Monthly Goals Report July - Aug

July 20 - August 20, 2017

So here's the short of it:
Weight 278, meaning I lost 4 lbs., and 12 lbs since restarting. We're going with "that's good," in spite of it being only 40% of goal. Other measurements are pretty encouraging: lost an inch around my thigh, and half an inch around my neck, and gained an inch around my bicep. Here's the graphic:

My goals for this month were:

• Lose 10 lbs (nope, lost 4, which would be under goal for a normal month... it's ok... I lost weight...)
• Eat 2000 or less calories a day (adjusted up from 1930) -- did this 25 out of 32 days, and only went seriously over (2650 calories) 1 time
• Walk to work every day -- nailed it, plus walked home a few times and went hiking, etc.
• Track my calories daily / write down every single thing I ate -- nailed it
• Strength train every other day with no more than one 2-day rest period a week -- nailed it, until last week when I fell WAY off the wagon, have only worked out once since last Thu

Soooooooooooo.........

OK, the good: I lost weight. Not only did I lose weight, but I seem to have broken through the 280-boundary that I was feeling stuck at. Just don't sabotage that and I'll be on track to keep losing. When I was first trying to lose and track my weight a couple years ago I was at 245 and feeling like I could never get back down to my goal weight (190) with so far to go. Now, I keep remembering, "OK, I can be smaller. I weighed 245 three years ago. I weighed 195 six years ago. I can get back there." Oddly enough I have one co-worker who keeps reminding me (and she didn't know me back then, which makes it even stranger, but more encouraging in a way) "It didn't all go on in a month, it isn't gonna come off that fast, either."

More good: I am very pleased to see that I have lost an inch off my thigh, and half an inch off my neck, and that I gained a whole inch around my bicep. Even though my belly and waist aren't much smaller (my pants still fit the same) I now see empirically that I am in fact losing body fat, and gaining muscle.

I hate to use an already overused cliche, but overall I am getting the feeling I need to "lean in" to this a little more. I made the broad-strokes changes, and after 3 months of tracking and learning from it, I think I see now where I can put more focus without screwing it up. Calories and fitness, of course.

I need to restrict my daily calories a little tighter without decreasing my food volume. If I feel hungry, I'm going to eat, that's all there is to it. I need to find some places to replace fat and carbs with fiber or protein. I was been causally / anecdotally testing the waters to see if I can get 50% of my calories from plant-based food, and I think I can do it... I might try that for the Aug - Sept month and see what happens.

I also need to work out a little more. I've adapted 100% to walking to work, it never occurs to me to take the car any more. (We'll see what happens the first time I wake up to 2 feet of snow...) And I'm doing ok on strength training, but I think I need to add a little more full-body exercise to my routine, make it a little longer, just do a little more. I'm not sure what. My current fitness routine developed organically, so I'm going to let this next step do the same. Goal for the Aug - Sept month will be to increase my workout time overall to 30 min, and include some new element, maybe HIT or maybe I'll give yoga another whirl (I hated it before, so..... that either means it's totally the right thing, or I was right and yoga is stupid... not sure which.)

I had a couple times this month that I was very discouraged and felt that familiar feeling like I was about to throw in the towel. Particularly when I just kept yo-yo-ing back up above 280, I just wanted to say fuck it and go bury myself in a pile of fried food and eat my way back to the surface with a side of mayo. But, I didn't. I'm not even sure how truthfully, other than every time it happened, that voice in my head would say, "No, this is not the end of the road. You are not going to quit. Giving up now means that other voice is right, and you really are fat and a failure." And somewhere I found the conviction to just move on from setbacks. I realize now that just because I don't make my monthly goal is not a reason to quit -- then I won't make any more goals. I hate failure. But I'm not going to allow it to make me turn back any more. Push through adversity. Be the boss I act like I am.

And remember the wins. I've lost 12 lbs. so far. I've lost an inch off my thigh and and half an inch off my neck and my muscles are getting bigger. My cardio conditioning is coming back really well, and I can tell I am getting stronger. I'm sleeping better and I'm in a better mood. I haven't had what I would classify as a binge in over a month, and my preference for healthy foods is increasing. I had a funny proof of that the other day -- I said, "I want Ranch dressing on my salad today, I'm gonna have it." And then, it tasted gross to me. So, there is positive stuff happening, I just need to keep working at it.

Weigh-in Wednesday: mixed results this week

Yes, I know it's Thursday.

So, mixed results this week. I actually gained a pound. I'm disappointed.

Blue Hill Mountain Summit via the Becton Trail, July 29th, 2017

However, I met my fitness goals (blew 'em out of the water, actually) and tracked my diet & exercise every day, and met my walking goal every day. Last Wednesday we went for a 9 mile hike on the Carriage Trails around Witch Hole Pond and the Paradise Hill Loop, and on Saturday we climbed up Blue Hill Mountain. I did not, however, meet my calorie goals; I went significantly over my calorie target two times this week.

And, obviously I did not meet my weight loss goal. In fact, having gained a pound when I needed to lose 2 to stay on track, I might have derailed my month goal of losing 10 lbs. I think I might be able to still meet my baseline goal of 1.5 lbs. a week, as long as I do 100% of my goal the rest of the month. But that will mean I still have to play catch-up next month to get back on track.

Witch Hole Pond, July 26th, 2017

I need to look deeper into what is happening with my weight. I feel like I keep losing and gaining the same 10 lbs. over and over again. I can't seem to get below 280, except for literally one day last week I was 279, and then by mid-week I saw 286 one morning and was like, "Fuuuck. I'm not gonna get to 278 by Wednesday, am I?" On the one hand, I have been working out, walking every day, and we did a couple very strenuous hikes this week -- and I can feel that my pecs and biceps are getting bigger, so possibly it is partly muscle gain. But that isn't all.

