Weigh-In Wednesday -- lost 2 lbs.

Weigh-In Wednesday -- yes I know it's Friday, it's been a long week, ok?
236 lbs., lost 2 lbs., total lost overall 17 lbs.

Funny because I felt like I went way off the rails again last week. I struggled with some bad patterns still, but I stayed on plan in terms of what I actually ate, so even though I did overeat a few times and I still ate late at night a couple times, it was hummus and wasabi peas, not pizza and cheese sandwiches.

I have had to make a few adjustments to my diet again.
I have to be realistic about myself and how I want to eat.
The dramatic alterations I have made to my diet have actually led me to binge eat a few times because I was so carb-starved, I just lost control and went way overboard,

Food confession: (in case you think I'm kidding, or exaggerating about it being a binge....) one night after a few drinks and having not eaten more than a salad all day I ate 6 Jimmy Dean Sausage, Egg & Cheese Biscuits (yes, six) plus about 3/4 lb. of swiss cheese and 3/4 lb. of sliced turkey rolled up and dipped in hummus, and an entire 2 lb. package of dried mango. Then went straight to bed.

At any rate, that, along with a few other considerations has made me realize I need to re-introduce a modest amount of "bready" carbs into my diet. To that end, I have implemented the following allowances:

• Pasta, whole wheat or white, twice a week if I want them, 1 serving per time only, measured
• I like a breakfast sandwich, so I bought English muffins & sausage patties (I always have eggs & cheese already) and will allow ONE a day
• I need a carby snack at night, I just do. So I bought a box of Saltine crackers, and will allow 10-15 crackers at night, with a dip like hummus or salsa or both
• Pizza. I have decided that I may have 2 pizzas a month, any kind I want, and I will eat it all in one sitting if I feel like it

I feel like these allowances are going to help me get back on the wagon, The fact that I did them last week and still lost 2 lbs. tells me it's possible. I don't regret dramatically restricting my diet for a few weeks, it really allowed me to feel some success in the form of some dramatic weight drop, which felt really good. And it facilitated me breaking my heavy reliance on high carb foods. And it forced me to be creative in order to get enough food, which in turn led me to try new foods and new combinations of foods. It was positive, even the crash & burn a couple weeks ago ended up being positive because it led me realize I had to find a way to make it work without giving up a few things I really love. And that I really WAS going to do it, not just give up and go back to my old ways like I always have before. I'm gonna do this dammit,

Weigh-In Wednedsay -- gained back the 4 lbs I lost

238, GAINED 4 lbs., total lost overall, 15 lbs.

Yep, so I gained back the 4 lbs. I lost last week.

Pretty much knew it was gonna happen. I had a major off-the-rails last week.

I ate a pizza. I ate a greasy, grilled sandwich with fries and a side of mayo at work. And I had Pad Thai, twice. And I ate at night a bunch of times. I ate a whole bunch of bread.

After the patty melt & fries, I said to myself, "If I gain weight this week, I deserve it."

It sucks, I'm disappointed in myself.

I also didn't track my food last week except one day. I didn't eat enough vegetables. Nothing.

Not much to analyze here. I went off plan. Way off. And there were clear consequences.

Starting now, back on plan. No more yo-yo.

Weigh-In Wednesday -- Lost 4 lbs.

234 lbs., lost 4 lbs., total lost 19 lbs. so far.

Also took my measurements, which I am doing monthly:

Bicep: 15 inches, +2 since start

Chest: 43 inches, -4 since start

Neck: 17 inches, -1 since start

Waist: 48 inches, -4 since start

Calves: 16 inches, -1 since start

Thighs: 24.5 inches, -1.5 since start

*phew* I was worried I was gonna gain weight a second week, or not lose anything. I'm very relieved to see the scale going in the right direction again.

Well, so what was different this last week?

I didn't eat late at night.
I focused on my diet, not on the weight gain from 2 weeks ago
I was a lot more active

Still didn't have an ideal week. I skipped breakfast a couple days.

I have been drinking my breakfast smoothie again, though, which I like. It really does make a difference in terms of managing my hunger and helping me to eat earlier in the day.

It's still a learning process for me to internalize that -- the more quality nutrition I take in, earlier in the day, the less hungry I am by dinner time, so it is possible to eat a sensible sized dinner and not end up eating again before bed. Also, that allows me to be able to have an evening snack that doesn't grow into a meal of junk food before I'm done eating it.

