Blog relaunch

Almost 2 years since I wrote anything, three since I was serious about it.

So, I'm back. Started tracking my diet and exercise a little over a month ago, May 20th, 2017. At that time I was at least 290 lbs., maybe more. One-hundred pounds (yes, 100 lbs.) over my goal weight.

I've re-calibrated my goals to lose that 100 lbs by my 46th birthday which will be August 21, 2018 -- 15 months from when I started (this time...) That will require me to lose about 1.5 lbs / wk. which equals cutting about 750 calories a day below my BMR (basic metabolic rate, or the calories required to maintain my current weight.)

My current BMR based on my age, weight and activity level is about 2900 calories, so I am trying to stay in the 2100-2200 calorie range for now. I find if I eat less than 2000 calories I end up compensating with something like an entire bag of Doritos the next day, which appears as a 2 lb. jump on the scale the next day.

I've had to accept that I am not going to have some huge weight dump like I did last time. I'm over 40 (will be 45 in a minute) and quite overweight, and very out of shape, and it's slow going to get a train that big, going that fast in one direction to stop and start heading the other way. What I'm hoping is that it will get easier as I go, instead of how it has been in past attempts: big weight drop right away, lots of success and patting myself on the back from all the praise I got from my friends, and then... a plateau that I never got past, followed by a collapse back to my bad, old ways.

I have been walking to work every day, and home from work almost every day, which is 1 mile each way with a pretty steep uphill climb on both ends. I have also been strength training at home, and have stuck to my every-other-day (or two days in a row with 2 rest days) for six weeks now, which is a record for me. I've also been taking the stairs at work with a once-daily allowed elevator trip, and some days I don't use the elevator at all.

I've noticed some improvements right away:

• I'm sleeping better
• I find myself looking forward to the walk every morning (sometimes trudging home uphill after work is still a challenge...)
• My cardio conditioning is coming back -- I don't need any breaks on the morning walk any more (was 2) and only one (was 3) on the way home
• My Instagram is active again because I see things on my morning walk to take pics of every day
• I've started to like my strength training routine, which I just allowed to develop organically
• I'm finding that for some reason, this time around, I feel accountable to myself, and it's working -- I catch myself sliding on some goal (usually the weights workout) and I think, If I don't do it, I'm giving up. And I can't stand that, so I do it.

About this self-accountability thing:

I can't count how many times in my life I've looked back at some failed exercise or fitness attempt and thought to myself, "Well that was [however many years or even decades] ago, imagine if I'd been doing that every day since then..." And then I move on to some other topic that is easier to talk about, like television or my pets. I've finally come around to realizing that it really is my fault. I chose not to do those sit-ups. I chose to eat mayo right out of the jar. I chose to blame locker room bullies for why I am still fat 30 years later. I chose to close my eyes.

My eyes popped open when I saw this picture:

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Who the fuck is that fat guy?? Oh, shit. That's me in November 2016 (eight months ago.)

Where'd THIS GUY go?? From 2011??

(And I thought I was fat back then....)

That picture for some reason, really put it into perspective. I knew I was gaining weight. The blue shirt I'm wearing in the pic on the right above doesn't even button anymore -- it was loose on me in that pic. It was my favorite shirt, the go-to for a date or the bar. Same for the red v-neck next to it: last time I tried it on, it was tight like spandex and I couldn't pull it all the way over my belly. Also that necklace with the cross perfect in the dip of my clavicle won't go around my neck any more, I couldn't wear it if I wanted to. I am literally not that person any more, and I hate that.

Not saying I hate myself. In fact, I think I have come to love and respect myself way more than I did when either of those "skinny pics" were taken. Back then I thought I was as fat as I truly am now. I thought I was unhappy because of my weight, when the truth of course is the other way around. And I thought that losing weight was going to fix all my other problems, too.

I will now offer all the justifications I have for gaining 100 lbs. (Yes, I was at my goal weight back then, just needed to tone up some saggy places...)

I moved back to Maine in 2012 to care for my ailing mother, and my aging grandmother (whom my mother was no longer able to care for alone.) I was still a wreck from getting dumped by my rebound fling -- which was supposed to be medicine for the end of a horrible 5 year train wreck of a relationship -- and instead just messed me up worse. (For some reason I just fell apart when it did.) I had crash landed here with less than $500 in the bank, no job, and a place to live I couldn't afford. That first winter I really suffered. I was stressed about money constantly, wasn't sleeping, was drinking more and more heavily all the time, and living on restaurant food (burgers, fries and greasy everything.)

The winter of '12-'13 alone, I think I gained 30 lbs. I kinda freaked out about that the following summer, and I was getting my sea legs being back here, so to speak. I bought an elliptical and joined Weight Watchers and lost a dozen pounds. A year went by and I stayed about there, still not happy with my weight or my appearance, and still probably gaining a little, too. I stopped exercising.

