Monthly Goals Report July - Aug

July 20 - August 20, 2017

So here's the short of it:
Weight 278, meaning I lost 4 lbs., and 12 lbs since restarting. We're going with "that's good," in spite of it being only 40% of goal. Other measurements are pretty encouraging: lost an inch around my thigh, and half an inch around my neck, and gained an inch around my bicep. Here's the graphic:

My goals for this month were:

• Lose 10 lbs (nope, lost 4, which would be under goal for a normal month... it's ok... I lost weight...)
• Eat 2000 or less calories a day (adjusted up from 1930) -- did this 25 out of 32 days, and only went seriously over (2650 calories) 1 time
• Walk to work every day -- nailed it, plus walked home a few times and went hiking, etc.
• Track my calories daily / write down every single thing I ate -- nailed it
• Strength train every other day with no more than one 2-day rest period a week -- nailed it, until last week when I fell WAY off the wagon, have only worked out once since last Thu

Soooooooooooo.........

OK, the good: I lost weight. Not only did I lose weight, but I seem to have broken through the 280-boundary that I was feeling stuck at. Just don't sabotage that and I'll be on track to keep losing. When I was first trying to lose and track my weight a couple years ago I was at 245 and feeling like I could never get back down to my goal weight (190) with so far to go. Now, I keep remembering, "OK, I can be smaller. I weighed 245 three years ago. I weighed 195 six years ago. I can get back there." Oddly enough I have one co-worker who keeps reminding me (and she didn't know me back then, which makes it even stranger, but more encouraging in a way) "It didn't all go on in a month, it isn't gonna come off that fast, either."

More good: I am very pleased to see that I have lost an inch off my thigh, and half an inch off my neck, and that I gained a whole inch around my bicep. Even though my belly and waist aren't much smaller (my pants still fit the same) I now see empirically that I am in fact losing body fat, and gaining muscle.

I hate to use an already overused cliche, but overall I am getting the feeling I need to "lean in" to this a little more. I made the broad-strokes changes, and after 3 months of tracking and learning from it, I think I see now where I can put more focus without screwing it up. Calories and fitness, of course.

I need to restrict my daily calories a little tighter without decreasing my food volume. If I feel hungry, I'm going to eat, that's all there is to it. I need to find some places to replace fat and carbs with fiber or protein. I was been causally / anecdotally testing the waters to see if I can get 50% of my calories from plant-based food, and I think I can do it... I might try that for the Aug - Sept month and see what happens.

I also need to work out a little more. I've adapted 100% to walking to work, it never occurs to me to take the car any more. (We'll see what happens the first time I wake up to 2 feet of snow...) And I'm doing ok on strength training, but I think I need to add a little more full-body exercise to my routine, make it a little longer, just do a little more. I'm not sure what. My current fitness routine developed organically, so I'm going to let this next step do the same. Goal for the Aug - Sept month will be to increase my workout time overall to 30 min, and include some new element, maybe HIT or maybe I'll give yoga another whirl (I hated it before, so..... that either means it's totally the right thing, or I was right and yoga is stupid... not sure which.)

I had a couple times this month that I was very discouraged and felt that familiar feeling like I was about to throw in the towel. Particularly when I just kept yo-yo-ing back up above 280, I just wanted to say fuck it and go bury myself in a pile of fried food and eat my way back to the surface with a side of mayo. But, I didn't. I'm not even sure how truthfully, other than every time it happened, that voice in my head would say, "No, this is not the end of the road. You are not going to quit. Giving up now means that other voice is right, and you really are fat and a failure." And somewhere I found the conviction to just move on from setbacks. I realize now that just because I don't make my monthly goal is not a reason to quit -- then I won't make any more goals. I hate failure. But I'm not going to allow it to make me turn back any more. Push through adversity. Be the boss I act like I am.

And remember the wins. I've lost 12 lbs. so far. I've lost an inch off my thigh and and half an inch off my neck and my muscles are getting bigger. My cardio conditioning is coming back really well, and I can tell I am getting stronger. I'm sleeping better and I'm in a better mood. I haven't had what I would classify as a binge in over a month, and my preference for healthy foods is increasing. I had a funny proof of that the other day -- I said, "I want Ranch dressing on my salad today, I'm gonna have it." And then, it tasted gross to me. So, there is positive stuff happening, I just need to keep working at it.