I also have to give myself permission to eat a snack if I want. I am a salty snacker, always have been and it has been hard to keep snack foods since I started WW's again. Something like Cheez-Its or Doritos is obviously not gonna happen. I can't waste my points on a "binge food" like that. (I call them binge foods because they are snacks that I will eat the entire package in a single sitting.)

Anyway, I gave myself permission to buy some "Asian chex mix," as I call it. You know, those crunchy rice crackers that are flavored with soy and come in a few different types, all mixed. They're relatively low-fat and low-calorie compared to chips or wheat crackers, and they have a little bit of fiber. And more importantly, I can eat them as a snack, a couple handfuls and I'm good. They're not a binge food.

Oh right, and I treated myself to a really awesome, well deserved indulgence last week, much higher quality in every way than the McDonald's blunder two weeks ago:

I had Pad Thai. Mm. And the whole shebang, I ordered take-out from Bangkok Thai, also had spring rolls with it. As I said, a way higher quality indulgence in every way: I love Pad Thai first of all, even now thinking about it, I am drooling a little. And they made it exactly the way I like it best, as hot as possible and a little dry in terms of the sauce. Plus, since it was take-out (as opposed to sitting in the parking lot of McDonald's gobbling down a nasty burger and some crackfries) I also brought it home, put on my comfy clothes and ate it while I watched a scary movie. I also got a large, so it turned out to be enough that I ate it for dinner and finished it as my snack later on.  It did cost more ($16 versus $6 at McDs.) and it took more time, but that is also better in a way. The whole thing was an event in and of itself. I consciously chose it as my weekly indulgence, so the fact that it took some time and planning also increased my happiness with the overall experience. Plus, I got to flirt with the gorgeous Thai boy who waited on me (I walked in and ordered it, then went strolling around the 2 stores across the parking lot while they made it.) So, yeah, for $16 I got a very awesome dinner and a nice planned indulgence, with bonus man candy.

Fantastic. It's all back on track.

Goals for next week:

• Lose at least 1 lb.
• Make sure the weekly indulgence is both planned and quality
• Eat breakfast every day

Here's some images showing my monthly progress:

Weigh-In Wednesday -- ouch, I gained 2 lbs

238. GAINED 2 lbs. this week, 15 lbs. lost overall.

Dammit. I gained weight. I got on the scale like 10 times before I was willing to accept it. haha.

I really did go off the rails this last week. I think I was testing myself to see how far I could push the limits of what is considered "on-plan." Here's what I found:

I stayed on plan in terms of my points, but I ate badly and in unhealthy patterns. I skipped breakfast a few times. I also ate pasta. And McDonald's (yesterday.) And I ate late at night a few times. So pretty much my old eating pattern, in spite of staying on my points.

There is a positive side to this. I was a lot more active this week. And I did really well with not eating bread -- the Quarter Pounder yesterday being the exception. I know that my body will freak out and hold onto fat when I make a major change in my diet, and stopping bread is definitely a big one.

I don't feel guilty about McDonald's. I consciously gave myself permission to eat there. I have not eaten McDonald's since I started WW's, and had not for a while beforehand. It was getting way out of control where I was eating at least one large meal there several times a week and sometimes on my day off I would go drive thru and get a huge bag of McCrack and go home and eat it all. I mean a big bag, like.... ok, confession time: 3 McDoubles, 3 McChickens, a 20-piece McNugget, large fries, and a large Coke; I didn't even make the pretense of getting Diet Coke. SO -- yesterday, having a quarter pounder, small fries and a Coke Zero was really a much more appropriate indulgence.

In fact, I probably put in that two pounds yesterday. I also ate birthday cake. It was my mom's birthday.

So the math goes like this:

Skip Breakfast + McDonald's For Lunch + Birthday Cake = 2 lbs.

Goals for next week:

• Lose at least 1 lb.
• Stick to the Good Health Guidelines 
• Let go of the failure and focus on moving forward

Weigh-In Wednesday

236 lbs., lost 3 lbs this week, 17 lbs lost overall.

*phew*

I was a little worried after not losing any weight last week.

Made some adjustments to my diet again this week. About mid-week, I decided to stop eating bread. Also went back on plan in terms of what types of food I was eating. I did under-eat a little bit. That's so ironic, I never imagined I would have a problem not eating enough,

But I also understand myself, and I know how my body works. I took the warning to heart from Weight Watchers that I was "losing weight too fast," but I also don't mind if I drop a lot of weight really quick. I need to reset my metabolism. I know I "shocked" my body so to speak with a couple weeks of dramatic under-eating, but it has made me more able to stay on plan. I'm not carb starved all the time any more because I cut so much carbs out of my diet, I have adapted to a lower-carb diet.