I am going to start recording my weight twice a day for a couple weeks and see if I can see a pattern, because I feel as though I perceive one. Like... my weight always seems to bottom out around Tuesday or Wednesday then I always seem to pack on 2-3 lbs. over the course of the week, sometimes I see half-day spikes like 5 or 6 lbs. It's like there is some critical mass I am stuck at. (Yes, I know body stasis is a real thing.) Then, I have a scale-panic and restrict my calories way back for a couple days and voila! I'm back down to 280-281..... So, I need to start tracking my weight closely for a bit and cross reference it with my diet and activity level. I need to see things empirically for myself.

Anyway. It was a mixed bag this week. My focus for next week is going to be to buckle down and just meet my daily goals every single day and hopefully at least salvage my baseline.

Weight-In Wednesday: lost 3 lbs. and big-boy breakfast

I did it! I made my goal for the week, plus a little. (Which is exactly what I said, "I need to be be at goal or a little ahead, instead of playing catch-up the rest of the time. Those little misses add up to big misses.")

This week's weight goal was 280, and as of this morning I am at 279. SWEET -- saw a 7. This means overall I have lost 3 lbs. this week and 11 lbs. overall since May. And that also means that really, I have lost 10 lbs. twice because in the end of June my weight blimped back up to 290. Gonna aim to not let that happen again.

I've discovered something empirically that I could not accept based on the word of others, even everyone:

I need to restrict my calorie intake at night.

I weight myself every day, twice a day. And, nearly every time I am as much as 3 lbs. lighter in the afternoon than I am first thing in the morning. The only times this has not been true were when I consciously stopped myself from eating into the evening and then my weight in the morning is right at, or just barely a sliver under my weight from the previous afternoon.

After two months of monitoring this, ruminating on it, Googling it, and generally letting it settle into my brain I have been forced to accept that simply saying that late night eating is my real problem is not sufficient to addressing it -- I have to actually not eat.

I use Google Fit to track my activity level and my BMR during the day and when I get home from work any given day I am usually at a 600-1000 calorie deficit for the day, which is right on target. For my overall goal, I am working toward being at a 750 calorie deficit every day with exercise calculated as part of it. That will (mathematically at least) allow me to lose 1.5 lbs per week. So then... I plant my ass in front of the TV and start eating. There are days more than 50% of my calories are consumed at home in the evening. And there are plenty of nights I go way over that.

I have found a couple things that help remedy that. Mostly, shifting a lot of my calories to breakfast makes a big difference. And secondarily to that, eating my greasy carbs at lunch (if I want them) seems to neutralize their negatives and maximize their positives. Yes there are positives such as: me being happy because I get to eat a french fry or a fried fish sandwich once in a while, and the calorie-fat-carb blast in the middle of the day keeps me going through the "late day slump." On the regular my lunch is a salad, but if I want crispy fried chicken on top of it, I have it. Or if there is something irresistible like coleslaw. Mmm. I need to be psychologically satisfied with my meals, too.

Oddly enough, I have to face weird reactions to eating a big breakfast. Where I work, we eat our meals together, in the dining room, with the residents (I work in an assisted living / nursing home.) And I often get comments like, "Well that's a big-boy breakfast isn't it?" Or, "Gee, are you hungry?" (To which I always simply say, "Yep.") (Note I could show up at the table with a 1000 calorie LUNCH on my plate and no one would bat an eyelash, but I eat a full plate of food at breakfast and it's a "big boy breakfast.")

My average breakfast runs around 600 calories. I normally have 2 scrambled eggs, gluten free toast, an apple, half a banana and either oatmeal or yogurt (but not both) and if there is bacon -- obviously, it's bacon. Eating a nice, big breakfast gives me energy through the day, makes it so I can eat a much lower calorie lunch (usually I eat a large salad with whatever protein is being served -- chicken or fish, etc.) and I have the balance of the day for my metabolism to actually use the fat calories instead of store them. My mood throughout the day is also higher and more positive if I had a good breakfast, and I am able to handle stress and demanding situations a lot more readily.

So yes. It is a "big-boy breakfast," because I'm a big boy and I have a lot of work to do. I'm working on not reacting emotionally to criticisms of my weight (which is what commenting on the size of a meal really is.) It's easy to knee-jerk to a defensive reaction, but I do try to save those for the deserving (like the asshole who made a shitty comment to me at an ice cream shop -- yeah I told that guy to go fuck himself, "I have an idea: how about you keep your fucking opinion to yourself where it belongs. What? You thought I came here for a salad maybe? So yeah. Fuck off." .... pretty sure is what I said that time.) But in general I am working on using my Zen on people's opinions / reactions to my weigh and fitness goals the way I do with nearly everything else. I'm making progress, but it's slow going.

At any rate, it's a good week. Lost 3 lbs. Met my exercise, activity, and tracking goals, and I am feeling stronger and healthier. I am going to write a separate entry about the night eating and some goal setting surrounding that. Stay tuned.

Monthly recap - lost 8 lbs - new goals

Today is two months (61 days) since I started tracking my weight, diet & exercise again. My current weight as of yesterday is 282 lbs., meaning I have lost 8 lbs. That's good. I'll take that. However, based on my goal of losing 1.5 lbs / wk, I am running behind. I should have lost 13 lbs. by now.