Food triggers and binge eating

So in this post I said, "After two months of monitoring this, ruminating on it, Googling it, and generally letting it settle into my brain I have been forced to accept that simply saying that late night eating is my real problem is not sufficient to addressing it -- I have to actually not eat."

As they say, acknowledging a problem is the first step. Not the step, right? There's more to it. Next is addressing it. So, let's address my binge eating at night.

Let's start with a confession: I can easily consume 3 or 4 times as much food as a regular person.

Here's some binge eating I regularly do:

• When I make a meal, especially pasta, I will eat the equivalent of a whole meal out of the pan as I am preparing it, so that I can also eat a semi-large "meal" and make it look like I am eating normally.
• Sometimes I will make myself two cheese and mayo sandwiches as a "snack" and eat them both in 3 or 4 bites each. (Note that is like a 1000 calories in 3 minutes.)
• Sometimes I eat so fast that food packs down into my throat because my esophagus can't get it into my stomach as fast as I'm swallowing it -- I'll have to stop and guzzle water to flush the food into my stomach so I can keep eating.
• If I am really, really hungry when I eat a meal, I eat so fast that I am already eating a second full helping before I even start to feel like I ate at all.
• I secret-eat. The eating out of the cooking pan as I prepare is secret eating. In general, that is my secret-eat MO: I eat large portions of the food I am preparing for dinner before it ever gets to the plate, and I will follow up with a few bites every time I go into the kitchen during and after the meal, too.
• With some foods like pasta, chips or crackers, I will eat them until they are gone. I will even try to stop and I can't. I'll be shoveling it in and even though I am thinking, "I have to stop," I just can't make the fork stop going into my mouth. (NOTE: with this one, I am having a lot of success changing, I have been able to stop or avoid all together lately.... gotta keep that track.)
• Alcohol. Sometimes I will have a glass of wine after work, before dinner, and it kills my appetite. I sometimes end up drinking all night instead of eating, because the calories from alcohol fool your body into thinking you ate. So then one of two things happens: either, I am just destroyed apocalyptic hung over the next day (which is getting harder and harder on me as I get older) or -- maybe worse -- just before bed, I will tell myself I need to eat something so I'm not crazy hung over tomorrow, and because I'm drunk and have no willpower, I eat some marathon like 2000 calories or total garbage then go immediately pass out. 

There. If you didn't already feel you knew too much about me, there's some really ugly stuff.

So, I've done a lot of reading about binge eating disorder and food addiction. I know that am an emotional eater, and I am starting to be able to recognize the triggers. I eat for stress relief and I eat when I'm bored. 

I have this vivid recollection where I got a subpoena delivered to my door by a cop. That's like every trigger in one package. I fear and distrust police officers. I have a near panic attack when someone knocks on my door without calling first. (I normally will not answer the door if I don't know who it is.) And getting a subpoena played out a whole nightmare scenario. Anyway -- I found myself eating directly out of the refrigerator, actually folding a sandwich in half so I could eat it faster. I don't recall going in the kitchen, or starting to eat. 

"Trigger foods" seem to be a big focus of a lot of the info that is out there about binge eating and food addiction. I find that I have more psychological or emotional triggers than any specific foods that cause me to have a binge. There are certain foods that are my go-to foods, but I think they are very common ones because of their fat-carb-reward loop: pasta, bread, chips (really crackers for me more than chips.) Also, these are foods that are easy to consume large portions of very quickly, and produce the proper dopamine effect that most people experience as "food coma." 

Since I have been approaching my diet, fitness and health goals as a whole lifestyle change, I have been experiencing a lot of success dealing with triggers without binge eating. I find that I have to concentrate really hard sometimes, but I can listen to what my body is telling me versus the urge to gobble down everything I can get in my mouth. When I want to go in the kitchen and "grab a snack," I am able to pay attention and determine if I am actually hungry or not. If I am actually hungry, I'll eat something. If I'm not actually hungry (like when I can feel that my belly is full but I'm still planning a meal in my head,) that is when we're in the danger zone.