It also allows me to have indulgences once in a while, for example a burger and fries, which I did have last week. Two weeks ago when I didn't lose any weight, I had been eating a handful of fries every day. One of the take-aways from that week was, "OK, the all day grazing has to stop. If I'm gonna have french fries, I just gonna have them, with a meal and get it over with."

This week I have really been craving a pizza. I might have to let that be my freebie this week.

It feels good to be back on track.

Goals for next week:

• lose at least 1 lb.
• really get a handle on the no bread thing
• work out at least 3 days

Weigh-In Wednesday

A day late. I was hiding from the Internet yesterday. Still am today. I am going to share this post to FB and disappear again. But it's part of my overall strategy to keep up on this blog, so here ya go.

Anyway, 239 lbs., 14 lbs. lost so far.

I did not lose any weight this past week.

I am disappointed, but I was also kind of expecting it. WW's did warn me that I was losing weight too fast, and two weeks ago I really did go way under plan and it caused me to be really hungry for days after.

Anyway, what did I learn this week?

• Stay on plan, not under
• Eat more, earlier in the day
• I didn't eat enough vegetables last week
• I ate french fries
• if I'm gonna have fries, I should just have them once, with a meal, not the all-week grazing I did this past week. Oops, it was a bad slip

Technically, I lost 2/10th of a pound. I have a digital scale, but I am tracking my weight in whole pounds. Two weeks ago I was 239.6 and this Wednesday, I was 239.4. LOL Hey, it's something.

Goals for next week:

• Lose at least 1 lb.
• Eat more vegetables, every day
• Eat more, earlier in the day
• Go for a walk

OK, Weight Watcher's warned me...

BLAH. OMG.

OK, so last Wednesday I got a warning message from Weight Watchers that I am loosing weight too fast. At the time, I was all, Whatever, sure I've been going way below my points once in a while, but it will level out.

Sure as hell is "leveling out." Here's what leveling out looks like:

So, I knew I wasn't eating enough. Still continued not eating enough.

Yesterday, I was so hungry I ate almost double my daily points, the equivalent of 5 full meals, like I used to eat every day. I couldn't help it, I was literally starving, I know how my body feels when it starts to go into calorie deficit and it's gonna get some food, period.

Whatever, I gave myself permission to eat all day yesterday. For real, the week prior, I literally ate half what my body is accustomed to, way too little food. As I said in the last post, 3 days I went down to like 50% of my daily points. That's pretty dramatic.

Anyway, this leads us to today. Today, I have uncomfortable gas, I feel bloated and groggy, and I have had to shit like 6 times. In spite of this, I have also been "hungry" all day, even though my belly is full. Oi. So, I stretched my stomach out with all that food. Gotta curb cravings now....... *headdesk*

Tomorrow, we may be leveled out. More likely Tuesday before I feel adjusted again.

I'll learn someday.

Cut your sandwiches in half

I've been cutting my sandwiches in half again. I've found it psychologically creates two sandwiches, without increasing the portion. It is working quite well. I've found it helps me to only eat one instead of two.

Weigh-In Wednesday - Lost 3 lbs, 14 lbs. total

239, lost 3 lbs., 14 lbs total lost.
Also took my measurements, which I am tracking monthly:

• Upper Arm: 15 inches, gained 2 inches around my bicep
• that's good, it means the free weights are working
• Chest: 44 inches, lost 3 inches around my chest - excellent!
• Neck: 17.5, lost 1/2 an inch around my neck
• that is good, but I knew it was going to be a small result; I tried on my one-time favorite, every-day worn necklace that used to rest in the hollow of my throat and it was almost like a choker. LOL I thought, "Oh damn, still got some work to do..."
• Waist: 50.5, lost 1.5 inches around my belly -- awesome!
• Calves: 16 inches, lost 1 inch
• my activity level has increased, so I guess my calves were fat.
• Thigh: 25 inches, lost 1 inch off my thighs
• BMI: 31.5, still too high, but that is a 1.9% LOSS, down from 33.4

So, the observation I've been making lately is actually true. I've been noticing that my pants don't ride down as bad the last week or so. My belly is so big it pushes them down unless I cinch my belt until it's painful. I used to do that, but I can't any more. Anyway, the last few days I've noticed a marked drop in how often I have to hitch up my pants, and after I use the bathroom and re-set my wardrobe, I noticed it stays fixed for longer, easier. 