Hold up now! No one needs to jump all over me with t-shirt wisdom about accepting my journey or focusing on the positive of losing 8 lbs. I am very pleased to see my weight going down. And I have been walking every day and strength training at least 3x a week, and I can see positive changes in my body and in my health.

In fact, I was ecstatic to see 282 the other day because it is the lowest number I've seen in years, and I was already struggling with not seeming to be able to get below 283. I'd keep getting back down to 283 then seeing a higher number again the very next day. (Yes, I weigh myself every day, I don't care what they say about it.) I had a couple "regressions" this month -- some late night binge eating and some poor meal choices several days in a row and I actually saw my weight go back up to 290 last week, which was the trigger of one of those binge eating nights. (Also had some unwelcome stresses at work that I worked through with a pizza and a gallon of vanilla ice cream...) Then, after a couple days back on track nutritionally, and a little self control, and the scale started going the other way again. But I still kept getting hung up at or near 283, which was a weight I dropped down to very quickly right at the beginning, so it was already the bar so to speak. On weigh-in day this week I was still at that bar, 283. I was so disappointed, almost as much as the day I stepped on and saw that I was all the way back to ground zero at 290. So I weighed myself the next day, with grim expectations and instead got a jolt of happy adrenaline -- "Oh my god! 282!!" Nice. New bar set.

So I've lost 8 lbs. That's just under 1 lb. a week. That's ok. Losing 1-2 lbs. a week is the only realistic long-term pace. But I know I can do better. I can make my goal of 1.5 lbs. a week. I will be at 190 lbs. by my birthday NEXT summer. Losing 100 lbs in 15 months is possible. I will have to make up the 5 lb. deficit somewhere along the way.  It pushes my calculus up to needing to lose 1.6 lbs a week, or I might have another quick weight drop at some point. Or I could do a challenge this coming month and see if I can drop 12 lbs. That would be 2.7 lbs. a week. In those tiny increments it all looks so doable. If I stretched it over 2 months, that would be a fraction over 2 lbs. a week.

Ok that's talked through. So, let's say new goal: I will make up the 5 lb. deficit in no more than 2 months starting today. Meaning my weight by 9/20/17 should be 264 lbs. If I do it at an even pace, I should be at 273 lbs. by 8/20/17 (the day before my birthday,) which is a 10 lb. loss, or 2.25 lbs a week. I'll need to cut 1129 calories a day below my BMR to do that so.... 1935 calories a day. Ouch. But ok, I might be able to do that.

I also need to more aggressively pursue my fitness goals. Building muscle mass particularly at my age (45 next month) is the key to losing weight. Because my metabolism has changed as I get older, cutting calories and doing some cardio isn't enough. I have been backsliding a little on my strength training. The last two weeks I have gone down to every third day (two rest days) and a couple times it was every fourth day. Not good. I need to step that back up, starting today. Also because it has been disgusting hot and humid (truly it has -- 80% humidity and hazy hot sun) I have also been accepting rides home from work most days, so my walk has been cut in half. Gotta remedy that.

Alright. Time to get back on track.

July 20 - August 20 Goals:

Lose 10 lbs.: restrict calorie intake to 1935/day, lose at a consistent 2.25 lbs. per week
Walk to work every day, regardless of weather and walk home at least 3x a week
Strength training every other day, with one 2-day rest period allowed per week
Make a goal tracker for the wall at home that I check off daily

Measure progress without the scale

Here's a pretty great article on how to measure your progress without the scale.

Measure Progress Without the Scale, from Sparkpeople.com

maybe it's time to join a gym

OK.

So my elliptical is broken.

The bolt that connects the left pedal to the fly wheel is stripped, so bad they couldn't re-fit it at the auto shop. Plus, it is a "left handed" specialty bolt that basically can only be replaced by the company that makes the elliptical. I tried the electric tape around the bolt head thing -- nope, it held for about 10 seconds and slam it was off again. Blah, blah, blah, I could go on and on about how I've spent almost all of my day except when I was at work either driving store to store trying to get it fixed, or at home trying to McGyver it.... it's broken, that's that.

So -- do I, a) buy another one so that one can break too in 3 weeks, or b) buy an even more expensive one and hope it doesn't break, c) buy a different cardio machine, or d) say f--k it and go join a gym?

I feel like I am on a precipice where my whole fitness and health goals are about to fall apart. When it happened this morning -- like 90 seconds into my workout -- I felt so discouraged that right at that moment I said, "Fine, I give up. WTF?? Is fate against me??" I finally find the motivation to put serious dedication into working out, like legitimate working out -- including spending a significant chunk of money on home workout equipment..... I mean, really???? I swear it feels like one of those "well that's just how my life always goes" moments, you know what I mean?

In addition to this, I have also gained weight. Gained. I'm doing my elliptical 5-6 days a week for 30 min a day and I gained weight. Around 4 lbs., which is minor, but still, that combined with my elliptical breaking and I was like, "Are you kidding me? Is this really happening?" I just had that feeling, that sinking feeling in my chest, like no matter what I do it fails. I've done this right, all of it, by the book and I've applied myself to the point that I don't feel right unless I get my workout in. Really? Me? Kyle the Fat Kid needs to work out to feel ok?

Demons begone, right?

So throughout the day at work as I was mulling over the situation.....

I realized that I was going to do something about it. I'm not going to give up.

I went to Wal-Mart after work and looked at cardio equipment. And as I was looking at them, considering just saying fuck it and buying either another elliptical or bike or something, I kept thinking to myself, I should just buck up and get over my thing about the gym and go join the Y. I did talk myself into walking over to the DIY section and getting some McGyver materials before I just bought another one, so I came home with electric tape, galvanized wire and bungee cords. (None of that worked.) However, even before my attempted solution failed, I still kept having that back burner conversation with myself about the gym.

