Blog relaunch

Almost 2 years since I wrote anything, three since I was serious about it.

So, I'm back. Started tracking my diet and exercise a little over a month ago, May 20th, 2017. At that time I was at least 290 lbs., maybe more. One-hundred pounds (yes, 100 lbs.) over my goal weight.

I've re-calibrated my goals to lose that 100 lbs by my 46th birthday which will be August 21, 2018 -- 15 months from when I started (this time...) That will require me to lose about 1.5 lbs / wk. which equals cutting about 750 calories a day below my BMR (basic metabolic rate, or the calories required to maintain my current weight.)

My current BMR based on my age, weight and activity level is about 2900 calories, so I am trying to stay in the 2100-2200 calorie range for now. I find if I eat less than 2000 calories I end up compensating with something like an entire bag of Doritos the next day, which appears as a 2 lb. jump on the scale the next day.

I've had to accept that I am not going to have some huge weight dump like I did last time. I'm over 40 (will be 45 in a minute) and quite overweight, and very out of shape, and it's slow going to get a train that big, going that fast in one direction to stop and start heading the other way. What I'm hoping is that it will get easier as I go, instead of how it has been in past attempts: big weight drop right away, lots of success and patting myself on the back from all the praise I got from my friends, and then... a plateau that I never got past, followed by a collapse back to my bad, old ways.

I have been walking to work every day, and home from work almost every day, which is 1 mile each way with a pretty steep uphill climb on both ends. I have also been strength training at home, and have stuck to my every-other-day (or two days in a row with 2 rest days) for six weeks now, which is a record for me. I've also been taking the stairs at work with a once-daily allowed elevator trip, and some days I don't use the elevator at all.

I've noticed some improvements right away:

• I'm sleeping better
• I find myself looking forward to the walk every morning (sometimes trudging home uphill after work is still a challenge...)
• My cardio conditioning is coming back -- I don't need any breaks on the morning walk any more (was 2) and only one (was 3) on the way home
• My Instagram is active again because I see things on my morning walk to take pics of every day
• I've started to like my strength training routine, which I just allowed to develop organically
• I'm finding that for some reason, this time around, I feel accountable to myself, and it's working -- I catch myself sliding on some goal (usually the weights workout) and I think, If I don't do it, I'm giving up. And I can't stand that, so I do it.

About this self-accountability thing:

I can't count how many times in my life I've looked back at some failed exercise or fitness attempt and thought to myself, "Well that was [however many years or even decades] ago, imagine if I'd been doing that every day since then..." And then I move on to some other topic that is easier to talk about, like television or my pets. I've finally come around to realizing that it really is my fault. I chose not to do those sit-ups. I chose to eat mayo right out of the jar. I chose to blame locker room bullies for why I am still fat 30 years later. I chose to close my eyes.

My eyes popped open when I saw this picture:

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Who the fuck is that fat guy?? Oh, shit. That's me in November 2016 (eight months ago.)

Where'd THIS GUY go?? From 2011??

(And I thought I was fat back then....)

That picture for some reason, really put it into perspective. I knew I was gaining weight. The blue shirt I'm wearing in the pic on the right above doesn't even button anymore -- it was loose on me in that pic. It was my favorite shirt, the go-to for a date or the bar. Same for the red v-neck next to it: last time I tried it on, it was tight like spandex and I couldn't pull it all the way over my belly. Also that necklace with the cross perfect in the dip of my clavicle won't go around my neck any more, I couldn't wear it if I wanted to. I am literally not that person any more, and I hate that.

Not saying I hate myself. In fact, I think I have come to love and respect myself way more than I did when either of those "skinny pics" were taken. Back then I thought I was as fat as I truly am now. I thought I was unhappy because of my weight, when the truth of course is the other way around. And I thought that losing weight was going to fix all my other problems, too.

I will now offer all the justifications I have for gaining 100 lbs. (Yes, I was at my goal weight back then, just needed to tone up some saggy places...)

I moved back to Maine in 2012 to care for my ailing mother, and my aging grandmother (whom my mother was no longer able to care for alone.) I was still a wreck from getting dumped by my rebound fling -- which was supposed to be medicine for the end of a horrible 5 year train wreck of a relationship -- and instead just messed me up worse. (For some reason I just fell apart when it did.) I had crash landed here with less than $500 in the bank, no job, and a place to live I couldn't afford. That first winter I really suffered. I was stressed about money constantly, wasn't sleeping, was drinking more and more heavily all the time, and living on restaurant food (burgers, fries and greasy everything.)