I'm very pleased with that. I hate fidgeting with my clothes all the time. It makes me self-conscious.

Also, reached an awesome Milestone with Weight Watchers, my 5% weight goal, meaning I have lost 5% of my starting weight. 

The reason that screen shot is cropped so high is because I want to celebrate my weight loss and my happiness at the success. However, there was also a warning that I am "losing weight too fast." Weight Watchers doesn't want you to lose more than 2 lbs. / week, and my average is 3.5 lbs a week.

I did go under plan a couple days last week, only ate about half of my points. And I was very hungry the following day both times because of it. However, even that feels kinda good: I have to eat more because my weigh loss is too dramatic. 

Not smoking cigarettes is also going very well. This Friday, October 10th will be 28 days, and I will be moving on to Step 3 with the nicotine patches. 2 more weeks wearing a lower does patch, and then I am technically done with them. At this time, I am feeling I don't care if I wear a nicotine patch the rest of my life, I'm not gonna smoke cigarettes. 

However, it is also getting easier and easier every day. My lifestyle routines are really adapted to not smoking. I am still using my e-cig a little bit. I am going through 1 disposable a week, which is about the equivalent of 1 pack of cigarettes in terms of how long they last. I don't use it at all in the morning, don't even think of it, except as something that has to go in my pocket because I want to use it at the end of my work day. 

I am going to try to go off the patch obviously. But, I might keep some in the house in case I freak out and start considering actually smoking. That's more than 2 weeks away anyway. My body memory of smoking cigarettes is going away really fast, it will be very diminished by then.

I am also feeling like a million bucks. I've got more energy. My house is cleaner. I'm taking better care of my body. I am starting to look forward to exercising instead of it feeling like a chore. I'm so pleased with all of it, I am starting to trust that I am making a lifelong change. It's still all a work in progress, but I'm enjoying doing it.

Goals for next week:

• Stay on plan, including eating enough (oddly enough... LOL)
• Keep working on my physical environment
• I didn't realize how disgusting my house was and I'm busy, so it's taking some time
• Work out 5 days

Weigh-In Wednesday - Lost 3 lbs.

Sweet,
242 lbs., lost 3 lbs., overall lost 11 lbs. so far.

I just caught myself, arms crossed, looking out the window and nodding to myself, "It's working."

It is totally working. I have always been shocked by the cause and effect in my life, I'm not sure why. But especially when it's my own behavior, I'm always like, "OH! Duh...." Like right now. I changed my diet for real, not just for a day or two, and there is a resultant change in me. Huh.. who knew? LOL

I'm really pleased to see this result, because I felt like I went off the wagon a couple times this week. Truthfully though, I ate a cheese burger and fries one time, which is normal, right? Once a week you treat yourself to some meal like that.

So-so on my goals for the week: I did eat breakfast every day, but I only worked out twice (goal is 5 times a week.)

So goals for next week:

• I wanna try one completely new meal this week, something I've never thought of before
• Work out 5 days

Weigh In Wednesday

245. I lost 2 lbs. this week.  Lost 8 lbs. total so far.

Had a couple days where I still went over my points. I stayed inside my weekly target though. However, it does matter that I went over daily.

Made some more adjustments to my diet:

• Started eating gluten free bread at work
• turns out gluten free bread is not gross
• Switched to Sprouted Grain bread at home
• Switched to low-fat Swiss cheese

I only worked out 2 days. Gotta work on that. I might add it as a goal on my WW online tracker. (Doing it now....)

OK, did it. But had to set it up on SparkPeople account, which is fine. They are more fitness oriented than Weight Watcher which is mainly focused on nutrition. 

Not smoking cigarettes is going swimmingly. I've noticed a few of my smoking cues are going away, which is awesome. I don't even look around for my e-cig when I take the dogs out. No problems in the car. Clearly it is not over yet, but I'm winning.

Have not smoked for 12 days.

Backpedaled on drinking a little. No drinking on work nights. That's going fine. Not drinking as much either. I drank 3 beers last night.

Overall, I'm happy about my results last week. I was a little disappointed to only lose 2 lbs. after losing 6 my first week.  But it makes me want to try harder this week. 

Goals for this week:

• Work out at least 5 days
• Eat breakfast every day
• I still sometimes don't eat breakfast on my days off, so gotta get that one zipped
• Continue the micro-adjustments to my nutritional plan

I lost 6 lbs. Weigh-In Wednesday

Weigh-In Wednesday, 9/17/2014, Week 1

Weight 247 lbs.