I just have issues with the gym. I feel so uncomfortable working out in front of other people.

But, I also think I can get over that. I've found that since I quit smoking, I can work out a lot longer and a lot harder and since I have been also doing strength training I can lift more. I think I will be able to just focus on my workout and not be so worried that I look dumb or people are staring at me or whatever. I also think that having a variety of equipment and training options and a fully set up gymnasium at my disposal would be awesome.

Anyway.... I think that covers it. I'm gonna mull it over for another day or two.

lost 3/4 of an inch off my belly -- awesome!

For the last couple days I have been doing some research, trying to figure out why I'm not losing weight. Tomorrow I'll be six weeks in and my net loss is negligible. A pound or less, on any given day. It's discouraging, even though I've managed to transform that disappointment into motivation, it would be awesome to actually see a drop on the scale too.

Anyway, I've also noticed a few other things that I feel are all related to it.

First off, since I've started using the elliptical every day with a couple one day breaks, I find I am up to pee like 3 or 4 times in the night. I've always been a nighttime bathroom goer. But usually once or less, sometimes a second time during rehearsal for getting out of bed -- LOL -- you know that one, where you're awake and you feel like it's time to get out of bed for the day and then you come back from the bathroom and... zzzz. But the last couple weeks, I'm up to pee all night, ug. I know it's from the greatly increased water I'm drinking. And after looking at my nutrition log I am willing to admit maybe I could stand to cut my sodium a little. But I also believe it is related to water retention from changing my fitness routine, kicking it way up. The frequent peeing 100% coincided with it.

A scant minute of research on the Internet also reveals that not losing weight, or even gaining weight, during the first couple weeks of a new exercise regimen is totally normal, and temporary. Here's what I learned:

When you start exercising regularly, or change your workouts dramatically, your muscles start converting glucose (carbs) to glycogen, which is the real fuel your muscles burn. This causes water retention because it takes 3 water molecules for every 1 molecule of glycogen produced. DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) or the soreness you feel after exercising, also causes water retention in the muscles because DOMS is actually microscopic muscle tears from exertion (how muscle mass is actually increased) which are inflamed and slightly swollen, just the way a cut on your skin gets inflamed and swollen during healing. People may in fact not feel any soreness from exercise, but still be experiencing water retention from DOMS.

(NOTE: glycogen is also the nutrient that gets used during exercise, causing endorphin release, which is the cause of "runner's high.")

Here's what made me start digging deeper into the question, Why am I not losing weight?

This morning, I was looking at myself naked in the mirror and I had my hands around my belly and I noticed that it really seriously felt smaller and lighter in my hands. (Yes, I can pick up my fat.) I gave it the "shake test" and it was noticeably lighter. A little shocked -- I have been struggling to figure out why I am not losing weight, but my belly is noticeably smaller -- I give it the side-view exam in the mirror, and sure enough, Holy shit, it is smaller. So I sprint (all 3 steps) over to my desk, whip out my cloth tape measure and take my measurement around my belly. And there it is, proof on the tape measure: I've lost 3/4 of an inch around my belly.

So, in fact, I have lost "weight" -- I've lost fat, and a noticeable amount of it, off my worst trouble area -- my belly. It really helps me keep my motivation to have discovered this. I do still have that voice in the back of my head, like, "It's not working, you're gaining weight, just forget it." And to have solid, scientific proof that I am actually smaller than I was six weeks ago, kinda shuts that voice up nicely.

Plus, I can't give enough praise to the endorphin rush I get from working out, particularly from cardio.

A word about endorphins: according to Wikipedia, endorphins are, "... 'endogenous morphine,' or, a morphine-like substance originating from within the body." That feeling, like I'm superman, you just can't get it from everything, and now that I figured out I get it from jogging on my elliptical, I'm hooked. LOL -- I'm hooked on my own morphine.

Here's a couple articles on the matter:
I just started exercising to lose weight and I'm gaining
Why the Scale Goes Up When You Start a New Workout Plan

Runner's high?

Did I say I couldn't do the elliptical today? Yes, I believe right here I said I was too sore from yesterday.

Apparently not so, as I just ran 38 minutes on elliptical. I call it running because I get my speed up to 6 mph or higher which is considered a jogging pace. And it feels like running.

Anyway, here's what happened:

WARNING: there is a brief but mild TMI in this. You'll know it when you read it.

Having decided I was too sore for more than a cursory warm-up on the elliptical, I set to my new project: Seeing What I Want To Use The Core Ball For.

I did some hellish horizontal crunches which I'm sure I'll pay for in soreness tomorrow. A few others from the pdf I downloaded, none of which I liked, and then I did some of my free weight sets sitting at about 45 degrees back. I was still getting this feeling like I was still not satisfied with my workout, I didn't feel like I'd really done anything.

So, because I liked the feeling of them, and because I felt like I needed to work out more, I did another set of 50 of those scathing hard crunches, laying flat back on the ball. I had also done my baseline free weight sets already, prior to the core ball.

In the midst of all this, I took a 45 minute break and ate a garden burger with grilled onion, sauerkraut and extra sharp cheddar with mustard on organic sprouted-grain bread. Two of them in fact, because I knew I was hungry and it was already after 6 pm, and I am trying not to eat at all after 8, and there could still be time for a small snack in there somewhere.

At any rate, I said to myself, "I need to work out some more after I eat," figuring I would do some more sets with the core ball. I do like it, and as I am getting more comfortable with it, I am finding it more and more a useful tool.

