifications I have for gaining 100 lbs. (Yes, I was at my goal weight back then, just needed to tone up some saggy places...)

I moved back to Maine in 2012 to care for my ailing mother, and my aging grandmother (whom my mother was no longer able to care for alone.) I was still a wreck from getting dumped by my rebound fling -- which was supposed to be medicine for the end of a horrible 5 year train wreck of a relationship -- and instead just messed me up worse. (For some reason I just fell apart when it did.) I had crash landed here with less than $500 in the bank, no job, and a place to live I couldn't afford. That first winter I really suffered. I was stressed about money constantly, wasn't sleeping, was drinking more and more heavily all the time, and living on restaurant food (burgers, fries and greasy everything.)

The winter of '12-'13 alone, I think I gained 30 lbs. I kinda freaked out about that the following summer, and I was getting my sea legs being back here, so to speak. I bought an elliptical and joined Weight Watchers and lost a dozen pounds. A year went by and I stayed about there, still not happy with my weight or my appearance, and still probably gaining a little, too. I stopped exercising.

Then in 2014 the shit hit the fan. My mother went into the hospital July 3rd, 2014 with her 3rd heart attack and never came out -- she was in either the hospital or a nursing home for 5 months, then died in December. Two months later, in February 2015, my phone rang at 9:30 pm and I was told by a nursing home worker that my grandmother had just died. Three years later I am just starting to be able to see all that in the rear-view.

The first year after it all happened is truthfully a drunk blur. I started drinking every day, getting drunk every day, mixing wine and shots of hard liquor. And when I wasn't getting drunk (or working, I did work...) I was eating my way through it: mac & cheese, Thai and Chinese takeout by the bushel, think nothing of having 4 cheese sandwiches for dinner and still eat a box of Cheez-Its while I watch TV in the recliner. My mother left me a very, very small amount of money (about 20k) and I pretty much ate and drank it. And shopped it. I totally spiraled down into total debauch. By the time I came up for air, I had gained all the weight back and then some. I was hitting 300 lbs.

I turned it around again for a little while, right around the time I met Matthew and we started dating. But it was not for long. Ironically, he and I did something really great and hard to do together, that made me gain weight -- we quit smoking cigarettes. And I packed on 25 lbs. I wouldn't go back, and in fact I gave myself carte blanche to eat my way through quitting. And boy did I. That guy up there in the necklace and the nice tan -- he was a 36 waist and wearing a men's medium. Today I can barely button my 40 waist and everything is XXL again.

OK - actually -- I wore a 38 waist yesterday for the first time in like a year. So, it's working. And since I have been walking every day and eating salads again, my belly is getting smaller. The number on the scale isn't dropping as fast as I'd like, but I am feeling better. And I'm enjoying making healthy changes, which is a first. I feel bogged down and vaguely sick now when I fill up on crackers and dip, instead of secretly telling myself I deserved a treat. Ick.

I don't know what's different this time, but I've changed my mind somehow. It's the same as I felt when we quit smoking this last time -- I just stopped. No patches. No gum (well, I did eat a lot of Altoids.) And no problems, I just stopped smoking, I was ready. I'd changed my mind about it. And that is how I feel about losing weight and getting fit this time -- I am that person now. It might be a while before it shows on the outside, but that's ok. I'm not doing it to get noticed.

Weigh-In Wednesday -- ouch, I gained 2 lbs

238. GAINED 2 lbs. this week, 15 lbs. lost overall.

Dammit. I gained weight. I got on the scale like 10 times before I was willing to accept it. haha.

I really did go off the rails this last week. I think I was testing myself to see how far I could push the limits of what is considered "on-plan." Here's what I found:

I stayed on plan in terms of my points, but I ate badly and in unhealthy patterns. I skipped breakfast a few times. I also ate pasta. And McDonald's (yesterday.) And I ate late at night a few times. So pretty much my old eating pattern, in spite of staying on my points.

There is a positive side to this. I was a lot more active this week. And I did really well with not eating bread -- the Quarter Pounder yesterday being the exception. I know that my body will freak out and hold onto fat when I make a major change in my diet, and stopping bread is definitely a big one.