Then in 2014 the shit hit the fan. My mother went into the hospital July 3rd, 2014 with her 3rd heart attack and never came out -- she was in either the hospital or a nursing home for 5 months, then died in December. Two months later, in February 2015, my phone rang at 9:30 pm and I was told by a nursing home worker that my grandmother had just died. Three years later I am just starting to be able to see all that in the rear-view.

The first year after it all happened is truthfully a drunk blur. I started drinking every day, getting drunk every day, mixing wine and shots of hard liquor. And when I wasn't getting drunk (or working, I did work...) I was eating my way through it: mac & cheese, Thai and Chinese takeout by the bushel, think nothing of having 4 cheese sandwiches for dinner and still eat a box of Cheez-Its while I watch TV in the recliner. My mother left me a very, very small amount of money (about 20k) and I pretty much ate and drank it. And shopped it. I totally spiraled down into total debauch. By the time I came up for air, I had gained all the weight back and then some. I was hitting 300 lbs.

I turned it around again for a little while, right around the time I met Matthew and we started dating. But it was not for long. Ironically, he and I did something really great and hard to do together, that made me gain weight -- we quit smoking cigarettes. And I packed on 25 lbs. I wouldn't go back, and in fact I gave myself carte blanche to eat my way through quitting. And boy did I. That guy up there in the necklace and the nice tan -- he was a 36 waist and wearing a men's medium. Today I can barely button my 40 waist and everything is XXL again.

OK - actually -- I wore a 38 waist yesterday for the first time in like a year. So, it's working. And since I have been walking every day and eating salads again, my belly is getting smaller. The number on the scale isn't dropping as fast as I'd like, but I am feeling better. And I'm enjoying making healthy changes, which is a first. I feel bogged down and vaguely sick now when I fill up on crackers and dip, instead of secretly telling myself I deserved a treat. Ick.

I don't know what's different this time, but I've changed my mind somehow. It's the same as I felt when we quit smoking this last time -- I just stopped. No patches. No gum (well, I did eat a lot of Altoids.) And no problems, I just stopped smoking, I was ready. I'd changed my mind about it. And that is how I feel about losing weight and getting fit this time -- I am that person now. It might be a while before it shows on the outside, but that's ok. I'm not doing it to get noticed.

OK, Weight Watcher's warned me...

BLAH. OMG.

OK, so last Wednesday I got a warning message from Weight Watchers that I am loosing weight too fast. At the time, I was all, Whatever, sure I've been going way below my points once in a while, but it will level out.

Sure as hell is "leveling out." Here's what leveling out looks like:

So, I knew I wasn't eating enough. Still continued not eating enough.

Yesterday, I was so hungry I ate almost double my daily points, the equivalent of 5 full meals, like I used to eat every day. I couldn't help it, I was literally starving, I know how my body feels when it starts to go into calorie deficit and it's gonna get some food, period.

Whatever, I gave myself permission to eat all day yesterday. For real, the week prior, I literally ate half what my body is accustomed to, way too little food. As I said in the last post, 3 days I went down to like 50% of my daily points. That's pretty dramatic.

Anyway, this leads us to today. Today, I have uncomfortable gas, I feel bloated and groggy, and I have had to shit like 6 times. In spite of this, I have also been "hungry" all day, even though my belly is full. Oi. So, I stretched my stomach out with all that food. Gotta curb cravings now....... *headdesk*

Tomorrow, we may be leveled out. More likely Tuesday before I feel adjusted again.

I'll learn someday.

Weigh-In Wednesday - Lost 3 lbs, 14 lbs. total

239, lost 3 lbs., 14 lbs total lost.
Also took my measurements, which I am tracking monthly:

• Upper Arm: 15 inches, gained 2 inches around my bicep
• that's good, it means the free weights are working
• Chest: 44 inches, lost 3 inches around my chest - excellent!
• Neck: 17.5, lost 1/2 an inch around my neck
• that is good, but I knew it was going to be a small result; I tried on my one-time favorite, every-day worn necklace that used to rest in the hollow of my throat and it was almost like a choker. LOL I thought, "Oh damn, still got some work to do..."
• Waist: 50.5, lost 1.5 inches around my belly -- awesome!
• Calves: 16 inches, lost 1 inch
• my activity level has increased, so I guess my calves were fat.
• Thigh: 25 inches, lost 1 inch off my thighs
• BMI: 31.5, still too high, but that is a 1.9% LOSS, down from 33.4

So, the observation I've been making lately is actually true. I've been noticing that my pants don't ride down as bad the last week or so. My belly is so big it pushes them down unless I cinch my belt until it's painful. I used to do that, but I can't any more. Anyway, the last few days I've noticed a marked drop in how often I have to hitch up my pants, and after I use the bathroom and re-set my wardrobe, I noticed it stays fixed for longer, easier. 

I'm very pleased with that. I hate fidgeting with my clothes all the time. It makes me self-conscious.

Also, reached an awesome Milestone with Weight Watchers, my 5% weight goal, meaning I have lost 5% of my starting weight. 