I did try that. I did some backward extensions (which are wicked hard...) and a few more crunches, and was still not getting the sense of it being sufficient. So, I hauled myself up off the floor and said, "Fine, I'm gonna try to run again."

Got on the elliptical. Took me about 5 minutes to warm up all the way, then I got up to my 6 mph mark, and logged 31 more minutes. And after that, I felt that satisfaction I was after.

I find that about the 10 minute mark or so is when I start to feel really awesome while I am on the elliptical -- what I call running, or jogging, or jimbing (jog-climbing.) Once my heart rate gets to a certain point where I feel like my breathing is synchronized with it, I find I can run really smoothly and it feels effortless, and I have bursts where I run a lot faster and harder and those bursts of energy feel even better, like I really feel like superman. I said it in another post. I'm pretty sure it's "Runner's High," which is the endorphin  release you experience particularly during prolonged cardio. (Apparently "runners high" and endorphin-induced euphoria have evolutionary roots also.)

Anyway, I wasn't expecting it to actually feel good. Like, when I get that burst of energy, I really feel like I can do anything and I feel like, "Hell yeah!" I don't feel like I've worked out really until I get to that point. At least it didn't give me a boner this time; that's happened twice and I was kinda worried it would happen every time. (Googled that. Normal.) So, that is what I was missing, I wanted that endorphin bath. Now I get it, I understand what all those voices are talking about when they say working out "makes you feel good." The general good feeling afterward too is quite awesome.

Who knew.

Burning muscles does not count as warmed up LOL

Did I say I'd be sore today? Yep.

Not from two days ago, but from yesterday where I hit a new record for myself on the elliptical: 48 minutes.

Today, I only just barely made it through a five minute warm-up, which was only a warm-up because I was hot and dripping sweat by 90 seconds -- my muscles never warmed up, unless burning with every step counts. LOL I tried a take-two and only made it just over 2 minutes before I said, "Ok no, I can't do this today."

Still, I did get a little 7 minute cardio warm-up. I like to warm up my cardio a little even if I plan to focus on weight training.

I got an exercise ball at Goodwill, still in the original packaging. Turns out it's an awesome one. It's weighted so it returns to the same position and it's made of some neoprene super stuff. Googled it. Anyway, I get it now. I see what all the hype of the ball is. It really works your core, and it helps you with form and balance big time. It doesn't even really matter what you do, as long as you use the thing, it is working your abs and core. I've been sitting on it while I some of my free weight sets and I find that it is a lot harder to get through the sets because I am also working on staying centered on the ball.

So that's what I've accomplished today (other than working.) I don't feel satisfied yet. I will probably do some more free weight sets or maybe I'll try one of the recommended workouts I downloaded after I Googled the core ball. They look wicked hard.

I'm looking forward to working out today?? This one's a must read. LOL

Ok the weirdest thing happened last night.

I was on my elliptical, fighting my way through my warmup -- 5 min.

I find that the first 3 minutes is the hardest, it's when I start telling myself I'm going to get through my 20 min in 2 or even three sessions, or that I'm "just gonna take a break" after I get through the warmup. Then, just as 3 minutes is starting to loom on the timer, I break into the first sweat, my pulse goes heavy but even, and I realize, Oh, I'm gonna be just fine.

So, I'm jimbing (that's jog-climbing) away somewhere around 10 minutes, and I'm starting to feel the second wave of fatigue, and I think, Alright, I might take take a break at 15 min. And instead, what happened was I got to 14 minutes and thought, Fuck it, six more and I'll be at 20 min which is goal.

Then the weird thing happened.

This is my elliptical a Weslo G 3.1

I got to 20 minutes still going steady at 6 mph (which is a fast jog) with the resistance tension set at 6 out of 8. And I realized I felt really great, like superman in fact. And I said, "Fuck it. 10 more minutes." And I turned the resistance up to max, and kicked it up to a hard jog, 11 mph for 10 minutes, until the last 90 seconds warm down. And seriously, I felt like a million bucks. I've never enjoyed exercising before. Even remembering it while I write this, and I'm anxious to go get on the elliptical. Weird.

I'm not even sore today, which is fantastic. I might be tomorrow, I've had a 48 hour delay on that before. But it won't be bad, I don't think. The most muscular part of me is my legs anyway. But it's the weirdest thing to actually be -- right now -- looking forward to working out today. Weird. Weird. Weird. I like it.

30 Day Report

Wow, I haven't written in 2 1/2 weeks.

Well let's see. July 1st has come and gone, so my 30 day trial run is completed. Really more like 5 weeks. I knew it was going to take me a full month to get a real sense of how I was going to make it work. And a couple times I have really felt like it was another false start, but instead I seem to have made it work.

I only lost 1 pound. However, in the course of the month I actually gained 5 lbs. over my starting weight, so I actually lost 6 lbs. but only a net loss of 1.

Smoking cigarettes: still quit and over the first serious almost-relapse, which I am pretty happy about. I've smoked a few real cigarettes (versus my eCig) over the month but each time it has tasted and felt disgusting to me and even though I smoked the whole thing, it reminded me how glad I was that I didn't smoke any more. I had one evening with friends and a few too many drinks where I had an evening long relapse. And after that, I think 3 days in a row, I smoked one real cigarette a day. This coincided with me having a little summer cold, and being extremely fatigued from an endless 2 weeks at work, and I was just so beat down and my willpower was wrecked, blah blah blah. Anyway, I said to myself, I feel like I'm gonna buy a pack of cigarettes. I have to deal with this. So, I whipped up some more backbone and just made myself stop. I'm back on the eCig all the time again. I do find I am smoking the eCig a lot less too, sometimes at home I go all night without thinking about it. The real cigarette incidents were just that, incidents where I buckled in a stressful situation -- work has been a shitstorm, and I was working with a cold through it. It was always at work. However, overall, I pronounce quitting smoking basically handled.

