Monthly Goals Report July - Aug

July 20 - August 20, 2017

So here's the short of it:
Weight 278, meaning I lost 4 lbs., and 12 lbs since restarting. We're going with "that's good," in spite of it being only 40% of goal. Other measurements are pretty encouraging: lost an inch around my thigh, and half an inch around my neck, and gained an inch around my bicep. Here's the graphic:

My goals for this month were:

• Lose 10 lbs (nope, lost 4, which would be under goal for a normal month... it's ok... I lost weight...)
• Eat 2000 or less calories a day (adjusted up from 1930) -- did this 25 out of 32 days, and only went seriously over (2650 calories) 1 time
• Walk to work every day -- nailed it, plus walked home a few times and went hiking, etc.
• Track my calories daily / write down every single thing I ate -- nailed it
• Strength train every other day with no more than one 2-day rest period a week -- nailed it, until last week when I fell WAY off the wagon, have only worked out once since last Thu

Soooooooooooo.........

OK, the good: I lost weight. Not only did I lose weight, but I seem to have broken through the 280-boundary that I was feeling stuck at. Just don't sabotage that and I'll be on track to keep losing. When I was first trying to lose and track my weight a couple years ago I was at 245 and feeling like I could never get back down to my goal weight (190) with so far to go. Now, I keep remembering, "OK, I can be smaller. I weighed 245 three years ago. I weighed 195 six years ago. I can get back there." Oddly enough I have one co-worker who keeps reminding me (and she didn't know me back then, which makes it even stranger, but more encouraging in a way) "It didn't all go on in a month, it isn't gonna come off that fast, either."

More good: I am very pleased to see that I have lost an inch off my thigh, and half an inch off my neck, and that I gained a whole inch around my bicep. Even though my belly and waist aren't much smaller (my pants still fit the same) I now see empirically that I am in fact losing body fat, and gaining muscle.

I hate to use an already overused cliche, but overall I am getting the feeling I need to "lean in" to this a little more. I made the broad-strokes changes, and after 3 months of tracking and learning from it, I think I see now where I can put more focus without screwing it up. Calories and fitness, of course.

I need to restrict my daily calories a little tighter without decreasing my food volume. If I feel hungry, I'm going to eat, that's all there is to it. I need to find some places to replace fat and carbs with fiber or protein. I was been causally / anecdotally testing the waters to see if I can get 50% of my calories from plant-based food, and I think I can do it... I might try that for the Aug - Sept month and see what happens.

I also need to work out a little more. I've adapted 100% to walking to work, it never occurs to me to take the car any more. (We'll see what happens the first time I wake up to 2 feet of snow...) And I'm doing ok on strength training, but I think I need to add a little more full-body exercise to my routine, make it a little longer, just do a little more. I'm not sure what. My current fitness routine developed organically, so I'm going to let this next step do the same. Goal for the Aug - Sept month will be to increase my workout time overall to 30 min, and include some new element, maybe HIT or maybe I'll give yoga another whirl (I hated it before, so..... that either means it's totally the right thing, or I was right and yoga is stupid... not sure which.)

I had a couple times this month that I was very discouraged and felt that familiar feeling like I was about to throw in the towel. Particularly when I just kept yo-yo-ing back up above 280, I just wanted to say fuck it and go bury myself in a pile of fried food and eat my way back to the surface with a side of mayo. But, I didn't. I'm not even sure how truthfully, other than every time it happened, that voice in my head would say, "No, this is not the end of the road. You are not going to quit. Giving up now means that other voice is right, and you really are fat and a failure." And somewhere I found the conviction to just move on from setbacks. I realize now that just because I don't make my monthly goal is not a reason to quit -- then I won't make any more goals. I hate failure. But I'm not going to allow it to make me turn back any more. Push through adversity. Be the boss I act like I am.

And remember the wins. I've lost 12 lbs. so far. I've lost an inch off my thigh and and half an inch off my neck and my muscles are getting bigger. My cardio conditioning is coming back really well, and I can tell I am getting stronger. I'm sleeping better and I'm in a better mood. I haven't had what I would classify as a binge in over a month, and my preference for healthy foods is increasing. I had a funny proof of that the other day -- I said, "I want Ranch dressing on my salad today, I'm gonna have it." And then, it tasted gross to me. So, there is positive stuff happening, I just need to keep working at it.

Food triggers and binge eating

So in this post I said, "After two months of monitoring this, ruminating on it, Googling it, and generally letting it settle into my brain I have been forced to accept that simply saying that late night eating is my real problem is not sufficient to addressing it -- I have to actually not eat."

As they say, acknowledging a problem is the first step. Not the step, right? There's more to it. Next is addressing it. So, let's address my binge eating at night.

Let's start with a confession: I can easily consume 3 or 4 times as much food as a regular person.