The reason that screen shot is cropped so high is because I want to celebrate my weight loss and my happiness at the success. However, there was also a warning that I am "losing weight too fast." Weight Watchers doesn't want you to lose more than 2 lbs. / week, and my average is 3.5 lbs a week.

I did go under plan a couple days last week, only ate about half of my points. And I was very hungry the following day both times because of it. However, even that feels kinda good: I have to eat more because my weigh loss is too dramatic. 

Not smoking cigarettes is also going very well. This Friday, October 10th will be 28 days, and I will be moving on to Step 3 with the nicotine patches. 2 more weeks wearing a lower does patch, and then I am technically done with them. At this time, I am feeling I don't care if I wear a nicotine patch the rest of my life, I'm not gonna smoke cigarettes. 

However, it is also getting easier and easier every day. My lifestyle routines are really adapted to not smoking. I am still using my e-cig a little bit. I am going through 1 disposable a week, which is about the equivalent of 1 pack of cigarettes in terms of how long they last. I don't use it at all in the morning, don't even think of it, except as something that has to go in my pocket because I want to use it at the end of my work day. 

I am going to try to go off the patch obviously. But, I might keep some in the house in case I freak out and start considering actually smoking. That's more than 2 weeks away anyway. My body memory of smoking cigarettes is going away really fast, it will be very diminished by then.

I am also feeling like a million bucks. I've got more energy. My house is cleaner. I'm taking better care of my body. I am starting to look forward to exercising instead of it feeling like a chore. I'm so pleased with all of it, I am starting to trust that I am making a lifelong change. It's still all a work in progress, but I'm enjoying doing it.

Goals for next week:

• Stay on plan, including eating enough (oddly enough... LOL)
• Keep working on my physical environment
• I didn't realize how disgusting my house was and I'm busy, so it's taking some time
• Work out 5 days

Major Wake-Up Calls -- I'm Back

So, it's been about a year since I fell off the wagon.

Had quite a few wakeup calls lately.

First off, I'm getting too fat for my clothes. And I threw away all my "fat clothes" 3 years ago when I was down to 185 lbs. A good half of my dress shirts don't fit me, and some of my t-shirts and polos are getting to where my belly hangs out of them unless I wear a t-shirt under, tucked in. I've also noticed I'm starting to have trouble with my knees again, which is a sure sign I am packing on the weight. I've gained most of it in my belly, although my double chin is coming back too.

I weigh 253 lbs. as of yesterday. It's bad. My BMI 33.4.
14 months ago when I was at my best in terms of being on track, I was back down to 226 and 29.8 BMI, so I've put on 27 lbs. and added 3.6 points to my BMI. Meaning, I've been steadily gaining 2 lbs. a month. Overall, from my lowest adult weight in the spring of 2011, of 185 lbs. / 24.4 BMI, I've gained back 68 lbs.

Smoking...

I am quitting smoking tomorrow. I don't know why the hell I ever started again. I quit for 4 months in 2010, seriously why did I ever pick up a cigarette again?? I woke up last night in the middle of the night because I was wheezing so loud it woke me up. Today I will go get some nicotine patches. Tomorrow I will put one on when I wake up. Today is my last day as a smoker forever. I'm quitting for good this time. It will be the 3rd serious try.

... and drinking.

It is no coincidence that my serious weight gain directly correlates to the fact that my drinking has stepped back up to Good Old Days Levels almost. And the more I drink, the more I progressively give myself permission to -- meaning, the less and less I care about it. BUT, it isn't the Good Old Days any more, and I'm 42, and fat, and I smoke. Drinking takes a much heavier toll on me than it did back in the day.

In truth, I am considering going to an AA meeting. I don't want to drink any more. If I could just drink a beer or a glass of wine after dinner that would be fine. But I don't drink just one. I get drunk every time I drink. It's been very hard for me to consider even admitting I might have a problem. But yeah... the drinking is definitely facilitating my weight gain, and it makes me feel shitty, gives me problems sleeping, you name it. It's time to get that part of my life over with.

Today I re-joined Weight Watchers Online, and it was quite a wakeup call of its own. I went to the food tracker and entered a hypothetical day -- a typical day for me. And I found I was using ALL my points for the entire week, including DOUBLE the "indulgence free points" they give you, in one day. It really opened my eyes to how far off my nutrition plan I've fallen. It's not how much I'm eating, it's WHAT I eat.

So, I'm back on the diet. I hate the word diet, but I'm back. My nutrition plan just got yanked back into place.

What makes me so aware of all this all of a sudden?

I'll tell you:

My mother has been in the hospital for 8 weeks this coming Sunday. It's the longest she has ever been in, and she is very sick. She is sicker than when she had bypass surgery. Her diabetes is worsening. She had another heart attack and then another minor one since being in the hospital. She is so weak she can't adjust her own position in the recliner she is in. She can't go to the bathroom without assistance, including someone cleaning her afterward. She is on oxygen and nebulizer treatments. And she is so fat she can't get comfortable. She is 14 inches shorter than me, but weight 30 lbs. more than me. I don't have any idea how long she will have to be hospitalized and at this point the goal is to get her well enough to go to a nursing home. Yes, a nursing home -- my mother is only 62.