I don't feel guilty about McDonald's. I consciously gave myself permission to eat there. I have not eaten McDonald's since I started WW's, and had not for a while beforehand. It was getting way out of control where I was eating at least one large meal there several times a week and sometimes on my day off I would go drive thru and get a huge bag of McCrack and go home and eat it all. I mean a big bag, like.... ok, confession time: 3 McDoubles, 3 McChickens, a 20-piece McNugget, large fries, and a large Coke; I didn't even make the pretense of getting Diet Coke. SO -- yesterday, having a quarter pounder, small fries and a Coke Zero was really a much more appropriate indulgence.

In fact, I probably put in that two pounds yesterday. I also ate birthday cake. It was my mom's birthday.

So the math goes like this:

Skip Breakfast + McDonald's For Lunch + Birthday Cake = 2 lbs.

Goals for next week:

• Lose at least 1 lb.
• Stick to the Good Health Guidelines 
• Let go of the failure and focus on moving forward

Weigh-In Wednesday

236 lbs., lost 3 lbs this week, 17 lbs lost overall.

*phew*

I was a little worried after not losing any weight last week.

Made some adjustments to my diet again this week. About mid-week, I decided to stop eating bread. Also went back on plan in terms of what types of food I was eating. I did under-eat a little bit. That's so ironic, I never imagined I would have a problem not eating enough,

But I also understand myself, and I know how my body works. I took the warning to heart from Weight Watchers that I was "losing weight too fast," but I also don't mind if I drop a lot of weight really quick. I need to reset my metabolism. I know I "shocked" my body so to speak with a couple weeks of dramatic under-eating, but it has made me more able to stay on plan. I'm not carb starved all the time any more because I cut so much carbs out of my diet, I have adapted to a lower-carb diet.

It also allows me to have indulgences once in a while, for example a burger and fries, which I did have last week. Two weeks ago when I didn't lose any weight, I had been eating a handful of fries every day. One of the take-aways from that week was, "OK, the all day grazing has to stop. If I'm gonna have french fries, I just gonna have them, with a meal and get it over with."

This week I have really been craving a pizza. I might have to let that be my freebie this week.

It feels good to be back on track.

Goals for next week:

• lose at least 1 lb.
• really get a handle on the no bread thing
• work out at least 3 days

Weigh-In Wednesday

A day late. I was hiding from the Internet yesterday. Still am today. I am going to share this post to FB and disappear again. But it's part of my overall strategy to keep up on this blog, so here ya go.

Anyway, 239 lbs., 14 lbs. lost so far.

I did not lose any weight this past week.

I am disappointed, but I was also kind of expecting it. WW's did warn me that I was losing weight too fast, and two weeks ago I really did go way under plan and it caused me to be really hungry for days after.

Anyway, what did I learn this week?

• Stay on plan, not under
• Eat more, earlier in the day
• I didn't eat enough vegetables last week
• I ate french fries
• if I'm gonna have fries, I should just have them once, with a meal, not the all-week grazing I did this past week. Oops, it was a bad slip

Technically, I lost 2/10th of a pound. I have a digital scale, but I am tracking my weight in whole pounds. Two weeks ago I was 239.6 and this Wednesday, I was 239.4. LOL Hey, it's something.

Goals for next week:

• Lose at least 1 lb.
• Eat more vegetables, every day
• Eat more, earlier in the day
• Go for a walk

Weigh-In Wednesday - Lost 3 lbs, 14 lbs. total

239, lost 3 lbs., 14 lbs total lost.
Also took my measurements, which I am tracking monthly:

• Upper Arm: 15 inches, gained 2 inches around my bicep
• that's good, it means the free weights are working
• Chest: 44 inches, lost 3 inches around my chest - excellent!
• Neck: 17.5, lost 1/2 an inch around my neck
• that is good, but I knew it was going to be a small result; I tried on my one-time favorite, every-day worn necklace that used to rest in the hollow of my throat and it was almost like a choker. LOL I thought, "Oh damn, still got some work to do..."
• Waist: 50.5, lost 1.5 inches around my belly -- awesome!
• Calves: 16 inches, lost 1 inch
• my activity level has increased, so I guess my calves were fat.
• Thigh: 25 inches, lost 1 inch off my thighs
• BMI: 31.5, still too high, but that is a 1.9% LOSS, down from 33.4

So, the observation I've been making lately is actually true. I've been noticing that my pants don't ride down as bad the last week or so. My belly is so big it pushes them down unless I cinch my belt until it's painful. I used to do that, but I can't any more. Anyway, the last few days I've noticed a marked drop in how often I have to hitch up my pants, and after I use the bathroom and re-set my wardrobe, I noticed it stays fixed for longer, easier. 