Here's some binge eating I regularly do:

• When I make a meal, especially pasta, I will eat the equivalent of a whole meal out of the pan as I am preparing it, so that I can also eat a semi-large "meal" and make it look like I am eating normally.
• Sometimes I will make myself two cheese and mayo sandwiches as a "snack" and eat them both in 3 or 4 bites each. (Note that is like a 1000 calories in 3 minutes.)
• Sometimes I eat so fast that food packs down into my throat because my esophagus can't get it into my stomach as fast as I'm swallowing it -- I'll have to stop and guzzle water to flush the food into my stomach so I can keep eating.
• If I am really, really hungry when I eat a meal, I eat so fast that I am already eating a second full helping before I even start to feel like I ate at all.
• I secret-eat. The eating out of the cooking pan as I prepare is secret eating. In general, that is my secret-eat MO: I eat large portions of the food I am preparing for dinner before it ever gets to the plate, and I will follow up with a few bites every time I go into the kitchen during and after the meal, too.
• With some foods like pasta, chips or crackers, I will eat them until they are gone. I will even try to stop and I can't. I'll be shoveling it in and even though I am thinking, "I have to stop," I just can't make the fork stop going into my mouth. (NOTE: with this one, I am having a lot of success changing, I have been able to stop or avoid all together lately.... gotta keep that track.)
• Alcohol. Sometimes I will have a glass of wine after work, before dinner, and it kills my appetite. I sometimes end up drinking all night instead of eating, because the calories from alcohol fool your body into thinking you ate. So then one of two things happens: either, I am just destroyed apocalyptic hung over the next day (which is getting harder and harder on me as I get older) or -- maybe worse -- just before bed, I will tell myself I need to eat something so I'm not crazy hung over tomorrow, and because I'm drunk and have no willpower, I eat some marathon like 2000 calories or total garbage then go immediately pass out. 

There. If you didn't already feel you knew too much about me, there's some really ugly stuff.

So, I've done a lot of reading about binge eating disorder and food addiction. I know that am an emotional eater, and I am starting to be able to recognize the triggers. I eat for stress relief and I eat when I'm bored. 

I have this vivid recollection where I got a subpoena delivered to my door by a cop. That's like every trigger in one package. I fear and distrust police officers. I have a near panic attack when someone knocks on my door without calling first. (I normally will not answer the door if I don't know who it is.) And getting a subpoena played out a whole nightmare scenario. Anyway -- I found myself eating directly out of the refrigerator, actually folding a sandwich in half so I could eat it faster. I don't recall going in the kitchen, or starting to eat. 

"Trigger foods" seem to be a big focus of a lot of the info that is out there about binge eating and food addiction. I find that I have more psychological or emotional triggers than any specific foods that cause me to have a binge. There are certain foods that are my go-to foods, but I think they are very common ones because of their fat-carb-reward loop: pasta, bread, chips (really crackers for me more than chips.) Also, these are foods that are easy to consume large portions of very quickly, and produce the proper dopamine effect that most people experience as "food coma." 

Since I have been approaching my diet, fitness and health goals as a whole lifestyle change, I have been experiencing a lot of success dealing with triggers without binge eating. I find that I have to concentrate really hard sometimes, but I can listen to what my body is telling me versus the urge to gobble down everything I can get in my mouth. When I want to go in the kitchen and "grab a snack," I am able to pay attention and determine if I am actually hungry or not. If I am actually hungry, I'll eat something. If I'm not actually hungry (like when I can feel that my belly is full but I'm still planning a meal in my head,) that is when we're in the danger zone.

So what do we do in the danger zone?

• I start with water. Drink down a nice big glass of water, fast. I get the visceral satisfaction of swallowing a large portion of something. And water filling your belly does satisfy your hunger pangs long enough for your brain to evaluate if you're really hungry or not. It is also a true fact that your brain has a difficult time differentiating between hunger and thirst, so sometimes you really are just thirsty. Luckily, I also love water, it is my #1 favorite beverage, always has been. So I have a lot of success using water to help me get through triggers.
• Exercise. This one is new for me, and I discovered it organically. (Another thing I had to discover empirically for myself, couldn't just take everyone's word for it...) I'll feel a hunger pang when I know I should not be hungry (like I already ate...) and I'll grab my free weights and do a couple reps. Next thing I know, I've forgotten all about eating. 
• Try willpower. As my nutritional health is increasing, I find this one to be a lot easier. Sometimes simply telling myself, "I'm not actually hungry, it's just a trigger," actually works. I'm actually not hungry, because I'm eating enough dietary fiber and vegetables that increase my satisfaction with meals, I am not nutritionally starved so these triggers are more readily identified as merely culprits, not legit hunger.
• Still can't totally stop? Maybe I am actually hungry. Eat something that is not a binge food. Some grapes or other fruit, or a couple spoonfuls of low fat cottage cheese, or one turkey-cheese roll-up. And immediately drink some water and get the f**k out of the kitchen. This one is a last resort. Stopping binge behavior with food is a slippery slope for the obvious reasons.

I'd like to conclude by saying: the best way to overcome eating triggers is SUCCESS. 

Last night I knew I was going to hit my weight loss goal for the week, because I was already there. All I had to do yesterday was not gain anything and I was set to win this morning. -- And I did it. -- One of my biggest triggers is a self-sabotage I've struggled with forever: I get so close to truly making a lasting change in my weight and health and right when I get to the brink, I fail big. And that justifies a binge, or giving up totally, which reinforces the "why do I bother?..." 

So last night, there I was, right on the brink of making my weekly goal. It's just one sleep away, and I'm already there. All I have to do is just maintain. I ate my healthy salad for dinner and some fresh cherries for a snack after. And then.... every time I go in the kitchen, I'm lookin' in the fridge, "I just need a snack." No. I don't. 

And I got through it with willpower -- I just kept my eyes on the prize: I'm at my goal, I'm not gonna fuck that up just so I can shove a meal I don't need down my throat one time. I did compromise with myself, and I ate some cottage cheese about an hour before bed, and that satisfied me. And when I woke up this morning and got on the scale.... and found not only was I at goal, I was 1 lb. below, I was elated. I did it! It seems silly to have felt that proud of myself for such a small thing, but it really was a big thing. I confronted a lifelong self-destructive patterns and won. Not saying the battle is over, but every success makes me feel more and more like I can do it.