I have struggled with some real emotional sabotage from myself. It's very defeating -- for example -- to get on the scale after you've worked out every day and followed your goals, and find you gained 3 lbs. That was a hard one, there were others. Like the night I totally caved and gave myself permission to eat a meal and half worth of food at midnight. The day after that, I actually said out loud to myself, "That's it, I failed, right? It's over?" And also when I went 4 days without doing any cardio or weight training whatsoever; after that little episode, I felt really like, ok this is it, I'm off the wagon, I know what's gonna happen, oh well it was a nice try. Oddly though, it's like I could actually really feel it coming over me like a pall or a filter, and each time I just said to myself, No, that is not gonna happen. I've taken those little failures and managed to channel the negative energy into motivation to do it right, and it's worked.

Of course, I wanted to just magically waste away to 175 lbs. and equally mysteriously somehow develop a big, bulked up chest and arms. But it doesn't work that way. Over the month, I've seen the direct effect of even a minimal fitness regimen. On the weeks where I have been consistent in my workouts I've also noticed decreased appetite in general, better sleep, and stable weight loss. Duh.

I have started to see some differences in my body. Nothing photo worthy yet, but in particular, I have noticed that my ass is getting cuter, which for me means bigger 'cause I have no ass. Apparently I have some now, and I'm going to have more. And I have noticed my arms starting to get some definition, and I can feel that my pecs and lats are building, although it's not very noticeable yet, it will be. So actually, I have no idea how much weight I might have for real, because I am definitely gaining muscle. My legs, in particular my thighs, are also starting to get really defined -- I already had ok legs, but they are starting to look really fit even to me.

I bought an elliptical and it turns out I love it. Who knew jogging stairs was what would work for me? I can jog 6 mph on it with the tension 2/3 of the way up for 15 min already, and I've only been using it 2 weeks. The curve was almost straight up, too. The first day I used it, I only made it two minutes and I had to do it one minute at a time. But I was up to 20 minutes within a couple days, first 20 min in 2 sessions at a moderate pace, and by this week I was up to the hard jog for 15 min after a 5 min warmup. I think I can take it up to 30 min pretty soon. For whatever reason, I took to the elliptical naturally. In fact, I know I can take it to 30 min because I've done 45 a couple days in multiple sessions, but I set my goal -- 20 minutes at this point, and I try to consider anything I so over goal to be gravy.

Same with my weight training. I'm sticking to my goals with the free weights, they have stayed the same the whole month which is fine with me. I'm still having a hard time finishing the reps in some of the sets, so I'm staying put until the sets are too easy. However, I do also do a little bit over goal every day, and a couple days I've tripled my sets, but again, I treat it like gravy. I was wicked sore the next day, and I don't want to make myself so sore I can't work out. Any activity at all is more than I was doing before.

So, overall, in spite of some setbacks, in fact possible because of them, I think I am on the road to resetting my physical lifestyle. I'm very proud of myself that I have managed to incorporate breakfast back into my diet -- I have drank a fresh fruit smoothie every single day but one, and that day I was groggy and cranky and I knew it was because I didn't make my smoothie. And it has helped me to feel hungry ealier in the day too, because instead of my body just being in starvation / fasting mode, I can actually tell my stomach is empty and I'm hungry. Weird that eating helps you control your eating, right? It's weird stuff, and even though the info is right there everywhere you look, it never clicked in my head before like this. I've never succeeded at this for a whole month before. Like, I feel like I really am making a sea change in my life. My personality of course is still mine, but I have felt like I am changing who I am.

At this point I am willing to say, not only will I look good in a tight t-shirt, I'm gonna have a hot body. It might take me a year, in fact I planned it to, but yeah. Hot body.

You get up, you get back on the horse

OK, so of course I had to go and brag about how I'd gotten my night eating under control. Then last night (including alcohol) I ate 3161 calories after midnight and then went and passed out. Woke up 6 lbs. heavier this morning. 6 pounds.

I know I didn't actually gain 6 real pounds, it's water retention and a couple pounds of food still going through my GI tract, but I can pretty much guarantee tomorrow I'll see the actual net gain from it, which will probably be a pound or even two.

I've had an interesting week. From the combination of tracking my calories / eating and holding to my no night eating rule I observed something amazing: as long as I didn't eat at night, like no later than 7 or 8 pm, I lost weight every day. It almost didn't matter what I ate during the day within reason, as long as I didn't eat too late into the evening, I was consistently dropping .5 to 1 lb. a day.

I also observed that on the days I "did it right" and ate the most of my calories, protein, carbs and fat early in the day, and focused on high fiber and complex carbs later in the day, it was much easier to control the urge to eat at night, and easier to make the right choices if I did eat anything. It made it sink in a little more the actual importance of eating when you're "dieting" -- it's not a "diet" if it doesn't include food. Starving yourself by skipping meals or excessive fasting, coupled with infrequent huge meals (usually two a day, right?) makes your body go into a low-level shock because your hypothalamus starts sending out survival signals to your body, triggering fat-generation mode. It really is really bad, a total "diet" killer. Your body is capable of converting almost any nutrient into fat to store the nutrition. Eating more frequently, and eating most of your protein, carbs and fat early in the day keeps your body fed and lets your metabolism work right.