So what do we do in the danger zone?

• I start with water. Drink down a nice big glass of water, fast. I get the visceral satisfaction of swallowing a large portion of something. And water filling your belly does satisfy your hunger pangs long enough for your brain to evaluate if you're really hungry or not. It is also a true fact that your brain has a difficult time differentiating between hunger and thirst, so sometimes you really are just thirsty. Luckily, I also love water, it is my #1 favorite beverage, always has been. So I have a lot of success using water to help me get through triggers.
• Exercise. This one is new for me, and I discovered it organically. (Another thing I had to discover empirically for myself, couldn't just take everyone's word for it...) I'll feel a hunger pang when I know I should not be hungry (like I already ate...) and I'll grab my free weights and do a couple reps. Next thing I know, I've forgotten all about eating. 
• Try willpower. As my nutritional health is increasing, I find this one to be a lot easier. Sometimes simply telling myself, "I'm not actually hungry, it's just a trigger," actually works. I'm actually not hungry, because I'm eating enough dietary fiber and vegetables that increase my satisfaction with meals, I am not nutritionally starved so these triggers are more readily identified as merely culprits, not legit hunger.
• Still can't totally stop? Maybe I am actually hungry. Eat something that is not a binge food. Some grapes or other fruit, or a couple spoonfuls of low fat cottage cheese, or one turkey-cheese roll-up. And immediately drink some water and get the f**k out of the kitchen. This one is a last resort. Stopping binge behavior with food is a slippery slope for the obvious reasons.

I'd like to conclude by saying: the best way to overcome eating triggers is SUCCESS. 

Last night I knew I was going to hit my weight loss goal for the week, because I was already there. All I had to do yesterday was not gain anything and I was set to win this morning. -- And I did it. -- One of my biggest triggers is a self-sabotage I've struggled with forever: I get so close to truly making a lasting change in my weight and health and right when I get to the brink, I fail big. And that justifies a binge, or giving up totally, which reinforces the "why do I bother?..." 

So last night, there I was, right on the brink of making my weekly goal. It's just one sleep away, and I'm already there. All I have to do is just maintain. I ate my healthy salad for dinner and some fresh cherries for a snack after. And then.... every time I go in the kitchen, I'm lookin' in the fridge, "I just need a snack." No. I don't. 

And I got through it with willpower -- I just kept my eyes on the prize: I'm at my goal, I'm not gonna fuck that up just so I can shove a meal I don't need down my throat one time. I did compromise with myself, and I ate some cottage cheese about an hour before bed, and that satisfied me. And when I woke up this morning and got on the scale.... and found not only was I at goal, I was 1 lb. below, I was elated. I did it! It seems silly to have felt that proud of myself for such a small thing, but it really was a big thing. I confronted a lifelong self-destructive patterns and won. Not saying the battle is over, but every success makes me feel more and more like I can do it.

Weight-In Wednesday: lost 3 lbs. and big-boy breakfast

I did it! I made my goal for the week, plus a little. (Which is exactly what I said, "I need to be be at goal or a little ahead, instead of playing catch-up the rest of the time. Those little misses add up to big misses.")

This week's weight goal was 280, and as of this morning I am at 279. SWEET -- saw a 7. This means overall I have lost 3 lbs. this week and 11 lbs. overall since May. And that also means that really, I have lost 10 lbs. twice because in the end of June my weight blimped back up to 290. Gonna aim to not let that happen again.

I've discovered something empirically that I could not accept based on the word of others, even everyone:

I need to restrict my calorie intake at night.

I weight myself every day, twice a day. And, nearly every time I am as much as 3 lbs. lighter in the afternoon than I am first thing in the morning. The only times this has not been true were when I consciously stopped myself from eating into the evening and then my weight in the morning is right at, or just barely a sliver under my weight from the previous afternoon.

After two months of monitoring this, ruminating on it, Googling it, and generally letting it settle into my brain I have been forced to accept that simply saying that late night eating is my real problem is not sufficient to addressing it -- I have to actually not eat.