Weight-In Wednesday: lost 3 lbs. and big-boy breakfast

I did it! I made my goal for the week, plus a little. (Which is exactly what I said, "I need to be be at goal or a little ahead, instead of playing catch-up the rest of the time. Those little misses add up to big misses.")

This week's weight goal was 280, and as of this morning I am at 279. SWEET -- saw a 7. This means overall I have lost 3 lbs. this week and 11 lbs. overall since May. And that also means that really, I have lost 10 lbs. twice because in the end of June my weight blimped back up to 290. Gonna aim to not let that happen again.

I've discovered something empirically that I could not accept based on the word of others, even everyone:

I need to restrict my calorie intake at night.

I weight myself every day, twice a day. And, nearly every time I am as much as 3 lbs. lighter in the afternoon than I am first thing in the morning. The only times this has not been true were when I consciously stopped myself from eating into the evening and then my weight in the morning is right at, or just barely a sliver under my weight from the previous afternoon.

After two months of monitoring this, ruminating on it, Googling it, and generally letting it settle into my brain I have been forced to accept that simply saying that late night eating is my real problem is not sufficient to addressing it -- I have to actually not eat.

I use Google Fit to track my activity level and my BMR during the day and when I get home from work any given day I am usually at a 600-1000 calorie deficit for the day, which is right on target. For my overall goal, I am working toward being at a 750 calorie deficit every day with exercise calculated as part of it. That will (mathematically at least) allow me to lose 1.5 lbs per week. So then... I plant my ass in front of the TV and start eating. There are days more than 50% of my calories are consumed at home in the evening. And there are plenty of nights I go way over that.

I have found a couple things that help remedy that. Mostly, shifting a lot of my calories to breakfast makes a big difference. And secondarily to that, eating my greasy carbs at lunch (if I want them) seems to neutralize their negatives and maximize their positives. Yes there are positives such as: me being happy because I get to eat a french fry or a fried fish sandwich once in a while, and the calorie-fat-carb blast in the middle of the day keeps me going through the "late day slump." On the regular my lunch is a salad, but if I want crispy fried chicken on top of it, I have it. Or if there is something irresistible like coleslaw. Mmm. I need to be psychologically satisfied with my meals, too.

Oddly enough, I have to face weird reactions to eating a big breakfast. Where I work, we eat our meals together, in the dining room, with the residents (I work in an assisted living / nursing home.) And I often get comments like, "Well that's a big-boy breakfast isn't it?" Or, "Gee, are you hungry?" (To which I always simply say, "Yep.") (Note I could show up at the table with a 1000 calorie LUNCH on my plate and no one would bat an eyelash, but I eat a full plate of food at breakfast and it's a "big boy breakfast.")

My average breakfast runs around 600 calories. I normally have 2 scrambled eggs, gluten free toast, an apple, half a banana and either oatmeal or yogurt (but not both) and if there is bacon -- obviously, it's bacon. Eating a nice, big breakfast gives me energy through the day, makes it so I can eat a much lower calorie lunch (usually I eat a large salad with whatever protein is being served -- chicken or fish, etc.) and I have the balance of the day for my metabolism to actually use the fat calories instead of store them. My mood throughout the day is also higher and more positive if I had a good breakfast, and I am able to handle stress and demanding situations a lot more readily.

So yes. It is a "big-boy breakfast," because I'm a big boy and I have a lot of work to do. I'm working on not reacting emotionally to criticisms of my weight (which is what commenting on the size of a meal really is.) It's easy to knee-jerk to a defensive reaction, but I do try to save those for the deserving (like the asshole who made a shitty comment to me at an ice cream shop -- yeah I told that guy to go fuck himself, "I have an idea: how about you keep your fucking opinion to yourself where it belongs. What? You thought I came here for a salad maybe? So yeah. Fuck off." .... pretty sure is what I said that time.) But in general I am working on using my Zen on people's opinions / reactions to my weigh and fitness goals the way I do with nearly everything else. I'm making progress, but it's slow going.

At any rate, it's a good week. Lost 3 lbs. Met my exercise, activity, and tracking goals, and I am feeling stronger and healthier. I am going to write a separate entry about the night eating and some goal setting surrounding that. Stay tuned.

I'm Getting Stronger

Noticed today that my strength training is getting easier. And my form is getting smoother, and my muscles warm up easier. And I'm starting to feel a difference, especially in my chest and arms; can't see it yet, but you will. Combined with walking to work every day, I'm sleeping better and have more energy.  I've kept to my fitness goals for 2 months now, which is like a month and three weeks longer than ever before. #fitnessgoals #strong

Weigh-In Wednesday -- lost 2 lbs.

Weigh-In Wednesday -- yes I know it's Friday, it's been a long week, ok?
236 lbs., lost 2 lbs., total lost overall 17 lbs.

Funny because I felt like I went way off the rails again last week. I struggled with some bad patterns still, but I stayed on plan in terms of what I actually ate, so even though I did overeat a few times and I still ate late at night a couple times, it was hummus and wasabi peas, not pizza and cheese sandwiches.