THAT IS NOT HAPPENING TO ME

Diabetes and obesity killed my grandfather too. That should have been a wakeup call. But seeing my mother that way really has been. In terms of my habits and eating patterns and lack of exercise and weight gain as I get older, I am living the EXACT lifestyle that brought all of this on my mother. I cannot let that happen to me. It is not too late, yet. 

Anyway, I'm going to start writing in the blog again. I hope you all will still follow me.

Ah, not weird after all

Bit of a lapse since I posted.

I've had a lapse in my fitness routine, too, but that seems to have ended in the last two weeks. At any rate, I'm back on the wagon. I've come to accept about myself that I have to do a thing every day or I won't do it long term. So, I've scaled back my workout but have been doing it every day. Overall, I am much happier with my results -- I feel better, I'm not overworking myself, and I find I have no problem fitting it into my day.

But that's not what I wanted to talk about.

So, I recently discovered something I was doing isn't weird after all. In fact, lots of people do it.

What's that you ask? Working out in my underwear (at home, of course.)

I find I prefer it for a spectrum of reasons. I don't get as hot, and I don't create laundry in the form of sweat-soaked clothes. It also helps me because I can actually see my body while I work out, and I find that it helps me make better food choices after I work out; I am often hungry within 15-30 of exercise, and being in nothing but a pair of lycra shorts really helps me make good nutritional choices. I'm not gonna wolf down 2 ham & cheese sandwiches while my body is right there in front of me.

Anyway, I was feeling kinda weird about it, like what if someone came over and found me lifting weights in my slutty man underwear? Is it weird? Do I just get a thrill from it? Then, I was reading one of my FB groups and someone asked on the page, "Do you guys work out in your underwear, or do you think that's weird?" Basically every person responded with some version of what I said above, yes because it helps me.

So what do you think? Anyone? Do you work out in your underwear? I know some of you have nice enough bodies that you can pretty much wear underwear to the gym, but I'm not there yet. I will be. I'm not sure I would be that guy in all spandex at the gym, but it would be nice to know I could.

I've lost 2 inches off my belly

Good news.

I just broke my own rule and measured my belly NOT on the 1st of the month. (I am trying to only take my measurements monthly.)

Anyway, I was very pleased to see that I have lost a total of 2 inches off my belly circumference. And that means I've lost 1 1/4" since I last measured myself 3 weeks ago and had lost 3/4 of an inch. Which means it coincides with the timeframe that I got the elliptical and started serious cardio every day.

That's almost double the fat loss from dieting alone. 

 I think that was the final piece of the puzzle. That's some real, empirical proof that it's working. Ya know? I was starting to doubt myself really bad, like.... is it all in my head? Have I just convinced myself that it's working so I don't have to feel bad about failing? But no. It really is working. That's fantastic.

So that's it. Either today or tomorrow I am going to go join the Y.

maybe it's time to join a gym

OK.

So my elliptical is broken.

The bolt that connects the left pedal to the fly wheel is stripped, so bad they couldn't re-fit it at the auto shop. Plus, it is a "left handed" specialty bolt that basically can only be replaced by the company that makes the elliptical. I tried the electric tape around the bolt head thing -- nope, it held for about 10 seconds and slam it was off again. Blah, blah, blah, I could go on and on about how I've spent almost all of my day except when I was at work either driving store to store trying to get it fixed, or at home trying to McGyver it.... it's broken, that's that.

So -- do I, a) buy another one so that one can break too in 3 weeks, or b) buy an even more expensive one and hope it doesn't break, c) buy a different cardio machine, or d) say f--k it and go join a gym?

I feel like I am on a precipice where my whole fitness and health goals are about to fall apart. When it happened this morning -- like 90 seconds into my workout -- I felt so discouraged that right at that moment I said, "Fine, I give up. WTF?? Is fate against me??" I finally find the motivation to put serious dedication into working out, like legitimate working out -- including spending a significant chunk of money on home workout equipment..... I mean, really???? I swear it feels like one of those "well that's just how my life always goes" moments, you know what I mean?

In addition to this, I have also gained weight. Gained. I'm doing my elliptical 5-6 days a week for 30 min a day and I gained weight. Around 4 lbs., which is minor, but still, that combined with my elliptical breaking and I was like, "Are you kidding me? Is this really happening?" I just had that feeling, that sinking feeling in my chest, like no matter what I do it fails. I've done this right, all of it, by the book and I've applied myself to the point that I don't feel right unless I get my workout in. Really? Me? Kyle the Fat Kid needs to work out to feel ok?

Demons begone, right?

So throughout the day at work as I was mulling over the situation.....

I realized that I was going to do something about it. I'm not going to give up.