I use Google Fit to track my activity level and my BMR during the day and when I get home from work any given day I am usually at a 600-1000 calorie deficit for the day, which is right on target. For my overall goal, I am working toward being at a 750 calorie deficit every day with exercise calculated as part of it. That will (mathematically at least) allow me to lose 1.5 lbs per week. So then... I plant my ass in front of the TV and start eating. There are days more than 50% of my calories are consumed at home in the evening. And there are plenty of nights I go way over that.

I have found a couple things that help remedy that. Mostly, shifting a lot of my calories to breakfast makes a big difference. And secondarily to that, eating my greasy carbs at lunch (if I want them) seems to neutralize their negatives and maximize their positives. Yes there are positives such as: me being happy because I get to eat a french fry or a fried fish sandwich once in a while, and the calorie-fat-carb blast in the middle of the day keeps me going through the "late day slump." On the regular my lunch is a salad, but if I want crispy fried chicken on top of it, I have it. Or if there is something irresistible like coleslaw. Mmm. I need to be psychologically satisfied with my meals, too.

Oddly enough, I have to face weird reactions to eating a big breakfast. Where I work, we eat our meals together, in the dining room, with the residents (I work in an assisted living / nursing home.) And I often get comments like, "Well that's a big-boy breakfast isn't it?" Or, "Gee, are you hungry?" (To which I always simply say, "Yep.") (Note I could show up at the table with a 1000 calorie LUNCH on my plate and no one would bat an eyelash, but I eat a full plate of food at breakfast and it's a "big boy breakfast.")

My average breakfast runs around 600 calories. I normally have 2 scrambled eggs, gluten free toast, an apple, half a banana and either oatmeal or yogurt (but not both) and if there is bacon -- obviously, it's bacon. Eating a nice, big breakfast gives me energy through the day, makes it so I can eat a much lower calorie lunch (usually I eat a large salad with whatever protein is being served -- chicken or fish, etc.) and I have the balance of the day for my metabolism to actually use the fat calories instead of store them. My mood throughout the day is also higher and more positive if I had a good breakfast, and I am able to handle stress and demanding situations a lot more readily.

So yes. It is a "big-boy breakfast," because I'm a big boy and I have a lot of work to do. I'm working on not reacting emotionally to criticisms of my weight (which is what commenting on the size of a meal really is.) It's easy to knee-jerk to a defensive reaction, but I do try to save those for the deserving (like the asshole who made a shitty comment to me at an ice cream shop -- yeah I told that guy to go fuck himself, "I have an idea: how about you keep your fucking opinion to yourself where it belongs. What? You thought I came here for a salad maybe? So yeah. Fuck off." .... pretty sure is what I said that time.) But in general I am working on using my Zen on people's opinions / reactions to my weigh and fitness goals the way I do with nearly everything else. I'm making progress, but it's slow going.

At any rate, it's a good week. Lost 3 lbs. Met my exercise, activity, and tracking goals, and I am feeling stronger and healthier. I am going to write a separate entry about the night eating and some goal setting surrounding that. Stay tuned.

Monthly recap - lost 8 lbs - new goals

Today is two months (61 days) since I started tracking my weight, diet & exercise again. My current weight as of yesterday is 282 lbs., meaning I have lost 8 lbs. That's good. I'll take that. However, based on my goal of losing 1.5 lbs / wk, I am running behind. I should have lost 13 lbs. by now.

Hold up now! No one needs to jump all over me with t-shirt wisdom about accepting my journey or focusing on the positive of losing 8 lbs. I am very pleased to see my weight going down. And I have been walking every day and strength training at least 3x a week, and I can see positive changes in my body and in my health.

In fact, I was ecstatic to see 282 the other day because it is the lowest number I've seen in years, and I was already struggling with not seeming to be able to get below 283. I'd keep getting back down to 283 then seeing a higher number again the very next day. (Yes, I weigh myself every day, I don't care what they say about it.) I had a couple "regressions" this month -- some late night binge eating and some poor meal choices several days in a row and I actually saw my weight go back up to 290 last week, which was the trigger of one of those binge eating nights. (Also had some unwelcome stresses at work that I worked through with a pizza and a gallon of vanilla ice cream...) Then, after a couple days back on track nutritionally, and a little self control, and the scale started going the other way again. But I still kept getting hung up at or near 283, which was a weight I dropped down to very quickly right at the beginning, so it was already the bar so to speak. On weigh-in day this week I was still at that bar, 283. I was so disappointed, almost as much as the day I stepped on and saw that I was all the way back to ground zero at 290. So I weighed myself the next day, with grim expectations and instead got a jolt of happy adrenaline -- "Oh my god! 282!!" Nice. New bar set.