I have had to make a few adjustments to my diet again.
I have to be realistic about myself and how I want to eat.
The dramatic alterations I have made to my diet have actually led me to binge eat a few times because I was so carb-starved, I just lost control and went way overboard,

Food confession: (in case you think I'm kidding, or exaggerating about it being a binge....) one night after a few drinks and having not eaten more than a salad all day I ate 6 Jimmy Dean Sausage, Egg & Cheese Biscuits (yes, six) plus about 3/4 lb. of swiss cheese and 3/4 lb. of sliced turkey rolled up and dipped in hummus, and an entire 2 lb. package of dried mango. Then went straight to bed.

At any rate, that, along with a few other considerations has made me realize I need to re-introduce a modest amount of "bready" carbs into my diet. To that end, I have implemented the following allowances:

• Pasta, whole wheat or white, twice a week if I want them, 1 serving per time only, measured
• I like a breakfast sandwich, so I bought English muffins & sausage patties (I always have eggs & cheese already) and will allow ONE a day
• I need a carby snack at night, I just do. So I bought a box of Saltine crackers, and will allow 10-15 crackers at night, with a dip like hummus or salsa or both
• Pizza. I have decided that I may have 2 pizzas a month, any kind I want, and I will eat it all in one sitting if I feel like it

I feel like these allowances are going to help me get back on the wagon, The fact that I did them last week and still lost 2 lbs. tells me it's possible. I don't regret dramatically restricting my diet for a few weeks, it really allowed me to feel some success in the form of some dramatic weight drop, which felt really good. And it facilitated me breaking my heavy reliance on high carb foods. And it forced me to be creative in order to get enough food, which in turn led me to try new foods and new combinations of foods. It was positive, even the crash & burn a couple weeks ago ended up being positive because it led me realize I had to find a way to make it work without giving up a few things I really love. And that I really WAS going to do it, not just give up and go back to my old ways like I always have before. I'm gonna do this dammit,

Weigh-In Wednesday

236 lbs., lost 3 lbs this week, 17 lbs lost overall.

*phew*

I was a little worried after not losing any weight last week.

Made some adjustments to my diet again this week. About mid-week, I decided to stop eating bread. Also went back on plan in terms of what types of food I was eating. I did under-eat a little bit. That's so ironic, I never imagined I would have a problem not eating enough,

But I also understand myself, and I know how my body works. I took the warning to heart from Weight Watchers that I was "losing weight too fast," but I also don't mind if I drop a lot of weight really quick. I need to reset my metabolism. I know I "shocked" my body so to speak with a couple weeks of dramatic under-eating, but it has made me more able to stay on plan. I'm not carb starved all the time any more because I cut so much carbs out of my diet, I have adapted to a lower-carb diet.

It also allows me to have indulgences once in a while, for example a burger and fries, which I did have last week. Two weeks ago when I didn't lose any weight, I had been eating a handful of fries every day. One of the take-aways from that week was, "OK, the all day grazing has to stop. If I'm gonna have french fries, I just gonna have them, with a meal and get it over with."

This week I have really been craving a pizza. I might have to let that be my freebie this week.

It feels good to be back on track.

Goals for next week:

• lose at least 1 lb.
• really get a handle on the no bread thing
• work out at least 3 days

Weigh-In Wednesday - Lost 3 lbs, 14 lbs. total

239, lost 3 lbs., 14 lbs total lost.
Also took my measurements, which I am tracking monthly:

• Upper Arm: 15 inches, gained 2 inches around my bicep
• that's good, it means the free weights are working
• Chest: 44 inches, lost 3 inches around my chest - excellent!
• Neck: 17.5, lost 1/2 an inch around my neck
• that is good, but I knew it was going to be a small result; I tried on my one-time favorite, every-day worn necklace that used to rest in the hollow of my throat and it was almost like a choker. LOL I thought, "Oh damn, still got some work to do..."
• Waist: 50.5, lost 1.5 inches around my belly -- awesome!
• Calves: 16 inches, lost 1 inch
• my activity level has increased, so I guess my calves were fat.
• Thigh: 25 inches, lost 1 inch off my thighs
• BMI: 31.5, still too high, but that is a 1.9% LOSS, down from 33.4

So, the observation I've been making lately is actually true. I've been noticing that my pants don't ride down as bad the last week or so. My belly is so big it pushes them down unless I cinch my belt until it's painful. I used to do that, but I can't any more. Anyway, the last few days I've noticed a marked drop in how often I have to hitch up my pants, and after I use the bathroom and re-set my wardrobe, I noticed it stays fixed for longer, easier. 

I'm very pleased with that. I hate fidgeting with my clothes all the time. It makes me self-conscious.

Also, reached an awesome Milestone with Weight Watchers, my 5% weight goal, meaning I have lost 5% of my starting weight. 

The reason that screen shot is cropped so high is because I want to celebrate my weight loss and my happiness at the success. However, there was also a warning that I am "losing weight too fast." Weight Watchers doesn't want you to lose more than 2 lbs. / week, and my average is 3.5 lbs a week.

I did go under plan a couple days last week, only ate about half of my points. And I was very hungry the following day both times because of it. However, even that feels kinda good: I have to eat more because my weigh loss is too dramatic. 

Not smoking cigarettes is also going very well. This Friday, October 10th will be 28 days, and I will be moving on to Step 3 with the nicotine patches. 2 more weeks wearing a lower does patch, and then I am technically done with them. At this time, I am feeling I don't care if I wear a nicotine patch the rest of my life, I'm not gonna smoke cigarettes. 