I had an object lesson this week in how well it can work, and how ugly it can be when you fall off the wagon. 6 pounds worth of a lesson. I was horrified when I got on the scale this morning.

I have stayed on track with my fitness goals though. Interestingly even on the days I went a little retrograde in terms of my nutritional plan, I still got my cardio and weight training done. I have done one or the other every day, and both every day about 2 out of 3, not bad. My pecs and my deltoid and tricep are the ones that hurt. I have a pretty decent bicep, always have, although it has been way better before. And you really have to tighten up your tricep or you can't really see the bicep definition, and the tricep is where you get the grandma wing. I'm starting to see and feel a positive difference in my upper body, both in strength and in muscle shape, and it's very encouraging. It makes me actually like the burn. "That pain you feel today is the strength you will feel tomorrow."

Anyway, it's been a mixed bag this past week or thereabouts. Overall, I had a great week, stayed on my nutritional goals, got my fitness goals in every day, but then I really crashed & burned yesterday. It was not even a backslide, it was a total reversion. I didn't eat all day, then at about 4 pm, I ordered way too much food out after work, then starved myself again for almost 8 hours and ended up eating directly out of the refrigerator at 12:30.

I choose to take it as a lesson. I try to focus on the successes, and there were plenty, particularly in getting to the top of the curve on understanding and internalizing it all. Every failure I've experienced so far has served to reinforce why I need to do this. For some reason, I've been able to see why each failure has happened and what the consequences were, and channel my disappointment into motivation to do it right. It's working, but every time I have a bad day I really have to work through it with myself and keep reminding myself it's just a setback, not the end of the plan. You get up, you get back on the horse.

nice progress

On the ride home from my cousin's house tonight, I caught myself thinking about my treadmill, like excitedly. I was actually looking forward to coming home and torturing myself. I've been doing a combination walk / jog and I find that each day it is easier to jog a little more.

I'm still sorting this out in my head, but I think something happened. I think my near-failure with the 3-day total backslide actually motivated me to get back on. I think the reason is also partly because for some reason, this time for the first time ever, my exercises actually make me feel energized and happy afterward. Finally, some positive reinforcement for working out, instead of just pain and exhaustion. Something's different this time, and I don't really care what it is, but I like it.

That's never happened before. I have easily, happily, given up on my diet and exercise plans -- ever. And I've never had an exercise plan before, not really. But for some reason, this time, my failure to stay on my own plan really pissed me off, and I said, F- this, I'm going to f-ing do this.

And ever since then, I've had some really awesome successes too. I have successfully controlled my night binge eating every night so far. I have eaten at night, I have to because of my work schedule, but I've eaten what I planned to eat, not more, and if I was still hungry I drank a glass of water and waited 10 minutes.

That's another one. I have tried to keep this rule: every time I feel hungry, I will drink a glass of water and wait ten minutes. I had a really good one today. I got home from my cousin's and I knew I was hungry and still needed dinner -- i.e., I had already given myself permission to eat. And, as I was ripping into the fridge, yanking ingredients out like Christmas decorations, I was just about to graze on a mouthful of grated cheddar and I said, No, just because you are legitimately hungry and plan to make a meal, you still have to do it. And, I drank a glass of water and waited. And afterward I was also able to choose a different meal that was better for me, and I didn't feel deprived. Sweet.

Huge, Ugly Backslide

I've had a pretty serious backslide. Since my Vegan Fast challenge was over, I've pretty much gone off the wagon. I've remained vegetarian, but my eating patterns have gone back to how they were, and I've stopped exercising again.

I didn't really "lose" any weight, either, although I am below my top weigh-in weight. My weight has fluctuated by about 7 lbs. since June 1st. I dropped down as low as 226 and back up as high as 233. My weigh-in this morning was 230.8, so did I "lose" 2 lbs. since June 1st? Sure. But tomorrow I could be just as likely to get on the scale and see I'm at 235.

Since I've become conscious of the fact that "Night Eating Syndrome (NES)" is an actual, real thing, I've also been seeing my own behavior more critically. Reading the symptoms, it was just such a wake-up, it was a description of my exact eating pattern. (Note: it was the same exact Oh My God Moment I had when I read the "Top 10 Signs You Are Experiencing Domestic Violence" pamphlet the sheriffs left me after they arrested my ex, and I was like, "Oh my god, really? Every one?) Like, knowing that it actually is something means I can begin working out how to deal with it.

Last night I had a major NES experience. It was after 11pm, I hadn't eaten much all day. I was starting to feel hungry. And I said to myself, I'm not gonna pig out. But I knew I was going to eat something, so I told myself, it's ok to eat something. So I had a medium sized bowl of my homemade vegan chili, which is also very low calorie and fat and high fiber, etc. It's only about 250 calories. Then, that uncontrollable urge to eat started to come over me, and I could feel it and I tried to tell myself, It's happening, you know it's happening, just make it stop, ignore it, whatever. I totally failed. Within the space of 90 minutes -- right before I went to bed, too -- I ate not only that bowl of chili, but three, yes 3, cheese sandwiches (12 grain bread, extra sharp cheddar, mayo.) I wasn't even hungry any more after the chili, I could feel that my belly was full, and I still ate all three of those sandwiches. Oh yeah and about a cup of fat-free cottage cheese. (Added later. Just remembered that.)