I'm very pleased with that. I hate fidgeting with my clothes all the time. It makes me self-conscious.

Also, reached an awesome Milestone with Weight Watchers, my 5% weight goal, meaning I have lost 5% of my starting weight. 

The reason that screen shot is cropped so high is because I want to celebrate my weight loss and my happiness at the success. However, there was also a warning that I am "losing weight too fast." Weight Watchers doesn't want you to lose more than 2 lbs. / week, and my average is 3.5 lbs a week.

I did go under plan a couple days last week, only ate about half of my points. And I was very hungry the following day both times because of it. However, even that feels kinda good: I have to eat more because my weigh loss is too dramatic. 

Not smoking cigarettes is also going very well. This Friday, October 10th will be 28 days, and I will be moving on to Step 3 with the nicotine patches. 2 more weeks wearing a lower does patch, and then I am technically done with them. At this time, I am feeling I don't care if I wear a nicotine patch the rest of my life, I'm not gonna smoke cigarettes. 

However, it is also getting easier and easier every day. My lifestyle routines are really adapted to not smoking. I am still using my e-cig a little bit. I am going through 1 disposable a week, which is about the equivalent of 1 pack of cigarettes in terms of how long they last. I don't use it at all in the morning, don't even think of it, except as something that has to go in my pocket because I want to use it at the end of my work day. 

I am going to try to go off the patch obviously. But, I might keep some in the house in case I freak out and start considering actually smoking. That's more than 2 weeks away anyway. My body memory of smoking cigarettes is going away really fast, it will be very diminished by then.

I am also feeling like a million bucks. I've got more energy. My house is cleaner. I'm taking better care of my body. I am starting to look forward to exercising instead of it feeling like a chore. I'm so pleased with all of it, I am starting to trust that I am making a lifelong change. It's still all a work in progress, but I'm enjoying doing it.

Goals for next week:

• Stay on plan, including eating enough (oddly enough... LOL)
• Keep working on my physical environment
• I didn't realize how disgusting my house was and I'm busy, so it's taking some time
• Work out 5 days

Weigh-In Wednesday - Lost 3 lbs.

Sweet,
242 lbs., lost 3 lbs., overall lost 11 lbs. so far.

I just caught myself, arms crossed, looking out the window and nodding to myself, "It's working."

It is totally working. I have always been shocked by the cause and effect in my life, I'm not sure why. But especially when it's my own behavior, I'm always like, "OH! Duh...." Like right now. I changed my diet for real, not just for a day or two, and there is a resultant change in me. Huh.. who knew? LOL

I'm really pleased to see this result, because I felt like I went off the wagon a couple times this week. Truthfully though, I ate a cheese burger and fries one time, which is normal, right? Once a week you treat yourself to some meal like that.

So-so on my goals for the week: I did eat breakfast every day, but I only worked out twice (goal is 5 times a week.)

So goals for next week:

• I wanna try one completely new meal this week, something I've never thought of before
• Work out 5 days

Weigh In Wednesday

245. I lost 2 lbs. this week.  Lost 8 lbs. total so far.

Had a couple days where I still went over my points. I stayed inside my weekly target though. However, it does matter that I went over daily.

Made some more adjustments to my diet:

• Started eating gluten free bread at work
• turns out gluten free bread is not gross
• Switched to Sprouted Grain bread at home
• Switched to low-fat Swiss cheese

I only worked out 2 days. Gotta work on that. I might add it as a goal on my WW online tracker. (Doing it now....)

OK, did it. But had to set it up on SparkPeople account, which is fine. They are more fitness oriented than Weight Watcher which is mainly focused on nutrition. 

Not smoking cigarettes is going swimmingly. I've noticed a few of my smoking cues are going away, which is awesome. I don't even look around for my e-cig when I take the dogs out. No problems in the car. Clearly it is not over yet, but I'm winning.

Have not smoked for 12 days.

Backpedaled on drinking a little. No drinking on work nights. That's going fine. Not drinking as much either. I drank 3 beers last night.