However, it is also getting easier and easier every day. My lifestyle routines are really adapted to not smoking. I am still using my e-cig a little bit. I am going through 1 disposable a week, which is about the equivalent of 1 pack of cigarettes in terms of how long they last. I don't use it at all in the morning, don't even think of it, except as something that has to go in my pocket because I want to use it at the end of my work day. 

I am going to try to go off the patch obviously. But, I might keep some in the house in case I freak out and start considering actually smoking. That's more than 2 weeks away anyway. My body memory of smoking cigarettes is going away really fast, it will be very diminished by then.

I am also feeling like a million bucks. I've got more energy. My house is cleaner. I'm taking better care of my body. I am starting to look forward to exercising instead of it feeling like a chore. I'm so pleased with all of it, I am starting to trust that I am making a lifelong change. It's still all a work in progress, but I'm enjoying doing it.

Goals for next week:

• Stay on plan, including eating enough (oddly enough... LOL)
• Keep working on my physical environment
• I didn't realize how disgusting my house was and I'm busy, so it's taking some time
• Work out 5 days

Weigh-In Wednesday - Lost 3 lbs.

Sweet,
242 lbs., lost 3 lbs., overall lost 11 lbs. so far.

I just caught myself, arms crossed, looking out the window and nodding to myself, "It's working."

It is totally working. I have always been shocked by the cause and effect in my life, I'm not sure why. But especially when it's my own behavior, I'm always like, "OH! Duh...." Like right now. I changed my diet for real, not just for a day or two, and there is a resultant change in me. Huh.. who knew? LOL

I'm really pleased to see this result, because I felt like I went off the wagon a couple times this week. Truthfully though, I ate a cheese burger and fries one time, which is normal, right? Once a week you treat yourself to some meal like that.

So-so on my goals for the week: I did eat breakfast every day, but I only worked out twice (goal is 5 times a week.)

So goals for next week:

• I wanna try one completely new meal this week, something I've never thought of before
• Work out 5 days

I lost 6 lbs. Weigh-In Wednesday

Weigh-In Wednesday, 9/17/2014, Week 1

Weight 247 lbs.

I lost 6 lbs this week. That is awesome.

Still not smoking cigarettes, it's getting easier every day.

Weight Watchers is going really well. I find it really does help me. Their system is awesome because there's no forbidden foods, and some of my favorite foods are 0-point foods, so you're not hungry. You don't have to starve yourself. If you're hungry you can eat something.

And using their online tracking and goal setting tools is really great for me. It helps me to actually see what I ate and what it's impact on my overall nutrition was, and that helps me see where I can make healthier choices and still eat the meals I like. Plus, you also see the direct effect of exercise. Pretty much you get 1 point for every 5 minutes you work out or do cardio or any kind of active exercising. (Well, I think you get 2 pts for running.... yeah not yet.) Anyway, you literally see where your activity level is helping you.

Anyway, ok enough with the Weight Watchers commercial. LOL

Some ups and downs this week. I had a couple days where I really went over my points for the day, but I managed to stay on my weekly points overall. Still, a little lesson from that. It was my first week back on the program after all. And I still lost 6 lbs.

A few things I know made a difference for sure. I did not have homefries or french fries even once this week with my meals at work. I didn't drink. And, I cooked all of my at-home meals at home (didn't eat out or buy premade meals.)

I changed up a few of my work meals so I can still have them but they are better for me.

• switched to veggie sausage and cheddar on the eggwich
• no homefries / french fries / chips
• no cheeseburgers
• if I ordered a sandwich, I had it as a wrap, it's half the points

Not smoking:

My sense of smell is back, didn't realize I couldn't smell things before.
No more wheezing at night.
Still having coughing fits where I'm hacking up gross shit.
My lungs feel better, I can actually feel them feeling better.

My voice is coming back a little, still waiting on that one. Last time I quit smoking I remember all of a sudden having to clear my throat like 30 times in a row and afterward my voice sounded different to me for a day or so until I got used to it. And I noticed my singing voice came back very noticeably. I remember singing along to the radio in the car and being like, "OMG, I can hit that note again." So anyway, I'm looking forward to that this time.

Not smoking during the day at all at work, I don't think about it much even. I'm still using the e-cig in the car and at home a little. Still don't care about that. I'm really happy to be done with cigarettes. I had a landmark moment with it where I got in the car at the end of the day and was like, "Holy shit, I don't have to go to the store. I can just go right home."

I'm really surprised at how little I think about cigarettes. Even when I quit back in 2010 with the patch, like this time, I thought about smoking all the time. Now, I really don't think about it all day at work. I do go outside one time at the very end of the day with my e-cig. So I guess technically I am still "smoking." I don't care about that, I just want to be done with cigarettes. I barely use the e-cig too, I find myself holding it more that smoking it.

Didn't really exercise this week. I will change that today. I got my stepper out, it is sitting in the middle of the living room.

It feels good to be back on the wagon.

I've lost 2 inches off my belly

Good news.

I just broke my own rule and measured my belly NOT on the 1st of the month. (I am trying to only take my measurements monthly.)

Anyway, I was very pleased to see that I have lost a total of 2 inches off my belly circumference. And that means I've lost 1 1/4" since I last measured myself 3 weeks ago and had lost 3/4 of an inch. Which means it coincides with the timeframe that I got the elliptical and started serious cardio every day.

That's almost double the fat loss from dieting alone. 

 I think that was the final piece of the puzzle. That's some real, empirical proof that it's working. Ya know? I was starting to doubt myself really bad, like.... is it all in my head? Have I just convinced myself that it's working so I don't have to feel bad about failing? But no. It really is working. That's fantastic.