I went to Wal-Mart after work and looked at cardio equipment. And as I was looking at them, considering just saying fuck it and buying either another elliptical or bike or something, I kept thinking to myself, I should just buck up and get over my thing about the gym and go join the Y. I did talk myself into walking over to the DIY section and getting some McGyver materials before I just bought another one, so I came home with electric tape, galvanized wire and bungee cords. (None of that worked.) However, even before my attempted solution failed, I still kept having that back burner conversation with myself about the gym.

I just have issues with the gym. I feel so uncomfortable working out in front of other people.

But, I also think I can get over that. I've found that since I quit smoking, I can work out a lot longer and a lot harder and since I have been also doing strength training I can lift more. I think I will be able to just focus on my workout and not be so worried that I look dumb or people are staring at me or whatever. I also think that having a variety of equipment and training options and a fully set up gymnasium at my disposal would be awesome.

Anyway.... I think that covers it. I'm gonna mull it over for another day or two.

30 Day Report

Wow, I haven't written in 2 1/2 weeks.

Well let's see. July 1st has come and gone, so my 30 day trial run is completed. Really more like 5 weeks. I knew it was going to take me a full month to get a real sense of how I was going to make it work. And a couple times I have really felt like it was another false start, but instead I seem to have made it work.

I only lost 1 pound. However, in the course of the month I actually gained 5 lbs. over my starting weight, so I actually lost 6 lbs. but only a net loss of 1.

Smoking cigarettes: still quit and over the first serious almost-relapse, which I am pretty happy about. I've smoked a few real cigarettes (versus my eCig) over the month but each time it has tasted and felt disgusting to me and even though I smoked the whole thing, it reminded me how glad I was that I didn't smoke any more. I had one evening with friends and a few too many drinks where I had an evening long relapse. And after that, I think 3 days in a row, I smoked one real cigarette a day. This coincided with me having a little summer cold, and being extremely fatigued from an endless 2 weeks at work, and I was just so beat down and my willpower was wrecked, blah blah blah. Anyway, I said to myself, I feel like I'm gonna buy a pack of cigarettes. I have to deal with this. So, I whipped up some more backbone and just made myself stop. I'm back on the eCig all the time again. I do find I am smoking the eCig a lot less too, sometimes at home I go all night without thinking about it. The real cigarette incidents were just that, incidents where I buckled in a stressful situation -- work has been a shitstorm, and I was working with a cold through it. It was always at work. However, overall, I pronounce quitting smoking basically handled.

I have struggled with some real emotional sabotage from myself. It's very defeating -- for example -- to get on the scale after you've worked out every day and followed your goals, and find you gained 3 lbs. That was a hard one, there were others. Like the night I totally caved and gave myself permission to eat a meal and half worth of food at midnight. The day after that, I actually said out loud to myself, "That's it, I failed, right? It's over?" And also when I went 4 days without doing any cardio or weight training whatsoever; after that little episode, I felt really like, ok this is it, I'm off the wagon, I know what's gonna happen, oh well it was a nice try. Oddly though, it's like I could actually really feel it coming over me like a pall or a filter, and each time I just said to myself, No, that is not gonna happen. I've taken those little failures and managed to channel the negative energy into motivation to do it right, and it's worked.

Of course, I wanted to just magically waste away to 175 lbs. and equally mysteriously somehow develop a big, bulked up chest and arms. But it doesn't work that way. Over the month, I've seen the direct effect of even a minimal fitness regimen. On the weeks where I have been consistent in my workouts I've also noticed decreased appetite in general, better sleep, and stable weight loss. Duh.

I have started to see some differences in my body. Nothing photo worthy yet, but in particular, I have noticed that my ass is getting cuter, which for me means bigger 'cause I have no ass. Apparently I have some now, and I'm going to have more. And I have noticed my arms starting to get some definition, and I can feel that my pecs and lats are building, although it's not very noticeable yet, it will be. So actually, I have no idea how much weight I might have for real, because I am definitely gaining muscle. My legs, in particular my thighs, are also starting to get really defined -- I already had ok legs, but they are starting to look really fit even to me.

I bought an elliptical and it turns out I love it. Who knew jogging stairs was what would work for me? I can jog 6 mph on it with the tension 2/3 of the way up for 15 min already, and I've only been using it 2 weeks. The curve was almost straight up, too. The first day I used it, I only made it two minutes and I had to do it one minute at a time. But I was up to 20 minutes within a couple days, first 20 min in 2 sessions at a moderate pace, and by this week I was up to the hard jog for 15 min after a 5 min warmup. I think I can take it up to 30 min pretty soon. For whatever reason, I took to the elliptical naturally. In fact, I know I can take it to 30 min because I've done 45 a couple days in multiple sessions, but I set my goal -- 20 minutes at this point, and I try to consider anything I so over goal to be gravy.

Same with my weight training. I'm sticking to my goals with the free weights, they have stayed the same the whole month which is fine with me. I'm still having a hard time finishing the reps in some of the sets, so I'm staying put until the sets are too easy. However, I do also do a little bit over goal every day, and a couple days I've tripled my sets, but again, I treat it like gravy. I was wicked sore the next day, and I don't want to make myself so sore I can't work out. Any activity at all is more than I was doing before.