Overall, I'm happy about my results last week. I was a little disappointed to only lose 2 lbs. after losing 6 my first week.  But it makes me want to try harder this week. 

Goals for this week:

• Work out at least 5 days
• Eat breakfast every day
• I still sometimes don't eat breakfast on my days off, so gotta get that one zipped
• Continue the micro-adjustments to my nutritional plan

Major Wake-Up Calls -- I'm Back

So, it's been about a year since I fell off the wagon.

Had quite a few wakeup calls lately.

First off, I'm getting too fat for my clothes. And I threw away all my "fat clothes" 3 years ago when I was down to 185 lbs. A good half of my dress shirts don't fit me, and some of my t-shirts and polos are getting to where my belly hangs out of them unless I wear a t-shirt under, tucked in. I've also noticed I'm starting to have trouble with my knees again, which is a sure sign I am packing on the weight. I've gained most of it in my belly, although my double chin is coming back too.

I weigh 253 lbs. as of yesterday. It's bad. My BMI 33.4.
14 months ago when I was at my best in terms of being on track, I was back down to 226 and 29.8 BMI, so I've put on 27 lbs. and added 3.6 points to my BMI. Meaning, I've been steadily gaining 2 lbs. a month. Overall, from my lowest adult weight in the spring of 2011, of 185 lbs. / 24.4 BMI, I've gained back 68 lbs.

Smoking...

I am quitting smoking tomorrow. I don't know why the hell I ever started again. I quit for 4 months in 2010, seriously why did I ever pick up a cigarette again?? I woke up last night in the middle of the night because I was wheezing so loud it woke me up. Today I will go get some nicotine patches. Tomorrow I will put one on when I wake up. Today is my last day as a smoker forever. I'm quitting for good this time. It will be the 3rd serious try.

... and drinking.

It is no coincidence that my serious weight gain directly correlates to the fact that my drinking has stepped back up to Good Old Days Levels almost. And the more I drink, the more I progressively give myself permission to -- meaning, the less and less I care about it. BUT, it isn't the Good Old Days any more, and I'm 42, and fat, and I smoke. Drinking takes a much heavier toll on me than it did back in the day.

In truth, I am considering going to an AA meeting. I don't want to drink any more. If I could just drink a beer or a glass of wine after dinner that would be fine. But I don't drink just one. I get drunk every time I drink. It's been very hard for me to consider even admitting I might have a problem. But yeah... the drinking is definitely facilitating my weight gain, and it makes me feel shitty, gives me problems sleeping, you name it. It's time to get that part of my life over with.

Today I re-joined Weight Watchers Online, and it was quite a wakeup call of its own. I went to the food tracker and entered a hypothetical day -- a typical day for me. And I found I was using ALL my points for the entire week, including DOUBLE the "indulgence free points" they give you, in one day. It really opened my eyes to how far off my nutrition plan I've fallen. It's not how much I'm eating, it's WHAT I eat.

So, I'm back on the diet. I hate the word diet, but I'm back. My nutrition plan just got yanked back into place.

What makes me so aware of all this all of a sudden?

I'll tell you:

My mother has been in the hospital for 8 weeks this coming Sunday. It's the longest she has ever been in, and she is very sick. She is sicker than when she had bypass surgery. Her diabetes is worsening. She had another heart attack and then another minor one since being in the hospital. She is so weak she can't adjust her own position in the recliner she is in. She can't go to the bathroom without assistance, including someone cleaning her afterward. She is on oxygen and nebulizer treatments. And she is so fat she can't get comfortable. She is 14 inches shorter than me, but weight 30 lbs. more than me. I don't have any idea how long she will have to be hospitalized and at this point the goal is to get her well enough to go to a nursing home. Yes, a nursing home -- my mother is only 62.

THAT IS NOT HAPPENING TO ME

Diabetes and obesity killed my grandfather too. That should have been a wakeup call. But seeing my mother that way really has been. In terms of my habits and eating patterns and lack of exercise and weight gain as I get older, I am living the EXACT lifestyle that brought all of this on my mother. I cannot let that happen to me. It is not too late, yet. 

Anyway, I'm going to start writing in the blog again. I hope you all will still follow me.

Some backslide

Ug. Some backslide.

I'm having a really hard time getting to the gym right now. I've only been once this week, and I feel like I'm not going to go today.... I still might. This blog entry might help. Might.