So that's it. Either today or tomorrow I am going to go join the Y.

lost 3/4 of an inch off my belly -- awesome!

For the last couple days I have been doing some research, trying to figure out why I'm not losing weight. Tomorrow I'll be six weeks in and my net loss is negligible. A pound or less, on any given day. It's discouraging, even though I've managed to transform that disappointment into motivation, it would be awesome to actually see a drop on the scale too.

Anyway, I've also noticed a few other things that I feel are all related to it.

First off, since I've started using the elliptical every day with a couple one day breaks, I find I am up to pee like 3 or 4 times in the night. I've always been a nighttime bathroom goer. But usually once or less, sometimes a second time during rehearsal for getting out of bed -- LOL -- you know that one, where you're awake and you feel like it's time to get out of bed for the day and then you come back from the bathroom and... zzzz. But the last couple weeks, I'm up to pee all night, ug. I know it's from the greatly increased water I'm drinking. And after looking at my nutrition log I am willing to admit maybe I could stand to cut my sodium a little. But I also believe it is related to water retention from changing my fitness routine, kicking it way up. The frequent peeing 100% coincided with it.

A scant minute of research on the Internet also reveals that not losing weight, or even gaining weight, during the first couple weeks of a new exercise regimen is totally normal, and temporary. Here's what I learned:

When you start exercising regularly, or change your workouts dramatically, your muscles start converting glucose (carbs) to glycogen, which is the real fuel your muscles burn. This causes water retention because it takes 3 water molecules for every 1 molecule of glycogen produced. DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) or the soreness you feel after exercising, also causes water retention in the muscles because DOMS is actually microscopic muscle tears from exertion (how muscle mass is actually increased) which are inflamed and slightly swollen, just the way a cut on your skin gets inflamed and swollen during healing. People may in fact not feel any soreness from exercise, but still be experiencing water retention from DOMS.

(NOTE: glycogen is also the nutrient that gets used during exercise, causing endorphin release, which is the cause of "runner's high.")

Here's what made me start digging deeper into the question, Why am I not losing weight?

This morning, I was looking at myself naked in the mirror and I had my hands around my belly and I noticed that it really seriously felt smaller and lighter in my hands. (Yes, I can pick up my fat.) I gave it the "shake test" and it was noticeably lighter. A little shocked -- I have been struggling to figure out why I am not losing weight, but my belly is noticeably smaller -- I give it the side-view exam in the mirror, and sure enough, Holy shit, it is smaller. So I sprint (all 3 steps) over to my desk, whip out my cloth tape measure and take my measurement around my belly. And there it is, proof on the tape measure: I've lost 3/4 of an inch around my belly.

So, in fact, I have lost "weight" -- I've lost fat, and a noticeable amount of it, off my worst trouble area -- my belly. It really helps me keep my motivation to have discovered this. I do still have that voice in the back of my head, like, "It's not working, you're gaining weight, just forget it." And to have solid, scientific proof that I am actually smaller than I was six weeks ago, kinda shuts that voice up nicely.

Plus, I can't give enough praise to the endorphin rush I get from working out, particularly from cardio.

A word about endorphins: according to Wikipedia, endorphins are, "... 'endogenous morphine,' or, a morphine-like substance originating from within the body." That feeling, like I'm superman, you just can't get it from everything, and now that I figured out I get it from jogging on my elliptical, I'm hooked. LOL -- I'm hooked on my own morphine.

Here's a couple articles on the matter:
I just started exercising to lose weight and I'm gaining
Why the Scale Goes Up When You Start a New Workout Plan

I'm looking forward to working out today?? This one's a must read. LOL

Ok the weirdest thing happened last night.

I was on my elliptical, fighting my way through my warmup -- 5 min.

I find that the first 3 minutes is the hardest, it's when I start telling myself I'm going to get through my 20 min in 2 or even three sessions, or that I'm "just gonna take a break" after I get through the warmup. Then, just as 3 minutes is starting to loom on the timer, I break into the first sweat, my pulse goes heavy but even, and I realize, Oh, I'm gonna be just fine.

So, I'm jimbing (that's jog-climbing) away somewhere around 10 minutes, and I'm starting to feel the second wave of fatigue, and I think, Alright, I might take take a break at 15 min. And instead, what happened was I got to 14 minutes and thought, Fuck it, six more and I'll be at 20 min which is goal.

Then the weird thing happened.

This is my elliptical a Weslo G 3.1

I got to 20 minutes still going steady at 6 mph (which is a fast jog) with the resistance tension set at 6 out of 8. And I realized I felt really great, like superman in fact. And I said, "Fuck it. 10 more minutes." And I turned the resistance up to max, and kicked it up to a hard jog, 11 mph for 10 minutes, until the last 90 seconds warm down. And seriously, I felt like a million bucks. I've never enjoyed exercising before. Even remembering it while I write this, and I'm anxious to go get on the elliptical. Weird.

I'm not even sore today, which is fantastic. I might be tomorrow, I've had a 48 hour delay on that before. But it won't be bad, I don't think. The most muscular part of me is my legs anyway. But it's the weirdest thing to actually be -- right now -- looking forward to working out today. Weird. Weird. Weird. I like it.

30 Day Report

Wow, I haven't written in 2 1/2 weeks.

Well let's see. July 1st has come and gone, so my 30 day trial run is completed. Really more like 5 weeks. I knew it was going to take me a full month to get a real sense of how I was going to make it work. And a couple times I have really felt like it was another false start, but instead I seem to have made it work.