So I've lost 8 lbs. That's just under 1 lb. a week. That's ok. Losing 1-2 lbs. a week is the only realistic long-term pace. But I know I can do better. I can make my goal of 1.5 lbs. a week. I will be at 190 lbs. by my birthday NEXT summer. Losing 100 lbs in 15 months is possible. I will have to make up the 5 lb. deficit somewhere along the way.  It pushes my calculus up to needing to lose 1.6 lbs a week, or I might have another quick weight drop at some point. Or I could do a challenge this coming month and see if I can drop 12 lbs. That would be 2.7 lbs. a week. In those tiny increments it all looks so doable. If I stretched it over 2 months, that would be a fraction over 2 lbs. a week.

Ok that's talked through. So, let's say new goal: I will make up the 5 lb. deficit in no more than 2 months starting today. Meaning my weight by 9/20/17 should be 264 lbs. If I do it at an even pace, I should be at 273 lbs. by 8/20/17 (the day before my birthday,) which is a 10 lb. loss, or 2.25 lbs a week. I'll need to cut 1129 calories a day below my BMR to do that so.... 1935 calories a day. Ouch. But ok, I might be able to do that.

I also need to more aggressively pursue my fitness goals. Building muscle mass particularly at my age (45 next month) is the key to losing weight. Because my metabolism has changed as I get older, cutting calories and doing some cardio isn't enough. I have been backsliding a little on my strength training. The last two weeks I have gone down to every third day (two rest days) and a couple times it was every fourth day. Not good. I need to step that back up, starting today. Also because it has been disgusting hot and humid (truly it has -- 80% humidity and hazy hot sun) I have also been accepting rides home from work most days, so my walk has been cut in half. Gotta remedy that.

Alright. Time to get back on track.

July 20 - August 20 Goals:

Lose 10 lbs.: restrict calorie intake to 1935/day, lose at a consistent 2.25 lbs. per week
Walk to work every day, regardless of weather and walk home at least 3x a week
Strength training every other day, with one 2-day rest period allowed per week
Make a goal tracker for the wall at home that I check off daily

Weigh-In Wednesday -- lost 2 lbs.

Weigh-In Wednesday -- yes I know it's Friday, it's been a long week, ok?
236 lbs., lost 2 lbs., total lost overall 17 lbs.

Funny because I felt like I went way off the rails again last week. I struggled with some bad patterns still, but I stayed on plan in terms of what I actually ate, so even though I did overeat a few times and I still ate late at night a couple times, it was hummus and wasabi peas, not pizza and cheese sandwiches.

I have had to make a few adjustments to my diet again.
I have to be realistic about myself and how I want to eat.
The dramatic alterations I have made to my diet have actually led me to binge eat a few times because I was so carb-starved, I just lost control and went way overboard,

Food confession: (in case you think I'm kidding, or exaggerating about it being a binge....) one night after a few drinks and having not eaten more than a salad all day I ate 6 Jimmy Dean Sausage, Egg & Cheese Biscuits (yes, six) plus about 3/4 lb. of swiss cheese and 3/4 lb. of sliced turkey rolled up and dipped in hummus, and an entire 2 lb. package of dried mango. Then went straight to bed.

At any rate, that, along with a few other considerations has made me realize I need to re-introduce a modest amount of "bready" carbs into my diet. To that end, I have implemented the following allowances:

• Pasta, whole wheat or white, twice a week if I want them, 1 serving per time only, measured
• I like a breakfast sandwich, so I bought English muffins & sausage patties (I always have eggs & cheese already) and will allow ONE a day
• I need a carby snack at night, I just do. So I bought a box of Saltine crackers, and will allow 10-15 crackers at night, with a dip like hummus or salsa or both
• Pizza. I have decided that I may have 2 pizzas a month, any kind I want, and I will eat it all in one sitting if I feel like it