My work has gone wild. We are getting crushed every day, it's so stressful and hectic -- hectic doesn't even cover it, it's mayhem -- and I am so tired that even though I have been getting 8+ hours of sleep most nights, I am still just drained and weak and have no willpower.

I have the feeling like I only have so much bandwidth, and my job (I wait tables at a super popular breakfast restaurant for those who don't know... maybe strangers read this...) has expanded across my bandwidth to the point that it is taking up my social time and my personal time. I worked 13 hours yesterday. I was up at 6:45 am, out of the house by 8, and I wasn't home til 11:30 pm -- I went out for ONE DRINK, which I only halfheartedly applied myself to drinking. We were at Chummies maybe 20 minutes and I was all, "Um, yeah, I gotta go home."

I went to the gym AFTER work on Tuesday. Yeah no. Trying to go after work.... hell no. I've got to go in the morning when I'm still fresh and have a lot of energy from sleeping. I managed to fight my way through my workout Tuesday night, but it was awful -- and I usually enjoy it, even if it's hard to do..... No. So, I've got to get back on the morning workout schedule. Somehow.

And........

SMOKING.

Also related to stress I'm sure. About a week ago, I bought a pack of cigarettes. And another. And another..... etc.

The last two days I have forced myself not to buy any and I am back on my eCig, but I've still bummed a few off people. And today I am really feeling the nicotine withdrawal. I'm not flipping out because there is still nicotine in the eCig, but I am ... yeah, I'm feeling it. I just caught myself looking through the trash can for cigarette butts. Not good.

I'll get all of this settled again. And I'm trying not to make excuses. But I feel like it's not completely an excuse, on either count. The stress level at work right now is so high I dream about it, after falling into my bed exhausted every night. I don't even go out any more.

One up side, I guess. I am dropping weight on the scale. Stress diet. I know it's not ideal, but at least it makes me feel like I am makign progress on ONE of my goals.

Measure progress without the scale

Here's a pretty great article on how to measure your progress without the scale.

Measure Progress Without the Scale, from Sparkpeople.com

I've lost 2 inches off my belly

Good news.

I just broke my own rule and measured my belly NOT on the 1st of the month. (I am trying to only take my measurements monthly.)

Anyway, I was very pleased to see that I have lost a total of 2 inches off my belly circumference. And that means I've lost 1 1/4" since I last measured myself 3 weeks ago and had lost 3/4 of an inch. Which means it coincides with the timeframe that I got the elliptical and started serious cardio every day.

That's almost double the fat loss from dieting alone. 

 I think that was the final piece of the puzzle. That's some real, empirical proof that it's working. Ya know? I was starting to doubt myself really bad, like.... is it all in my head? Have I just convinced myself that it's working so I don't have to feel bad about failing? But no. It really is working. That's fantastic.

So that's it. Either today or tomorrow I am going to go join the Y.

maybe it's time to join a gym

OK.

So my elliptical is broken.

The bolt that connects the left pedal to the fly wheel is stripped, so bad they couldn't re-fit it at the auto shop. Plus, it is a "left handed" specialty bolt that basically can only be replaced by the company that makes the elliptical. I tried the electric tape around the bolt head thing -- nope, it held for about 10 seconds and slam it was off again. Blah, blah, blah, I could go on and on about how I've spent almost all of my day except when I was at work either driving store to store trying to get it fixed, or at home trying to McGyver it.... it's broken, that's that.

So -- do I, a) buy another one so that one can break too in 3 weeks, or b) buy an even more expensive one and hope it doesn't break, c) buy a different cardio machine, or d) say f--k it and go join a gym?

I feel like I am on a precipice where my whole fitness and health goals are about to fall apart. When it happened this morning -- like 90 seconds into my workout -- I felt so discouraged that right at that moment I said, "Fine, I give up. WTF?? Is fate against me??" I finally find the motivation to put serious dedication into working out, like legitimate working out -- including spending a significant chunk of money on home workout equipment..... I mean, really???? I swear it feels like one of those "well that's just how my life always goes" moments, you know what I mean?

In addition to this, I have also gained weight. Gained. I'm doing my elliptical 5-6 days a week for 30 min a day and I gained weight. Around 4 lbs., which is minor, but still, that combined with my elliptical breaking and I was like, "Are you kidding me? Is this really happening?" I just had that feeling, that sinking feeling in my chest, like no matter what I do it fails. I've done this right, all of it, by the book and I've applied myself to the point that I don't feel right unless I get my workout in. Really? Me? Kyle the Fat Kid needs to work out to feel ok?