I only lost 1 pound. However, in the course of the month I actually gained 5 lbs. over my starting weight, so I actually lost 6 lbs. but only a net loss of 1.

Smoking cigarettes: still quit and over the first serious almost-relapse, which I am pretty happy about. I've smoked a few real cigarettes (versus my eCig) over the month but each time it has tasted and felt disgusting to me and even though I smoked the whole thing, it reminded me how glad I was that I didn't smoke any more. I had one evening with friends and a few too many drinks where I had an evening long relapse. And after that, I think 3 days in a row, I smoked one real cigarette a day. This coincided with me having a little summer cold, and being extremely fatigued from an endless 2 weeks at work, and I was just so beat down and my willpower was wrecked, blah blah blah. Anyway, I said to myself, I feel like I'm gonna buy a pack of cigarettes. I have to deal with this. So, I whipped up some more backbone and just made myself stop. I'm back on the eCig all the time again. I do find I am smoking the eCig a lot less too, sometimes at home I go all night without thinking about it. The real cigarette incidents were just that, incidents where I buckled in a stressful situation -- work has been a shitstorm, and I was working with a cold through it. It was always at work. However, overall, I pronounce quitting smoking basically handled.

I have struggled with some real emotional sabotage from myself. It's very defeating -- for example -- to get on the scale after you've worked out every day and followed your goals, and find you gained 3 lbs. That was a hard one, there were others. Like the night I totally caved and gave myself permission to eat a meal and half worth of food at midnight. The day after that, I actually said out loud to myself, "That's it, I failed, right? It's over?" And also when I went 4 days without doing any cardio or weight training whatsoever; after that little episode, I felt really like, ok this is it, I'm off the wagon, I know what's gonna happen, oh well it was a nice try. Oddly though, it's like I could actually really feel it coming over me like a pall or a filter, and each time I just said to myself, No, that is not gonna happen. I've taken those little failures and managed to channel the negative energy into motivation to do it right, and it's worked.

Of course, I wanted to just magically waste away to 175 lbs. and equally mysteriously somehow develop a big, bulked up chest and arms. But it doesn't work that way. Over the month, I've seen the direct effect of even a minimal fitness regimen. On the weeks where I have been consistent in my workouts I've also noticed decreased appetite in general, better sleep, and stable weight loss. Duh.

I have started to see some differences in my body. Nothing photo worthy yet, but in particular, I have noticed that my ass is getting cuter, which for me means bigger 'cause I have no ass. Apparently I have some now, and I'm going to have more. And I have noticed my arms starting to get some definition, and I can feel that my pecs and lats are building, although it's not very noticeable yet, it will be. So actually, I have no idea how much weight I might have for real, because I am definitely gaining muscle. My legs, in particular my thighs, are also starting to get really defined -- I already had ok legs, but they are starting to look really fit even to me.

I bought an elliptical and it turns out I love it. Who knew jogging stairs was what would work for me? I can jog 6 mph on it with the tension 2/3 of the way up for 15 min already, and I've only been using it 2 weeks. The curve was almost straight up, too. The first day I used it, I only made it two minutes and I had to do it one minute at a time. But I was up to 20 minutes within a couple days, first 20 min in 2 sessions at a moderate pace, and by this week I was up to the hard jog for 15 min after a 5 min warmup. I think I can take it up to 30 min pretty soon. For whatever reason, I took to the elliptical naturally. In fact, I know I can take it to 30 min because I've done 45 a couple days in multiple sessions, but I set my goal -- 20 minutes at this point, and I try to consider anything I so over goal to be gravy.

Same with my weight training. I'm sticking to my goals with the free weights, they have stayed the same the whole month which is fine with me. I'm still having a hard time finishing the reps in some of the sets, so I'm staying put until the sets are too easy. However, I do also do a little bit over goal every day, and a couple days I've tripled my sets, but again, I treat it like gravy. I was wicked sore the next day, and I don't want to make myself so sore I can't work out. Any activity at all is more than I was doing before.

So, overall, in spite of some setbacks, in fact possible because of them, I think I am on the road to resetting my physical lifestyle. I'm very proud of myself that I have managed to incorporate breakfast back into my diet -- I have drank a fresh fruit smoothie every single day but one, and that day I was groggy and cranky and I knew it was because I didn't make my smoothie. And it has helped me to feel hungry ealier in the day too, because instead of my body just being in starvation / fasting mode, I can actually tell my stomach is empty and I'm hungry. Weird that eating helps you control your eating, right? It's weird stuff, and even though the info is right there everywhere you look, it never clicked in my head before like this. I've never succeeded at this for a whole month before. Like, I feel like I really am making a sea change in my life. My personality of course is still mine, but I have felt like I am changing who I am.

At this point I am willing to say, not only will I look good in a tight t-shirt, I'm gonna have a hot body. It might take me a year, in fact I planned it to, but yeah. Hot body.

You get up, you get back on the horse

OK, so of course I had to go and brag about how I'd gotten my night eating under control. Then last night (including alcohol) I ate 3161 calories after midnight and then went and passed out. Woke up 6 lbs. heavier this morning. 6 pounds.

I know I didn't actually gain 6 real pounds, it's water retention and a couple pounds of food still going through my GI tract, but I can pretty much guarantee tomorrow I'll see the actual net gain from it, which will probably be a pound or even two.