I didn't realize it at the time of course, but thinking about it this morning I realized that a major portion of these extreme overeating nights happen on days I don't eat enough during the day. Duh, right? But what I mean is these episodes have a metabolic element to them that I never made the two-plus-two with before. Even though my stomach is full from the first meal, for example a bowl of chili, my body is still suffering a major caloric / nutritional deficit for the day so my eating impulse is still turned on full. So not only am I struggling with a lifelong pattern of "comfort snacking" at night, but I am also experiencing a legitimate biological imperative -- your body knows it is starving so it wants to eat.

Note, I also drank yesterday. I had one cocktail (vodka, soda water, and lime) at Pat's Pizza with Kim, then two more at Lysa's, and then I drank 3 glasses of wine at home. I know the alcohol is a major contributor, both to my empty calories and to lowered willpower when it comes to controlling my eating / making the right dietary choices.

Without the alcohol, I was only at about 1700 calories yesterday, which isn't a dramatic caloric deficit, but it is for my body which is still accustomed to taking in upwards of 3000 a day. Including the alcohol and the late night binge eating, I took in 4364 calories, more than double my caloric goal range, I also more than doubled my carb goal and nearly doubled my fat. The only thing that was in line was my protein, which is probably negated by the alcohol -- alcohol consumption in particular hampers your body's ability to process protein, and converts it to fat instead. The food alone that I ate after 11pm was a 1900 calorie binge, which is near the top of my caloric goal for the entire day. No surprise I woke up this morning and had gained about 1 lb. (0.7 lbs.) My caloric intake yesterday was somewhere around 2500 calories over my break-even which is just about 3/4 of a pound of body fat.

A few things are clear to me.

• I need to roll back my drinking again
• I am going to just be honest about it, that I am not interested in not drinking. I like to have a cocktail or a beer after work a couple days a week and I enjoy my "happy hour" visits with Lysa, and once in a while you just need to tie one on.
• However, I think I can revive my old rule, no drinking at home.
• I need to eat more, earlier in the day, and eat more frequently throughout the day
• I need to get more of my calories and nutrition throughout the day so my body does not go into starvation mode and start sabotaging me from the inside by making my eating impulse go into overdrive.
• This can be a problem at work because often it is too busy to order a meal, or I only have the opportunity to eat one meal either at the very beginning or the very end of my shift. I may have to start bringing food that is ready to eat.
• I need to exercise every day
• I can't take a day off. A day off for me is really just me saying, "OK, that was enough of that." It's my subconscious sabotage. I know I can't do strength training every day, but I've got to include some kind of cardio or strength training or both into every day.
• I think to accomplish this, I need to start viewing exercise the same way I view my caloric intake -- there has to be a certain baseline I achieve every day.
• Because I am not going to exclude alcohol from my diet, exercise becomes even more important for compensating for the empty caloric intake and the dampening effect on your metabolism.
• More on this later

When I woke up this morning, I felt very discouraged and disappointed with myself. Since I've been processing what happened, and applying some critical thinking, as well as some brutal honesty to it, I am feeling more like I can get back on track. It's a setback, not the end of the project. It's not a "project" it's my life. Wasn't it Rocky Balboa who said something like, "It's not how hard you can hit that matters, it's how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward." (Thanks Lysa for the quote.)

Day 4

Day 4 has been really good.
Vegan diet, check.
No smoking, check.

I actually got up early and jogged a mile this morning. Yes, you heard me.

And I don't feel awful, in fact I felt happy and energized all day, I didn't even eSmoke as much. Also didn't drink as much coffee. Amazing. I thought I would be sore from exercise, not too bad actually. My pecs and lats are tender but not sore. What hurts like a bitch is the muscles in the front of my upper leg, above the knee-- those ones, from doing squats and lunges yesterday. Jesus.

Weighed in at 233.0, so I lost .4 lb., which is close enough to call it a half pound. Phew.

Managed 12 pushups, 15 sit ups, and did 15 min cardio jogging this morning.

I'm starting to get the gross, thick, nasty stuff up out of my lungs from not smoking. Today I felt like I'd smoked a pack of cigarettes yesterday. It's good, but icky. Pretty soon I'll start to get the throat stuff, where my voice cracks like I'm 11, but that is the really good stuff, means your vocal cords are starting to clear up. Even though some of it is a gross reality, I'm kinda looking forward to it, 'cause I remember it from last time, and I really liked it. And few things feel as good as a good throat clearing.

I think that covers it for today.

Day 3

Ug, weighed in this morning at 233.4, meaning I gained 1.8 lbs. Actually had to adapt my nutrition and fitness goals on SparkPeople because it caused my BMI to go up.

I have no doubt what caused the weight gain. It's called a "beer belly" for a reason. Not only did I drink with Lysa, I drank more when I got home and this also caused a lapse in the vegetarian diet too. Some late-night chicken nuggets with bbq sauce.

I really am going to have to eliminate alcohol from my diet.

OK. No more drinking at home. If I do drink, I will drink wine or hard liquor, not beer. And I will limit myself to 1 only. This goal applies for at least 30 days. We will re-evaluate then.

Doing really well on not smoking. No problems. eCig rocks.

Fitness for the day: managed 10 push-ups, 15 sit-ups and 10 minutes cardio jogging.

I feel frustrated today, but I managed to channel that frustration into some fitness work. I really want to see a weight drop. I know I am eating more because of not smoking, but it was really the booze plus the compromised willpower that led me to basically binge eat some chicken nuggets. OK, with ranch too, not just bbq.

It's only day 3. I'd like to at least get back down to my starting weight by Day 7, which was 230.6 lbs., which is 2.8 lbs. It's aggressive, and more than I would normally recommend losing in a week, but for the first week, sure a 3-5 lb drop would be nice.

That's it, I'm doing it. 230 lbs. here we come.