So, overall, in spite of some setbacks, in fact possible because of them, I think I am on the road to resetting my physical lifestyle. I'm very proud of myself that I have managed to incorporate breakfast back into my diet -- I have drank a fresh fruit smoothie every single day but one, and that day I was groggy and cranky and I knew it was because I didn't make my smoothie. And it has helped me to feel hungry ealier in the day too, because instead of my body just being in starvation / fasting mode, I can actually tell my stomach is empty and I'm hungry. Weird that eating helps you control your eating, right? It's weird stuff, and even though the info is right there everywhere you look, it never clicked in my head before like this. I've never succeeded at this for a whole month before. Like, I feel like I really am making a sea change in my life. My personality of course is still mine, but I have felt like I am changing who I am.

At this point I am willing to say, not only will I look good in a tight t-shirt, I'm gonna have a hot body. It might take me a year, in fact I planned it to, but yeah. Hot body.

You get up, you get back on the horse

OK, so of course I had to go and brag about how I'd gotten my night eating under control. Then last night (including alcohol) I ate 3161 calories after midnight and then went and passed out. Woke up 6 lbs. heavier this morning. 6 pounds.

I know I didn't actually gain 6 real pounds, it's water retention and a couple pounds of food still going through my GI tract, but I can pretty much guarantee tomorrow I'll see the actual net gain from it, which will probably be a pound or even two.

I've had an interesting week. From the combination of tracking my calories / eating and holding to my no night eating rule I observed something amazing: as long as I didn't eat at night, like no later than 7 or 8 pm, I lost weight every day. It almost didn't matter what I ate during the day within reason, as long as I didn't eat too late into the evening, I was consistently dropping .5 to 1 lb. a day.

I also observed that on the days I "did it right" and ate the most of my calories, protein, carbs and fat early in the day, and focused on high fiber and complex carbs later in the day, it was much easier to control the urge to eat at night, and easier to make the right choices if I did eat anything. It made it sink in a little more the actual importance of eating when you're "dieting" -- it's not a "diet" if it doesn't include food. Starving yourself by skipping meals or excessive fasting, coupled with infrequent huge meals (usually two a day, right?) makes your body go into a low-level shock because your hypothalamus starts sending out survival signals to your body, triggering fat-generation mode. It really is really bad, a total "diet" killer. Your body is capable of converting almost any nutrient into fat to store the nutrition. Eating more frequently, and eating most of your protein, carbs and fat early in the day keeps your body fed and lets your metabolism work right.

I had an object lesson this week in how well it can work, and how ugly it can be when you fall off the wagon. 6 pounds worth of a lesson. I was horrified when I got on the scale this morning.

I have stayed on track with my fitness goals though. Interestingly even on the days I went a little retrograde in terms of my nutritional plan, I still got my cardio and weight training done. I have done one or the other every day, and both every day about 2 out of 3, not bad. My pecs and my deltoid and tricep are the ones that hurt. I have a pretty decent bicep, always have, although it has been way better before. And you really have to tighten up your tricep or you can't really see the bicep definition, and the tricep is where you get the grandma wing. I'm starting to see and feel a positive difference in my upper body, both in strength and in muscle shape, and it's very encouraging. It makes me actually like the burn. "That pain you feel today is the strength you will feel tomorrow."

Anyway, it's been a mixed bag this past week or thereabouts. Overall, I had a great week, stayed on my nutritional goals, got my fitness goals in every day, but then I really crashed & burned yesterday. It was not even a backslide, it was a total reversion. I didn't eat all day, then at about 4 pm, I ordered way too much food out after work, then starved myself again for almost 8 hours and ended up eating directly out of the refrigerator at 12:30.

I choose to take it as a lesson. I try to focus on the successes, and there were plenty, particularly in getting to the top of the curve on understanding and internalizing it all. Every failure I've experienced so far has served to reinforce why I need to do this. For some reason, I've been able to see why each failure has happened and what the consequences were, and channel my disappointment into motivation to do it right. It's working, but every time I have a bad day I really have to work through it with myself and keep reminding myself it's just a setback, not the end of the plan. You get up, you get back on the horse.

Night Eating Syndrome?

So, I've always had a problem with late night eating. I've always considered it a bad habit. Turns out it might be more than just a habit, it could actually be related to hormone levels, and it is also a syndrome that has scholarly research backing it.

Turns out NES (Night Eating Syndrome) was actually defined as a legitimate psychological syndrome in 1955, but little research was ever done until the 1990's. As of this time, it is being proposed for inclusion in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

Reading the description of the syndrome is like reading about myself. Basically, every bullet point is right on track with my own behaviors:

People who suffer from Night Eating Syndrome generally:

• Skip breakfast, and go several hours after waking before their first meal.

• Consume at least 25% of their calories after dinner.