I've had an interesting week. From the combination of tracking my calories / eating and holding to my no night eating rule I observed something amazing: as long as I didn't eat at night, like no later than 7 or 8 pm, I lost weight every day. It almost didn't matter what I ate during the day within reason, as long as I didn't eat too late into the evening, I was consistently dropping .5 to 1 lb. a day.

I also observed that on the days I "did it right" and ate the most of my calories, protein, carbs and fat early in the day, and focused on high fiber and complex carbs later in the day, it was much easier to control the urge to eat at night, and easier to make the right choices if I did eat anything. It made it sink in a little more the actual importance of eating when you're "dieting" -- it's not a "diet" if it doesn't include food. Starving yourself by skipping meals or excessive fasting, coupled with infrequent huge meals (usually two a day, right?) makes your body go into a low-level shock because your hypothalamus starts sending out survival signals to your body, triggering fat-generation mode. It really is really bad, a total "diet" killer. Your body is capable of converting almost any nutrient into fat to store the nutrition. Eating more frequently, and eating most of your protein, carbs and fat early in the day keeps your body fed and lets your metabolism work right.

I had an object lesson this week in how well it can work, and how ugly it can be when you fall off the wagon. 6 pounds worth of a lesson. I was horrified when I got on the scale this morning.

I have stayed on track with my fitness goals though. Interestingly even on the days I went a little retrograde in terms of my nutritional plan, I still got my cardio and weight training done. I have done one or the other every day, and both every day about 2 out of 3, not bad. My pecs and my deltoid and tricep are the ones that hurt. I have a pretty decent bicep, always have, although it has been way better before. And you really have to tighten up your tricep or you can't really see the bicep definition, and the tricep is where you get the grandma wing. I'm starting to see and feel a positive difference in my upper body, both in strength and in muscle shape, and it's very encouraging. It makes me actually like the burn. "That pain you feel today is the strength you will feel tomorrow."

Anyway, it's been a mixed bag this past week or thereabouts. Overall, I had a great week, stayed on my nutritional goals, got my fitness goals in every day, but then I really crashed & burned yesterday. It was not even a backslide, it was a total reversion. I didn't eat all day, then at about 4 pm, I ordered way too much food out after work, then starved myself again for almost 8 hours and ended up eating directly out of the refrigerator at 12:30.

I choose to take it as a lesson. I try to focus on the successes, and there were plenty, particularly in getting to the top of the curve on understanding and internalizing it all. Every failure I've experienced so far has served to reinforce why I need to do this. For some reason, I've been able to see why each failure has happened and what the consequences were, and channel my disappointment into motivation to do it right. It's working, but every time I have a bad day I really have to work through it with myself and keep reminding myself it's just a setback, not the end of the plan. You get up, you get back on the horse.

nice progress

On the ride home from my cousin's house tonight, I caught myself thinking about my treadmill, like excitedly. I was actually looking forward to coming home and torturing myself. I've been doing a combination walk / jog and I find that each day it is easier to jog a little more.

I'm still sorting this out in my head, but I think something happened. I think my near-failure with the 3-day total backslide actually motivated me to get back on. I think the reason is also partly because for some reason, this time for the first time ever, my exercises actually make me feel energized and happy afterward. Finally, some positive reinforcement for working out, instead of just pain and exhaustion. Something's different this time, and I don't really care what it is, but I like it.

That's never happened before. I have easily, happily, given up on my diet and exercise plans -- ever. And I've never had an exercise plan before, not really. But for some reason, this time, my failure to stay on my own plan really pissed me off, and I said, F- this, I'm going to f-ing do this.

And ever since then, I've had some really awesome successes too. I have successfully controlled my night binge eating every night so far. I have eaten at night, I have to because of my work schedule, but I've eaten what I planned to eat, not more, and if I was still hungry I drank a glass of water and waited 10 minutes.

That's another one. I have tried to keep this rule: every time I feel hungry, I will drink a glass of water and wait ten minutes. I had a really good one today. I got home from my cousin's and I knew I was hungry and still needed dinner -- i.e., I had already given myself permission to eat. And, as I was ripping into the fridge, yanking ingredients out like Christmas decorations, I was just about to graze on a mouthful of grated cheddar and I said, No, just because you are legitimately hungry and plan to make a meal, you still have to do it. And, I drank a glass of water and waited. And afterward I was also able to choose a different meal that was better for me, and I didn't feel deprived. Sweet.

OMG! Success

For the first time I remember, I actually won over the raid the fridge urge.

I could feel it coming. Earlier, I had put away all food that was in sight, everything in the fridge or a cupboard because I saw the bread sitting out and immediately started planning a sandwich. And I was all, no, that is not happening. I ate enough today, we're done, the kitchen is closed.

Then it came back later, just a few minutes ago, with a vengeance. I'm a little drunk, and I was well on my way to yanking out half the fridge and going to town. I usually eat as much while I'm making what I planned as the thing itself. I had already cleared counter space.

And I said to myself, NO, dammit. You cannot fail at this.

So I ate like 5 or 6 spoonfuls of fat free cottage cheese and made myself put it away. And drank a glass of water.

And.....

By the time I did all of that, the ... crazy I'm gonna eat everything right now had faded quite a bit. And here's the amazing part: I looked in the fridge, surveying for a good opening foray, and even though my fridge is full of tons of binge-worthy foods, none of it looked good to me. And I realized, Oh my god, I did it, I didn't eat. I'm not hungry, it was just... whatever it is. Then I wrote this blog entry.