I feel like these allowances are going to help me get back on the wagon, The fact that I did them last week and still lost 2 lbs. tells me it's possible. I don't regret dramatically restricting my diet for a few weeks, it really allowed me to feel some success in the form of some dramatic weight drop, which felt really good. And it facilitated me breaking my heavy reliance on high carb foods. And it forced me to be creative in order to get enough food, which in turn led me to try new foods and new combinations of foods. It was positive, even the crash & burn a couple weeks ago ended up being positive because it led me realize I had to find a way to make it work without giving up a few things I really love. And that I really WAS going to do it, not just give up and go back to my old ways like I always have before. I'm gonna do this dammit,

Weigh-In Wednesday -- Lost 4 lbs.

234 lbs., lost 4 lbs., total lost 19 lbs. so far.

Also took my measurements, which I am doing monthly:

Bicep: 15 inches, +2 since start

Chest: 43 inches, -4 since start

Neck: 17 inches, -1 since start

Waist: 48 inches, -4 since start

Calves: 16 inches, -1 since start

Thighs: 24.5 inches, -1.5 since start

*phew* I was worried I was gonna gain weight a second week, or not lose anything. I'm very relieved to see the scale going in the right direction again.

Well, so what was different this last week?

I didn't eat late at night.
I focused on my diet, not on the weight gain from 2 weeks ago
I was a lot more active

Still didn't have an ideal week. I skipped breakfast a couple days.

I have been drinking my breakfast smoothie again, though, which I like. It really does make a difference in terms of managing my hunger and helping me to eat earlier in the day.

It's still a learning process for me to internalize that -- the more quality nutrition I take in, earlier in the day, the less hungry I am by dinner time, so it is possible to eat a sensible sized dinner and not end up eating again before bed. Also, that allows me to be able to have an evening snack that doesn't grow into a meal of junk food before I'm done eating it.

I also have to give myself permission to eat a snack if I want. I am a salty snacker, always have been and it has been hard to keep snack foods since I started WW's again. Something like Cheez-Its or Doritos is obviously not gonna happen. I can't waste my points on a "binge food" like that. (I call them binge foods because they are snacks that I will eat the entire package in a single sitting.)

Anyway, I gave myself permission to buy some "Asian chex mix," as I call it. You know, those crunchy rice crackers that are flavored with soy and come in a few different types, all mixed. They're relatively low-fat and low-calorie compared to chips or wheat crackers, and they have a little bit of fiber. And more importantly, I can eat them as a snack, a couple handfuls and I'm good. They're not a binge food.

Oh right, and I treated myself to a really awesome, well deserved indulgence last week, much higher quality in every way than the McDonald's blunder two weeks ago:

I had Pad Thai. Mm. And the whole shebang, I ordered take-out from Bangkok Thai, also had spring rolls with it. As I said, a way higher quality indulgence in every way: I love Pad Thai first of all, even now thinking about it, I am drooling a little. And they made it exactly the way I like it best, as hot as possible and a little dry in terms of the sauce. Plus, since it was take-out (as opposed to sitting in the parking lot of McDonald's gobbling down a nasty burger and some crackfries) I also brought it home, put on my comfy clothes and ate it while I watched a scary movie. I also got a large, so it turned out to be enough that I ate it for dinner and finished it as my snack later on.  It did cost more ($16 versus $6 at McDs.) and it took more time, but that is also better in a way. The whole thing was an event in and of itself. I consciously chose it as my weekly indulgence, so the fact that it took some time and planning also increased my happiness with the overall experience. Plus, I got to flirt with the gorgeous Thai boy who waited on me (I walked in and ordered it, then went strolling around the 2 stores across the parking lot while they made it.) So, yeah, for $16 I got a very awesome dinner and a nice planned indulgence, with bonus man candy.

Fantastic. It's all back on track.

Goals for next week:

• Lose at least 1 lb.
• Make sure the weekly indulgence is both planned and quality
• Eat breakfast every day

Here's some images showing my monthly progress:

Weigh-In Wednesday

236 lbs., lost 3 lbs this week, 17 lbs lost overall.

*phew*

I was a little worried after not losing any weight last week.

