Food triggers and binge eating

So in this post I said, "After two months of monitoring this, ruminating on it, Googling it, and generally letting it settle into my brain I have been forced to accept that simply saying that late night eating is my real problem is not sufficient to addressing it -- I have to actually not eat."

As they say, acknowledging a problem is the first step. Not the step, right? There's more to it. Next is addressing it. So, let's address my binge eating at night.

Let's start with a confession: I can easily consume 3 or 4 times as much food as a regular person.

Here's some binge eating I regularly do:

• When I make a meal, especially pasta, I will eat the equivalent of a whole meal out of the pan as I am preparing it, so that I can also eat a semi-large "meal" and make it look like I am eating normally.
• Sometimes I will make myself two cheese and mayo sandwiches as a "snack" and eat them both in 3 or 4 bites each. (Note that is like a 1000 calories in 3 minutes.)
• Sometimes I eat so fast that food packs down into my throat because my esophagus can't get it into my stomach as fast as I'm swallowing it -- I'll have to stop and guzzle water to flush the food into my stomach so I can keep eating.
• If I am really, really hungry when I eat a meal, I eat so fast that I am already eating a second full helping before I even start to feel like I ate at all.
• I secret-eat. The eating out of the cooking pan as I prepare is secret eating. In general, that is my secret-eat MO: I eat large portions of the food I am preparing for dinner before it ever gets to the plate, and I will follow up with a few bites every time I go into the kitchen during and after the meal, too.
• With some foods like pasta, chips or crackers, I will eat them until they are gone. I will even try to stop and I can't. I'll be shoveling it in and even though I am thinking, "I have to stop," I just can't make the fork stop going into my mouth. (NOTE: with this one, I am having a lot of success changing, I have been able to stop or avoid all together lately.... gotta keep that track.)
• Alcohol. Sometimes I will have a glass of wine after work, before dinner, and it kills my appetite. I sometimes end up drinking all night instead of eating, because the calories from alcohol fool your body into thinking you ate. So then one of two things happens: either, I am just destroyed apocalyptic hung over the next day (which is getting harder and harder on me as I get older) or -- maybe worse -- just before bed, I will tell myself I need to eat something so I'm not crazy hung over tomorrow, and because I'm drunk and have no willpower, I eat some marathon like 2000 calories or total garbage then go immediately pass out. 

There. If you didn't already feel you knew too much about me, there's some really ugly stuff.

So, I've done a lot of reading about binge eating disorder and food addiction. I know that am an emotional eater, and I am starting to be able to recognize the triggers. I eat for stress relief and I eat when I'm bored. 

I have this vivid recollection where I got a subpoena delivered to my door by a cop. That's like every trigger in one package. I fear and distrust police officers. I have a near panic attack when someone knocks on my door without calling first. (I normally will not answer the door if I don't know who it is.) And getting a subpoena played out a whole nightmare scenario. Anyway -- I found myself eating directly out of the refrigerator, actually folding a sandwich in half so I could eat it faster. I don't recall going in the kitchen, or starting to eat. 

"Trigger foods" seem to be a big focus of a lot of the info that is out there about binge eating and food addiction. I find that I have more psychological or emotional triggers than any specific foods that cause me to have a binge. There are certain foods that are my go-to foods, but I think they are very common ones because of their fat-carb-reward loop: pasta, bread, chips (really crackers for me more than chips.) Also, these are foods that are easy to consume large portions of very quickly, and produce the proper dopamine effect that most people experience as "food coma." 

Since I have been approaching my diet, fitness and health goals as a whole lifestyle change, I have been experiencing a lot of success dealing with triggers without binge eating. I find that I have to concentrate really hard sometimes, but I can listen to what my body is telling me versus the urge to gobble down everything I can get in my mouth. When I want to go in the kitchen and "grab a snack," I am able to pay attention and determine if I am actually hungry or not. If I am actually hungry, I'll eat something. If I'm not actually hungry (like when I can feel that my belly is full but I'm still planning a meal in my head,) that is when we're in the danger zone.

So what do we do in the danger zone?

• I start with water. Drink down a nice big glass of water, fast. I get the visceral satisfaction of swallowing a large portion of something. And water filling your belly does satisfy your hunger pangs long enough for your brain to evaluate if you're really hungry or not. It is also a true fact that your brain has a difficult time differentiating between hunger and thirst, so sometimes you really are just thirsty. Luckily, I also love water, it is my #1 favorite beverage, always has been. So I have a lot of success using water to help me get through triggers.
• Exercise. This one is new for me, and I discovered it organically. (Another thing I had to discover empirically for myself, couldn't just take everyone's word for it...) I'll feel a hunger pang when I know I should not be hungry (like I already ate...) and I'll grab my free weights and do a couple reps. Next thing I know, I've forgotten all about eating. 
• Try willpower. As my nutritional health is increasing, I find this one to be a lot easier. Sometimes simply telling myself, "I'm not actually hungry, it's just a trigger," actually works. I'm actually not hungry, because I'm eating enough dietary fiber and vegetables that increase my satisfaction with meals, I am not nutritionally starved so these triggers are more readily identified as merely culprits, not legit hunger.
• Still can't totally stop? Maybe I am actually hungry. Eat something that is not a binge food. Some grapes or other fruit, or a couple spoonfuls of low fat cottage cheese, or one turkey-cheese roll-up. And immediately drink some water and get the f**k out of the kitchen. This one is a last resort. Stopping binge behavior with food is a slippery slope for the obvious reasons.