The winter of '12-'13 alone, I think I gained 30 lbs. I kinda freaked out about that the following summer, and I was getting my sea legs being back here, so to speak. I bought an elliptical and joined Weight Watchers and lost a dozen pounds. A year went by and I stayed about there, still not happy with my weight or my appearance, and still probably gaining a little, too. I stopped exercising.

Then in 2014 the shit hit the fan. My mother went into the hospital July 3rd, 2014 with her 3rd heart attack and never came out -- she was in either the hospital or a nursing home for 5 months, then died in December. Two months later, in February 2015, my phone rang at 9:30 pm and I was told by a nursing home worker that my grandmother had just died. Three years later I am just starting to be able to see all that in the rear-view.

The first year after it all happened is truthfully a drunk blur. I started drinking every day, getting drunk every day, mixing wine and shots of hard liquor. And when I wasn't getting drunk (or working, I did work...) I was eating my way through it: mac & cheese, Thai and Chinese takeout by the bushel, think nothing of having 4 cheese sandwiches for dinner and still eat a box of Cheez-Its while I watch TV in the recliner. My mother left me a very, very small amount of money (about 20k) and I pretty much ate and drank it. And shopped it. I totally spiraled down into total debauch. By the time I came up for air, I had gained all the weight back and then some. I was hitting 300 lbs.

I turned it around again for a little while, right around the time I met Matthew and we started dating. But it was not for long. Ironically, he and I did something really great and hard to do together, that made me gain weight -- we quit smoking cigarettes. And I packed on 25 lbs. I wouldn't go back, and in fact I gave myself carte blanche to eat my way through quitting. And boy did I. That guy up there in the necklace and the nice tan -- he was a 36 waist and wearing a men's medium. Today I can barely button my 40 waist and everything is XXL again.

OK - actually -- I wore a 38 waist yesterday for the first time in like a year. So, it's working. And since I have been walking every day and eating salads again, my belly is getting smaller. The number on the scale isn't dropping as fast as I'd like, but I am feeling better. And I'm enjoying making healthy changes, which is a first. I feel bogged down and vaguely sick now when I fill up on crackers and dip, instead of secretly telling myself I deserved a treat. Ick.

I don't know what's different this time, but I've changed my mind somehow. It's the same as I felt when we quit smoking this last time -- I just stopped. No patches. No gum (well, I did eat a lot of Altoids.) And no problems, I just stopped smoking, I was ready. I'd changed my mind about it. And that is how I feel about losing weight and getting fit this time -- I am that person now. It might be a while before it shows on the outside, but that's ok. I'm not doing it to get noticed.

Weigh In Wednesday

245. I lost 2 lbs. this week.  Lost 8 lbs. total so far.

Had a couple days where I still went over my points. I stayed inside my weekly target though. However, it does matter that I went over daily.

Made some more adjustments to my diet:

• Started eating gluten free bread at work
• turns out gluten free bread is not gross
• Switched to Sprouted Grain bread at home
• Switched to low-fat Swiss cheese

I only worked out 2 days. Gotta work on that. I might add it as a goal on my WW online tracker. (Doing it now....)

OK, did it. But had to set it up on SparkPeople account, which is fine. They are more fitness oriented than Weight Watcher which is mainly focused on nutrition. 

Not smoking cigarettes is going swimmingly. I've noticed a few of my smoking cues are going away, which is awesome. I don't even look around for my e-cig when I take the dogs out. No problems in the car. Clearly it is not over yet, but I'm winning.

Have not smoked for 12 days.

Backpedaled on drinking a little. No drinking on work nights. That's going fine. Not drinking as much either. I drank 3 beers last night.

Overall, I'm happy about my results last week. I was a little disappointed to only lose 2 lbs. after losing 6 my first week.  But it makes me want to try harder this week. 

Goals for this week:

• Work out at least 5 days
• Eat breakfast every day
• I still sometimes don't eat breakfast on my days off, so gotta get that one zipped
• Continue the micro-adjustments to my nutritional plan

Major Wake-Up Calls -- I'm Back

So, it's been about a year since I fell off the wagon.

Had quite a few wakeup calls lately.