I lost 6 lbs this week. That is awesome.

Still not smoking cigarettes, it's getting easier every day.

Weight Watchers is going really well. I find it really does help me. Their system is awesome because there's no forbidden foods, and some of my favorite foods are 0-point foods, so you're not hungry. You don't have to starve yourself. If you're hungry you can eat something.

And using their online tracking and goal setting tools is really great for me. It helps me to actually see what I ate and what it's impact on my overall nutrition was, and that helps me see where I can make healthier choices and still eat the meals I like. Plus, you also see the direct effect of exercise. Pretty much you get 1 point for every 5 minutes you work out or do cardio or any kind of active exercising. (Well, I think you get 2 pts for running.... yeah not yet.) Anyway, you literally see where your activity level is helping you.

Anyway, ok enough with the Weight Watchers commercial. LOL

Some ups and downs this week. I had a couple days where I really went over my points for the day, but I managed to stay on my weekly points overall. Still, a little lesson from that. It was my first week back on the program after all. And I still lost 6 lbs.

A few things I know made a difference for sure. I did not have homefries or french fries even once this week with my meals at work. I didn't drink. And, I cooked all of my at-home meals at home (didn't eat out or buy premade meals.)

I changed up a few of my work meals so I can still have them but they are better for me.

• switched to veggie sausage and cheddar on the eggwich
• no homefries / french fries / chips
• no cheeseburgers
• if I ordered a sandwich, I had it as a wrap, it's half the points

Not smoking:

My sense of smell is back, didn't realize I couldn't smell things before.
No more wheezing at night.
Still having coughing fits where I'm hacking up gross shit.
My lungs feel better, I can actually feel them feeling better.

My voice is coming back a little, still waiting on that one. Last time I quit smoking I remember all of a sudden having to clear my throat like 30 times in a row and afterward my voice sounded different to me for a day or so until I got used to it. And I noticed my singing voice came back very noticeably. I remember singing along to the radio in the car and being like, "OMG, I can hit that note again." So anyway, I'm looking forward to that this time.

Not smoking during the day at all at work, I don't think about it much even. I'm still using the e-cig in the car and at home a little. Still don't care about that. I'm really happy to be done with cigarettes. I had a landmark moment with it where I got in the car at the end of the day and was like, "Holy shit, I don't have to go to the store. I can just go right home."

I'm really surprised at how little I think about cigarettes. Even when I quit back in 2010 with the patch, like this time, I thought about smoking all the time. Now, I really don't think about it all day at work. I do go outside one time at the very end of the day with my e-cig. So I guess technically I am still "smoking." I don't care about that, I just want to be done with cigarettes. I barely use the e-cig too, I find myself holding it more that smoking it.

Didn't really exercise this week. I will change that today. I got my stepper out, it is sitting in the middle of the living room.

It feels good to be back on the wagon.

No Smoking Cigarettes Day 2

I can say overall I am a lot more testy and irritated by things today.

No problem at work again. Didn't even think about smoking most of the day. VERY end of the day I could feel myself getting really cranky though, and it was getting hard to control. At the very, very last of the day, I went outside with a co-worker and got my e-cig out of the car and sat with it (and her) for about 10 minutes.

Whatever. I made it through. Jury's still out on the e-cig. Also whatever, right now.

Not Smoking Day 1

First day not smoking went surprisingly well. I'm wearing a nicotine patch, so of course it wasn't horrible. Truthfully, barely thought about smoking once I got to work. Kept busy all day. 

It was very hard NOT pulling out a cigarette first thing this morning though. It was the first thing I thought when I woke up, "Oh god, really? Am I really gonna quit today?" I have a few cigarettes still in the pack from yesterday, plus a whole unopened pack. I could literally feel my hand reaching for them when I was rounding up the dogs to go outside. 

At that point I wasn't wearing the patch yet. I wanted to wait until after I took a shower to put it on. It was just that instinct to grab a smoke while I've got the dogs out. It's a good timer, too. 

Once I put the patch on, the cravings went away completely. It was just the habits that kept hitching me up. Putting a piece of gum in my mouth every time I get in the car helps. 

I did grab my e-cig on the way out of the house and threw it in the car with me. I puffed on it like 2 times in the car, left it there all day. Then on the way home a little and now that I am at home. But I find I'm mostly holding it, or hanging onto it with my teeth (it is too heavy to hold it like a regular cig on your lips.)