I'd like to conclude by saying: the best way to overcome eating triggers is SUCCESS. 

Last night I knew I was going to hit my weight loss goal for the week, because I was already there. All I had to do yesterday was not gain anything and I was set to win this morning. -- And I did it. -- One of my biggest triggers is a self-sabotage I've struggled with forever: I get so close to truly making a lasting change in my weight and health and right when I get to the brink, I fail big. And that justifies a binge, or giving up totally, which reinforces the "why do I bother?..." 

So last night, there I was, right on the brink of making my weekly goal. It's just one sleep away, and I'm already there. All I have to do is just maintain. I ate my healthy salad for dinner and some fresh cherries for a snack after. And then.... every time I go in the kitchen, I'm lookin' in the fridge, "I just need a snack." No. I don't. 

And I got through it with willpower -- I just kept my eyes on the prize: I'm at my goal, I'm not gonna fuck that up just so I can shove a meal I don't need down my throat one time. I did compromise with myself, and I ate some cottage cheese about an hour before bed, and that satisfied me. And when I woke up this morning and got on the scale.... and found not only was I at goal, I was 1 lb. below, I was elated. I did it! It seems silly to have felt that proud of myself for such a small thing, but it really was a big thing. I confronted a lifelong self-destructive patterns and won. Not saying the battle is over, but every success makes me feel more and more like I can do it.

Weigh-In Wednesday -- lost 2 lbs.

Weigh-In Wednesday -- yes I know it's Friday, it's been a long week, ok?
236 lbs., lost 2 lbs., total lost overall 17 lbs.

Funny because I felt like I went way off the rails again last week. I struggled with some bad patterns still, but I stayed on plan in terms of what I actually ate, so even though I did overeat a few times and I still ate late at night a couple times, it was hummus and wasabi peas, not pizza and cheese sandwiches.

I have had to make a few adjustments to my diet again.
I have to be realistic about myself and how I want to eat.
The dramatic alterations I have made to my diet have actually led me to binge eat a few times because I was so carb-starved, I just lost control and went way overboard,

Food confession: (in case you think I'm kidding, or exaggerating about it being a binge....) one night after a few drinks and having not eaten more than a salad all day I ate 6 Jimmy Dean Sausage, Egg & Cheese Biscuits (yes, six) plus about 3/4 lb. of swiss cheese and 3/4 lb. of sliced turkey rolled up and dipped in hummus, and an entire 2 lb. package of dried mango. Then went straight to bed.

At any rate, that, along with a few other considerations has made me realize I need to re-introduce a modest amount of "bready" carbs into my diet. To that end, I have implemented the following allowances:

• Pasta, whole wheat or white, twice a week if I want them, 1 serving per time only, measured
• I like a breakfast sandwich, so I bought English muffins & sausage patties (I always have eggs & cheese already) and will allow ONE a day
• I need a carby snack at night, I just do. So I bought a box of Saltine crackers, and will allow 10-15 crackers at night, with a dip like hummus or salsa or both
• Pizza. I have decided that I may have 2 pizzas a month, any kind I want, and I will eat it all in one sitting if I feel like it

I feel like these allowances are going to help me get back on the wagon, The fact that I did them last week and still lost 2 lbs. tells me it's possible. I don't regret dramatically restricting my diet for a few weeks, it really allowed me to feel some success in the form of some dramatic weight drop, which felt really good. And it facilitated me breaking my heavy reliance on high carb foods. And it forced me to be creative in order to get enough food, which in turn led me to try new foods and new combinations of foods. It was positive, even the crash & burn a couple weeks ago ended up being positive because it led me realize I had to find a way to make it work without giving up a few things I really love. And that I really WAS going to do it, not just give up and go back to my old ways like I always have before. I'm gonna do this dammit,

Weigh-In Wednesday -- ouch, I gained 2 lbs

238. GAINED 2 lbs. this week, 15 lbs. lost overall.

Dammit. I gained weight. I got on the scale like 10 times before I was willing to accept it. haha.

I really did go off the rails this last week. I think I was testing myself to see how far I could push the limits of what is considered "on-plan." Here's what I found:

I stayed on plan in terms of my points, but I ate badly and in unhealthy patterns. I skipped breakfast a few times. I also ate pasta. And McDonald's (yesterday.) And I ate late at night a few times. So pretty much my old eating pattern, in spite of staying on my points.

There is a positive side to this. I was a lot more active this week. And I did really well with not eating bread -- the Quarter Pounder yesterday being the exception. I know that my body will freak out and hold onto fat when I make a major change in my diet, and stopping bread is definitely a big one.

I don't feel guilty about McDonald's. I consciously gave myself permission to eat there. I have not eaten McDonald's since I started WW's, and had not for a while beforehand. It was getting way out of control where I was eating at least one large meal there several times a week and sometimes on my day off I would go drive thru and get a huge bag of McCrack and go home and eat it all. I mean a big bag, like.... ok, confession time: 3 McDoubles, 3 McChickens, a 20-piece McNugget, large fries, and a large Coke; I didn't even make the pretense of getting Diet Coke. SO -- yesterday, having a quarter pounder, small fries and a Coke Zero was really a much more appropriate indulgence.

In fact, I probably put in that two pounds yesterday. I also ate birthday cake. It was my mom's birthday.

So the math goes like this:

Skip Breakfast + McDonald's For Lunch + Birthday Cake = 2 lbs.

Goals for next week:

• Lose at least 1 lb.
• Stick to the Good Health Guidelines 
• Let go of the failure and focus on moving forward