First off, I'm getting too fat for my clothes. And I threw away all my "fat clothes" 3 years ago when I was down to 185 lbs. A good half of my dress shirts don't fit me, and some of my t-shirts and polos are getting to where my belly hangs out of them unless I wear a t-shirt under, tucked in. I've also noticed I'm starting to have trouble with my knees again, which is a sure sign I am packing on the weight. I've gained most of it in my belly, although my double chin is coming back too.

I weigh 253 lbs. as of yesterday. It's bad. My BMI 33.4.
14 months ago when I was at my best in terms of being on track, I was back down to 226 and 29.8 BMI, so I've put on 27 lbs. and added 3.6 points to my BMI. Meaning, I've been steadily gaining 2 lbs. a month. Overall, from my lowest adult weight in the spring of 2011, of 185 lbs. / 24.4 BMI, I've gained back 68 lbs.

Smoking...

I am quitting smoking tomorrow. I don't know why the hell I ever started again. I quit for 4 months in 2010, seriously why did I ever pick up a cigarette again?? I woke up last night in the middle of the night because I was wheezing so loud it woke me up. Today I will go get some nicotine patches. Tomorrow I will put one on when I wake up. Today is my last day as a smoker forever. I'm quitting for good this time. It will be the 3rd serious try.

... and drinking.

It is no coincidence that my serious weight gain directly correlates to the fact that my drinking has stepped back up to Good Old Days Levels almost. And the more I drink, the more I progressively give myself permission to -- meaning, the less and less I care about it. BUT, it isn't the Good Old Days any more, and I'm 42, and fat, and I smoke. Drinking takes a much heavier toll on me than it did back in the day.

In truth, I am considering going to an AA meeting. I don't want to drink any more. If I could just drink a beer or a glass of wine after dinner that would be fine. But I don't drink just one. I get drunk every time I drink. It's been very hard for me to consider even admitting I might have a problem. But yeah... the drinking is definitely facilitating my weight gain, and it makes me feel shitty, gives me problems sleeping, you name it. It's time to get that part of my life over with.

Today I re-joined Weight Watchers Online, and it was quite a wakeup call of its own. I went to the food tracker and entered a hypothetical day -- a typical day for me. And I found I was using ALL my points for the entire week, including DOUBLE the "indulgence free points" they give you, in one day. It really opened my eyes to how far off my nutrition plan I've fallen. It's not how much I'm eating, it's WHAT I eat.

So, I'm back on the diet. I hate the word diet, but I'm back. My nutrition plan just got yanked back into place.

What makes me so aware of all this all of a sudden?

I'll tell you:

My mother has been in the hospital for 8 weeks this coming Sunday. It's the longest she has ever been in, and she is very sick. She is sicker than when she had bypass surgery. Her diabetes is worsening. She had another heart attack and then another minor one since being in the hospital. She is so weak she can't adjust her own position in the recliner she is in. She can't go to the bathroom without assistance, including someone cleaning her afterward. She is on oxygen and nebulizer treatments. And she is so fat she can't get comfortable. She is 14 inches shorter than me, but weight 30 lbs. more than me. I don't have any idea how long she will have to be hospitalized and at this point the goal is to get her well enough to go to a nursing home. Yes, a nursing home -- my mother is only 62.

THAT IS NOT HAPPENING TO ME

Diabetes and obesity killed my grandfather too. That should have been a wakeup call. But seeing my mother that way really has been. In terms of my habits and eating patterns and lack of exercise and weight gain as I get older, I am living the EXACT lifestyle that brought all of this on my mother. I cannot let that happen to me. It is not too late, yet. 

Anyway, I'm going to start writing in the blog again. I hope you all will still follow me.

Huge, Ugly Backslide

I've had a pretty serious backslide. Since my Vegan Fast challenge was over, I've pretty much gone off the wagon. I've remained vegetarian, but my eating patterns have gone back to how they were, and I've stopped exercising again.

I didn't really "lose" any weight, either, although I am below my top weigh-in weight. My weight has fluctuated by about 7 lbs. since June 1st. I dropped down as low as 226 and back up as high as 233. My weigh-in this morning was 230.8, so did I "lose" 2 lbs. since June 1st? Sure. But tomorrow I could be just as likely to get on the scale and see I'm at 235.

Since I've become conscious of the fact that "Night Eating Syndrome (NES)" is an actual, real thing, I've also been seeing my own behavior more critically. Reading the symptoms, it was just such a wake-up, it was a description of my exact eating pattern. (Note: it was the same exact Oh My God Moment I had when I read the "Top 10 Signs You Are Experiencing Domestic Violence" pamphlet the sheriffs left me after they arrested my ex, and I was like, "Oh my god, really? Every one?) Like, knowing that it actually is something means I can begin working out how to deal with it.