Demons begone, right?

So throughout the day at work as I was mulling over the situation.....

I realized that I was going to do something about it. I'm not going to give up.

I went to Wal-Mart after work and looked at cardio equipment. And as I was looking at them, considering just saying fuck it and buying either another elliptical or bike or something, I kept thinking to myself, I should just buck up and get over my thing about the gym and go join the Y. I did talk myself into walking over to the DIY section and getting some McGyver materials before I just bought another one, so I came home with electric tape, galvanized wire and bungee cords. (None of that worked.) However, even before my attempted solution failed, I still kept having that back burner conversation with myself about the gym.

I just have issues with the gym. I feel so uncomfortable working out in front of other people.

But, I also think I can get over that. I've found that since I quit smoking, I can work out a lot longer and a lot harder and since I have been also doing strength training I can lift more. I think I will be able to just focus on my workout and not be so worried that I look dumb or people are staring at me or whatever. I also think that having a variety of equipment and training options and a fully set up gymnasium at my disposal would be awesome.

Anyway.... I think that covers it. I'm gonna mull it over for another day or two.

Runner's high?

Did I say I couldn't do the elliptical today? Yes, I believe right here I said I was too sore from yesterday.

Apparently not so, as I just ran 38 minutes on elliptical. I call it running because I get my speed up to 6 mph or higher which is considered a jogging pace. And it feels like running.

Anyway, here's what happened:

WARNING: there is a brief but mild TMI in this. You'll know it when you read it.

Having decided I was too sore for more than a cursory warm-up on the elliptical, I set to my new project: Seeing What I Want To Use The Core Ball For.

I did some hellish horizontal crunches which I'm sure I'll pay for in soreness tomorrow. A few others from the pdf I downloaded, none of which I liked, and then I did some of my free weight sets sitting at about 45 degrees back. I was still getting this feeling like I was still not satisfied with my workout, I didn't feel like I'd really done anything.

So, because I liked the feeling of them, and because I felt like I needed to work out more, I did another set of 50 of those scathing hard crunches, laying flat back on the ball. I had also done my baseline free weight sets already, prior to the core ball.

In the midst of all this, I took a 45 minute break and ate a garden burger with grilled onion, sauerkraut and extra sharp cheddar with mustard on organic sprouted-grain bread. Two of them in fact, because I knew I was hungry and it was already after 6 pm, and I am trying not to eat at all after 8, and there could still be time for a small snack in there somewhere.

At any rate, I said to myself, "I need to work out some more after I eat," figuring I would do some more sets with the core ball. I do like it, and as I am getting more comfortable with it, I am finding it more and more a useful tool.

I did try that. I did some backward extensions (which are wicked hard...) and a few more crunches, and was still not getting the sense of it being sufficient. So, I hauled myself up off the floor and said, "Fine, I'm gonna try to run again."

Got on the elliptical. Took me about 5 minutes to warm up all the way, then I got up to my 6 mph mark, and logged 31 more minutes. And after that, I felt that satisfaction I was after.

I find that about the 10 minute mark or so is when I start to feel really awesome while I am on the elliptical -- what I call running, or jogging, or jimbing (jog-climbing.) Once my heart rate gets to a certain point where I feel like my breathing is synchronized with it, I find I can run really smoothly and it feels effortless, and I have bursts where I run a lot faster and harder and those bursts of energy feel even better, like I really feel like superman. I said it in another post. I'm pretty sure it's "Runner's High," which is the endorphin  release you experience particularly during prolonged cardio. (Apparently "runners high" and endorphin-induced euphoria have evolutionary roots also.)

Anyway, I wasn't expecting it to actually feel good. Like, when I get that burst of energy, I really feel like I can do anything and I feel like, "Hell yeah!" I don't feel like I've worked out really until I get to that point. At least it didn't give me a boner this time; that's happened twice and I was kinda worried it would happen every time. (Googled that. Normal.) So, that is what I was missing, I wanted that endorphin bath. Now I get it, I understand what all those voices are talking about when they say working out "makes you feel good." The general good feeling afterward too is quite awesome.

Who knew.