Made some adjustments to my diet again this week. About mid-week, I decided to stop eating bread. Also went back on plan in terms of what types of food I was eating. I did under-eat a little bit. That's so ironic, I never imagined I would have a problem not eating enough,

But I also understand myself, and I know how my body works. I took the warning to heart from Weight Watchers that I was "losing weight too fast," but I also don't mind if I drop a lot of weight really quick. I need to reset my metabolism. I know I "shocked" my body so to speak with a couple weeks of dramatic under-eating, but it has made me more able to stay on plan. I'm not carb starved all the time any more because I cut so much carbs out of my diet, I have adapted to a lower-carb diet.

It also allows me to have indulgences once in a while, for example a burger and fries, which I did have last week. Two weeks ago when I didn't lose any weight, I had been eating a handful of fries every day. One of the take-aways from that week was, "OK, the all day grazing has to stop. If I'm gonna have french fries, I just gonna have them, with a meal and get it over with."

This week I have really been craving a pizza. I might have to let that be my freebie this week.

It feels good to be back on track.

Goals for next week:

• lose at least 1 lb.
• really get a handle on the no bread thing
• work out at least 3 days

Weigh-In Wednesday - Lost 3 lbs, 14 lbs. total

239, lost 3 lbs., 14 lbs total lost.
Also took my measurements, which I am tracking monthly:

• Upper Arm: 15 inches, gained 2 inches around my bicep
• that's good, it means the free weights are working
• Chest: 44 inches, lost 3 inches around my chest - excellent!
• Neck: 17.5, lost 1/2 an inch around my neck
• that is good, but I knew it was going to be a small result; I tried on my one-time favorite, every-day worn necklace that used to rest in the hollow of my throat and it was almost like a choker. LOL I thought, "Oh damn, still got some work to do..."
• Waist: 50.5, lost 1.5 inches around my belly -- awesome!
• Calves: 16 inches, lost 1 inch
• my activity level has increased, so I guess my calves were fat.
• Thigh: 25 inches, lost 1 inch off my thighs
• BMI: 31.5, still too high, but that is a 1.9% LOSS, down from 33.4

So, the observation I've been making lately is actually true. I've been noticing that my pants don't ride down as bad the last week or so. My belly is so big it pushes them down unless I cinch my belt until it's painful. I used to do that, but I can't any more. Anyway, the last few days I've noticed a marked drop in how often I have to hitch up my pants, and after I use the bathroom and re-set my wardrobe, I noticed it stays fixed for longer, easier. 

I'm very pleased with that. I hate fidgeting with my clothes all the time. It makes me self-conscious.

Also, reached an awesome Milestone with Weight Watchers, my 5% weight goal, meaning I have lost 5% of my starting weight. 

The reason that screen shot is cropped so high is because I want to celebrate my weight loss and my happiness at the success. However, there was also a warning that I am "losing weight too fast." Weight Watchers doesn't want you to lose more than 2 lbs. / week, and my average is 3.5 lbs a week.

I did go under plan a couple days last week, only ate about half of my points. And I was very hungry the following day both times because of it. However, even that feels kinda good: I have to eat more because my weigh loss is too dramatic. 

Not smoking cigarettes is also going very well. This Friday, October 10th will be 28 days, and I will be moving on to Step 3 with the nicotine patches. 2 more weeks wearing a lower does patch, and then I am technically done with them. At this time, I am feeling I don't care if I wear a nicotine patch the rest of my life, I'm not gonna smoke cigarettes. 

However, it is also getting easier and easier every day. My lifestyle routines are really adapted to not smoking. I am still using my e-cig a little bit. I am going through 1 disposable a week, which is about the equivalent of 1 pack of cigarettes in terms of how long they last. I don't use it at all in the morning, don't even think of it, except as something that has to go in my pocket because I want to use it at the end of my work day. 

I am going to try to go off the patch obviously. But, I might keep some in the house in case I freak out and start considering actually smoking. That's more than 2 weeks away anyway. My body memory of smoking cigarettes is going away really fast, it will be very diminished by then.

I am also feeling like a million bucks. I've got more energy. My house is cleaner. I'm taking better care of my body. I am starting to look forward to exercising instead of it feeling like a chore. I'm so pleased with all of it, I am starting to trust that I am making a lifelong change. It's still all a work in progress, but I'm enjoying doing it.