Last night I had a major NES experience. It was after 11pm, I hadn't eaten much all day. I was starting to feel hungry. And I said to myself, I'm not gonna pig out. But I knew I was going to eat something, so I told myself, it's ok to eat something. So I had a medium sized bowl of my homemade vegan chili, which is also very low calorie and fat and high fiber, etc. It's only about 250 calories. Then, that uncontrollable urge to eat started to come over me, and I could feel it and I tried to tell myself, It's happening, you know it's happening, just make it stop, ignore it, whatever. I totally failed. Within the space of 90 minutes -- right before I went to bed, too -- I ate not only that bowl of chili, but three, yes 3, cheese sandwiches (12 grain bread, extra sharp cheddar, mayo.) I wasn't even hungry any more after the chili, I could feel that my belly was full, and I still ate all three of those sandwiches. Oh yeah and about a cup of fat-free cottage cheese. (Added later. Just remembered that.)

I didn't realize it at the time of course, but thinking about it this morning I realized that a major portion of these extreme overeating nights happen on days I don't eat enough during the day. Duh, right? But what I mean is these episodes have a metabolic element to them that I never made the two-plus-two with before. Even though my stomach is full from the first meal, for example a bowl of chili, my body is still suffering a major caloric / nutritional deficit for the day so my eating impulse is still turned on full. So not only am I struggling with a lifelong pattern of "comfort snacking" at night, but I am also experiencing a legitimate biological imperative -- your body knows it is starving so it wants to eat.

Note, I also drank yesterday. I had one cocktail (vodka, soda water, and lime) at Pat's Pizza with Kim, then two more at Lysa's, and then I drank 3 glasses of wine at home. I know the alcohol is a major contributor, both to my empty calories and to lowered willpower when it comes to controlling my eating / making the right dietary choices.

Without the alcohol, I was only at about 1700 calories yesterday, which isn't a dramatic caloric deficit, but it is for my body which is still accustomed to taking in upwards of 3000 a day. Including the alcohol and the late night binge eating, I took in 4364 calories, more than double my caloric goal range, I also more than doubled my carb goal and nearly doubled my fat. The only thing that was in line was my protein, which is probably negated by the alcohol -- alcohol consumption in particular hampers your body's ability to process protein, and converts it to fat instead. The food alone that I ate after 11pm was a 1900 calorie binge, which is near the top of my caloric goal for the entire day. No surprise I woke up this morning and had gained about 1 lb. (0.7 lbs.) My caloric intake yesterday was somewhere around 2500 calories over my break-even which is just about 3/4 of a pound of body fat.

A few things are clear to me.

• I need to roll back my drinking again
• I am going to just be honest about it, that I am not interested in not drinking. I like to have a cocktail or a beer after work a couple days a week and I enjoy my "happy hour" visits with Lysa, and once in a while you just need to tie one on.
• However, I think I can revive my old rule, no drinking at home.
• I need to eat more, earlier in the day, and eat more frequently throughout the day
• I need to get more of my calories and nutrition throughout the day so my body does not go into starvation mode and start sabotaging me from the inside by making my eating impulse go into overdrive.
• This can be a problem at work because often it is too busy to order a meal, or I only have the opportunity to eat one meal either at the very beginning or the very end of my shift. I may have to start bringing food that is ready to eat.
• I need to exercise every day
• I can't take a day off. A day off for me is really just me saying, "OK, that was enough of that." It's my subconscious sabotage. I know I can't do strength training every day, but I've got to include some kind of cardio or strength training or both into every day.
• I think to accomplish this, I need to start viewing exercise the same way I view my caloric intake -- there has to be a certain baseline I achieve every day.
• Because I am not going to exclude alcohol from my diet, exercise becomes even more important for compensating for the empty caloric intake and the dampening effect on your metabolism.
• More on this later

When I woke up this morning, I felt very discouraged and disappointed with myself. Since I've been processing what happened, and applying some critical thinking, as well as some brutal honesty to it, I am feeling more like I can get back on track. It's a setback, not the end of the project. It's not a "project" it's my life. Wasn't it Rocky Balboa who said something like, "It's not how hard you can hit that matters, it's how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward." (Thanks Lysa for the quote.)