• Late-night binges almost always consist of consuming carbohydrates. (Carbohydrates tend to shoot messages to the brain to produce serotonin, which induces sleep.) However, this eating is typically spread over several hours, which is not consistent with a typical eating binge as evidenced by other eating disorders. Episodes of late-night binge-eating can be repeated throughout the night, with many separate visits to the fridge or cupboard.

• Suffer from depression or anxiety, often in connection with their eating habits.

• Affect and arousal decrease throughout the day with the lowest levels being in the middle of night-eating episodes.

• These night eating episodes typically bring guilt rather than hedonistic enjoyment.

• Have trouble sleeping in general.

• Are more likely than the general public to sleepwalk.

I don't sleep walk, as far as I know, but otherwise, that is exactly me. The one that really snapped my attention was the skipping breakfast thing. I know that is a very common dieting no-no and a lot of people do it, but I always have. I've always known that I was skipping breakfast because I wasn't really hungry -- I am still satisfied in the morning from my late night eating. But I've always rationalized it away by saying, "Well, you know caffeine is a major appetite suppressant." Um, yeah. People drink coffee and still manage to eat breakfast.

Also, I have often said that I "binge eat." I don't binge eat in the typical way, but I find very often that my evening "snack" really (at least calorie-wise) becomes the equivalent of another whole meal, or even two whole meals. I can easily consume 1000 calories before bedtime, and almost always it is through, "many separate visits to the fridge." Even though that is not typical binge eating behavior, I have always felt that is what it is, and I have struggled with it because I truly feel sometimes that I can't control it. 

The real problem for me is that the situation is counter-intuitive. For example, when I was doing Weight Watchers, I would save a lot of my "points" for night time, so I could still get my late night satisfaction and not go over my points allotment for the day. This always let me to being hungry during the day though, or eating food that wasn't what I really wanted like an all-veggie salad with no dressing as my main meal of the day. Sure, it's low-points (on WW) but it also wasn't satisfying me, nor was it delivering the protein and carbs that I needed to get through my day, which in turn caused me to load up on bread, cheese, crackers, dips, etc -- all those high carb comfort foods that we all love -- at night. Sure, I technically stayed on my "diet" but not really. What I was (am) really doing is justifying and accommodating my binge eating. When I eat more during the day, I really am able to better control the late night eating. It's just a matter of doing it. Those old, conditioned behaviors are hard to get on top of. 

Above, I have linked to Wikipedia.

Here is the actual scholarly research: International Journal of Obesity

And here is a related study about NES being related to Depression, Weight Gain, Low Self Esteem, and Sleep Disorders: From the Wiley Online Library

5 Foods To Never Eat

Very good presentation about 5 foods that we are told all the time are healthy for us, that really aren't.

Note, it is a commercial for a paid service, and it is a little long, but it really is a GREAT presentation.

5 Foods To Never Eat

Day 3

Ug, weighed in this morning at 233.4, meaning I gained 1.8 lbs. Actually had to adapt my nutrition and fitness goals on SparkPeople because it caused my BMI to go up.

I have no doubt what caused the weight gain. It's called a "beer belly" for a reason. Not only did I drink with Lysa, I drank more when I got home and this also caused a lapse in the vegetarian diet too. Some late-night chicken nuggets with bbq sauce.

I really am going to have to eliminate alcohol from my diet.

OK. No more drinking at home. If I do drink, I will drink wine or hard liquor, not beer. And I will limit myself to 1 only. This goal applies for at least 30 days. We will re-evaluate then.

Doing really well on not smoking. No problems. eCig rocks.

Fitness for the day: managed 10 push-ups, 15 sit-ups and 10 minutes cardio jogging.

I feel frustrated today, but I managed to channel that frustration into some fitness work. I really want to see a weight drop. I know I am eating more because of not smoking, but it was really the booze plus the compromised willpower that led me to basically binge eat some chicken nuggets. OK, with ranch too, not just bbq.

It's only day 3. I'd like to at least get back down to my starting weight by Day 7, which was 230.6 lbs., which is 2.8 lbs. It's aggressive, and more than I would normally recommend losing in a week, but for the first week, sure a 3-5 lb drop would be nice.

That's it, I'm doing it. 230 lbs. here we come.

Push-Ups Challenge

The Push-Up Challenge
a.k.a.: turn my man boobs into nice pecs

So, not only have I always wanted to "look good in a tight t-shirt," I have also always wanted to have a nice chest, which arguably is the most important cosmetic aspect of LGIATT ("look good in a tight tee,") right? You still admire a guy who has nice pecs, even if he has a little paunch in the middle.

To this end, I first started with researching what causes man boobs. It's easy to assume it is just fat, but that is not it; yes, the moob itself is fat and loose skin, but the cause is more complex than that, and could be different for every man. In short, lack of exercise and poor nutritional combinations -- specifically drinking beer -- give men a hormonal imbalance from increased aromatase enzyme that actually converts Testosterone to Estrogen, and ta-da! a moob appears. The article I link to above goes much deeper into the issue, and covers the more complex bits I've left out here.