I don't know about the e-cig overall. But at this point whatever keeps me from buying a pack of cigarettes is fine. And the e-cig really is not the same. It doesn't feel like anything in my lungs the smoke is just vapor. Doesn't make me cough. I'll probably try leaving it at home tomorrow, cut out the car stuff altogether. 

At any rate, it went really well overall. I feel like the last 2 times I quit were practice. I keep remembering the stuff that worked and didn't work before. And the side effects. The patch is 21mg but that is only about 2/3 of what is in a pack of cigarettes, so there is still withdrawal. And the e-cig too is a much lower dose of nicotine. (Which is why I couldn't quit with the e-cig alone last year.)

Major Wake-Up Calls -- I'm Back

So, it's been about a year since I fell off the wagon.

Had quite a few wakeup calls lately.

First off, I'm getting too fat for my clothes. And I threw away all my "fat clothes" 3 years ago when I was down to 185 lbs. A good half of my dress shirts don't fit me, and some of my t-shirts and polos are getting to where my belly hangs out of them unless I wear a t-shirt under, tucked in. I've also noticed I'm starting to have trouble with my knees again, which is a sure sign I am packing on the weight. I've gained most of it in my belly, although my double chin is coming back too.

I weigh 253 lbs. as of yesterday. It's bad. My BMI 33.4.
14 months ago when I was at my best in terms of being on track, I was back down to 226 and 29.8 BMI, so I've put on 27 lbs. and added 3.6 points to my BMI. Meaning, I've been steadily gaining 2 lbs. a month. Overall, from my lowest adult weight in the spring of 2011, of 185 lbs. / 24.4 BMI, I've gained back 68 lbs.

Smoking...

I am quitting smoking tomorrow. I don't know why the hell I ever started again. I quit for 4 months in 2010, seriously why did I ever pick up a cigarette again?? I woke up last night in the middle of the night because I was wheezing so loud it woke me up. Today I will go get some nicotine patches. Tomorrow I will put one on when I wake up. Today is my last day as a smoker forever. I'm quitting for good this time. It will be the 3rd serious try.

... and drinking.

It is no coincidence that my serious weight gain directly correlates to the fact that my drinking has stepped back up to Good Old Days Levels almost. And the more I drink, the more I progressively give myself permission to -- meaning, the less and less I care about it. BUT, it isn't the Good Old Days any more, and I'm 42, and fat, and I smoke. Drinking takes a much heavier toll on me than it did back in the day.

In truth, I am considering going to an AA meeting. I don't want to drink any more. If I could just drink a beer or a glass of wine after dinner that would be fine. But I don't drink just one. I get drunk every time I drink. It's been very hard for me to consider even admitting I might have a problem. But yeah... the drinking is definitely facilitating my weight gain, and it makes me feel shitty, gives me problems sleeping, you name it. It's time to get that part of my life over with.

Today I re-joined Weight Watchers Online, and it was quite a wakeup call of its own. I went to the food tracker and entered a hypothetical day -- a typical day for me. And I found I was using ALL my points for the entire week, including DOUBLE the "indulgence free points" they give you, in one day. It really opened my eyes to how far off my nutrition plan I've fallen. It's not how much I'm eating, it's WHAT I eat.

So, I'm back on the diet. I hate the word diet, but I'm back. My nutrition plan just got yanked back into place.

What makes me so aware of all this all of a sudden?

I'll tell you:

My mother has been in the hospital for 8 weeks this coming Sunday. It's the longest she has ever been in, and she is very sick. She is sicker than when she had bypass surgery. Her diabetes is worsening. She had another heart attack and then another minor one since being in the hospital. She is so weak she can't adjust her own position in the recliner she is in. She can't go to the bathroom without assistance, including someone cleaning her afterward. She is on oxygen and nebulizer treatments. And she is so fat she can't get comfortable. She is 14 inches shorter than me, but weight 30 lbs. more than me. I don't have any idea how long she will have to be hospitalized and at this point the goal is to get her well enough to go to a nursing home. Yes, a nursing home -- my mother is only 62.

THAT IS NOT HAPPENING TO ME

Diabetes and obesity killed my grandfather too. That should have been a wakeup call. But seeing my mother that way really has been. In terms of my habits and eating patterns and lack of exercise and weight gain as I get older, I am living the EXACT lifestyle that brought all of this on my mother. I cannot let that happen to me. It is not too late, yet. 

Anyway, I'm going to start writing in the blog again. I hope you all will still follow me.