Goals for next week:

• Stay on plan, including eating enough (oddly enough... LOL)
• Keep working on my physical environment
• I didn't realize how disgusting my house was and I'm busy, so it's taking some time
• Work out 5 days

Weigh-In Wednesday - Lost 3 lbs.

Sweet,
242 lbs., lost 3 lbs., overall lost 11 lbs. so far.

I just caught myself, arms crossed, looking out the window and nodding to myself, "It's working."

It is totally working. I have always been shocked by the cause and effect in my life, I'm not sure why. But especially when it's my own behavior, I'm always like, "OH! Duh...." Like right now. I changed my diet for real, not just for a day or two, and there is a resultant change in me. Huh.. who knew? LOL

I'm really pleased to see this result, because I felt like I went off the wagon a couple times this week. Truthfully though, I ate a cheese burger and fries one time, which is normal, right? Once a week you treat yourself to some meal like that.

So-so on my goals for the week: I did eat breakfast every day, but I only worked out twice (goal is 5 times a week.)

So goals for next week:

• I wanna try one completely new meal this week, something I've never thought of before
• Work out 5 days

I lost 6 lbs. Weigh-In Wednesday

Weigh-In Wednesday, 9/17/2014, Week 1

Weight 247 lbs.

I lost 6 lbs this week. That is awesome.

Still not smoking cigarettes, it's getting easier every day.

Weight Watchers is going really well. I find it really does help me. Their system is awesome because there's no forbidden foods, and some of my favorite foods are 0-point foods, so you're not hungry. You don't have to starve yourself. If you're hungry you can eat something.

And using their online tracking and goal setting tools is really great for me. It helps me to actually see what I ate and what it's impact on my overall nutrition was, and that helps me see where I can make healthier choices and still eat the meals I like. Plus, you also see the direct effect of exercise. Pretty much you get 1 point for every 5 minutes you work out or do cardio or any kind of active exercising. (Well, I think you get 2 pts for running.... yeah not yet.) Anyway, you literally see where your activity level is helping you.

Anyway, ok enough with the Weight Watchers commercial. LOL

Some ups and downs this week. I had a couple days where I really went over my points for the day, but I managed to stay on my weekly points overall. Still, a little lesson from that. It was my first week back on the program after all. And I still lost 6 lbs.

A few things I know made a difference for sure. I did not have homefries or french fries even once this week with my meals at work. I didn't drink. And, I cooked all of my at-home meals at home (didn't eat out or buy premade meals.)

I changed up a few of my work meals so I can still have them but they are better for me.

• switched to veggie sausage and cheddar on the eggwich
• no homefries / french fries / chips
• no cheeseburgers
• if I ordered a sandwich, I had it as a wrap, it's half the points

Not smoking:

My sense of smell is back, didn't realize I couldn't smell things before.
No more wheezing at night.
Still having coughing fits where I'm hacking up gross shit.
My lungs feel better, I can actually feel them feeling better.

My voice is coming back a little, still waiting on that one. Last time I quit smoking I remember all of a sudden having to clear my throat like 30 times in a row and afterward my voice sounded different to me for a day or so until I got used to it. And I noticed my singing voice came back very noticeably. I remember singing along to the radio in the car and being like, "OMG, I can hit that note again." So anyway, I'm looking forward to that this time.

Not smoking during the day at all at work, I don't think about it much even. I'm still using the e-cig in the car and at home a little. Still don't care about that. I'm really happy to be done with cigarettes. I had a landmark moment with it where I got in the car at the end of the day and was like, "Holy shit, I don't have to go to the store. I can just go right home."

I'm really surprised at how little I think about cigarettes. Even when I quit back in 2010 with the patch, like this time, I thought about smoking all the time. Now, I really don't think about it all day at work. I do go outside one time at the very end of the day with my e-cig. So I guess technically I am still "smoking." I don't care about that, I just want to be done with cigarettes. I barely use the e-cig too, I find myself holding it more that smoking it.

Didn't really exercise this week. I will change that today. I got my stepper out, it is sitting in the middle of the living room.

It feels good to be back on the wagon.