I was already considering eliminating alcohol from my diet. *sigh*

Armed with my new understanding of where my moobs came from, I intrepidly Google, "How do I get rid of my man boobs?" Skipped over a few results and zeroed in on WikiHow.com thinking, Good a place as any to start, and not as annoying and full of snarky assholes as Yahoo Answers usually is. Much to my satisfaction, I was directed to this article: 3 Ways To Get Bigger Chest Muscles. #1 of course is, "Do Push Ups." As they plainly point out, "This often-neglected exercise focuses on building up your shoulder and upper chest muscles."

I already knew this. And, in fact, I did 4 push-ups last week and was sore for 2 days after, in my pecs and my lats. LOL, pathetic, right?

So here's the goal: I will take the sad man boobs on the left and transform them into the hot chest on the right

Let's not even talk about the abs in that picture. Um, yeah... probably never. But, I do know that I can achieve the goal of having nice, well developed pecs and shoulders. My build is already large and I've always had wide shoulders.

So, here's the Push-Ups Challenge: I will do push-ups every day. I will start today with as many as I can do without extreme fatigue. I will try to do 1 more every successive day, until I can do what they suggest in the WikiHow article: 3 reps of 15 push-ups. Then, we'll re-evaluate from there.

Day 1

Me at 230 lbs. - June 1st, 2013

Well, here it is. Me shirtless.

Today is June 1st, 2013, I weighed myself this morning at 230.8 lbs.

Here's a little scoop: 

I said I was going to quit smoking by the time I was 40, which was last August. I'll be 41 on my birthday this summer.  I quit smoking for 4 months in the winter of '09-'10, and as soon as I picked it up again I said I would quit again, that was 3 years ago. Then this January, I saw this news story, from CBS about a medical study claiming if you quit smoking by age 40, you can reverse all of the health effects of smoking. And I thought, That's it, I'm doing it. If I quit while I'm still 40, I'm counting it. 

So, about 5 days ago I bought an eCigarette and started aggressively weening myself off tobacco. I smoked one final pack of cigarettes, 2-5 a day until they were gone. I knew I couldn't keep them and not smoke them, so yesterday I smoked the last 9 in the pack. I also went out for a beer after work and I smoked 3 of my friend's cigarettes too. So today, June 1st, is my first day entirely tobacco free. So far I've had no problems at all, a few mild cravings, but the eCig really does the trick. When I quit before I used the patch (transdermal) and it worked for me just fine, but I think I like the eCig even better because I still get the ritual of smoking, as well as the social aspect. And the eCig itself is a nice conversation piece. At any rate, yay me! As of today I am tobacco free.

I have also decided that I am going to be vegetarian again.

I was a vegetarian from late 1993 - sometime in 1999, I don't remember the exact time frame that I started eating meat again, it just kind of crept back in. Being vegetarian really agreed with me, and I took to the diet easily. I also lost a lot of weight on a vegetarian diet, which was the only thing that changed in my lifestyle at the time. Honestly, every time I have ever given consideration to losing weight, I have remembered that and said, "Gee, I should try that again." Well, duh. So, let's actually try it. Therefore, I decided that beginning today, June 1st, I am going to be vegetarian again. 

Technically I am a Flexitarian, which is a vegetarian who occasionally eats meat. Even when I was a "vegetarian" before, this is actually what I was. Then, I still ate shellfish and tuna, and once in a while bacon would be too much of a temptation to resist. This time, I have simply given myself permission to eat meat if I want to. I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

I have challenged myself to start off my vegetarian diet with a twist though. I've decided to try being vegan for the first 7 days. Overall, I am not willing to exclude dairy from my diet, but I like the idea of an all-vegetable fast to start out my new diet. Eating vegan for a week will give my GI tract a nice scrubbing.

Today was also Day 1 of what I am calling my "vegan fast." So far, I have eaten: coffee, 1 large Granny Smith apple, 1 cup of green seedless grapes, and 1 Amy's Indian Samosa Wrap. I felt very full after the meal, but now about 2 hours later, I feel hungry again. I am going to make myself a Boca burger wrap I think with lots of veggies and some rice.... or maybe barley, or a mix of both.

I skipped breakfast today, big no-no, and one I often commit. I vow to eat breakfast.

Still haven't done any cardio today, but as soon as I post this, I am going to do 15 minutes of Zumba on TV.

About coffee. I might have to start drinking it black again. I use low-fat non-dairy creamer and Splenda, but that creamer is still loaded with empty carbs, plus it has aluminum in it -- did you know, if you throw the stuff on a flame it will spark bright green? The Splenda I can probably still use. 

I try not to eat any white sugar. Many members of my family are diabetic, and I have seen some of the warning signs in myself. That is one of the big motivators that has made me finally take my health seriously. My grandfather was very sick with diabetes and it definitely was the main cause of his death, and my mother is diabetic as well. I don't want to be diabetic, and I realized that the only person who is capable of changing my lifestyle is me. So, here we are, blogging about it.