Blog relaunch

Almost 2 years since I wrote anything, three since I was serious about it.

So, I'm back. Started tracking my diet and exercise a little over a month ago, May 20th, 2017. At that time I was at least 290 lbs., maybe more. One-hundred pounds (yes, 100 lbs.) over my goal weight.

I've re-calibrated my goals to lose that 100 lbs by my 46th birthday which will be August 21, 2018 -- 15 months from when I started (this time...) That will require me to lose about 1.5 lbs / wk. which equals cutting about 750 calories a day below my BMR (basic metabolic rate, or the calories required to maintain my current weight.)

My current BMR based on my age, weight and activity level is about 2900 calories, so I am trying to stay in the 2100-2200 calorie range for now. I find if I eat less than 2000 calories I end up compensating with something like an entire bag of Doritos the next day, which appears as a 2 lb. jump on the scale the next day.

I've had to accept that I am not going to have some huge weight dump like I did last time. I'm over 40 (will be 45 in a minute) and quite overweight, and very out of shape, and it's slow going to get a train that big, going that fast in one direction to stop and start heading the other way. What I'm hoping is that it will get easier as I go, instead of how it has been in past attempts: big weight drop right away, lots of success and patting myself on the back from all the praise I got from my friends, and then... a plateau that I never got past, followed by a collapse back to my bad, old ways.

I have been walking to work every day, and home from work almost every day, which is 1 mile each way with a pretty steep uphill climb on both ends. I have also been strength training at home, and have stuck to my every-other-day (or two days in a row with 2 rest days) for six weeks now, which is a record for me. I've also been taking the stairs at work with a once-daily allowed elevator trip, and some days I don't use the elevator at all.

I've noticed some improvements right away:

• I'm sleeping better
• I find myself looking forward to the walk every morning (sometimes trudging home uphill after work is still a challenge...)
• My cardio conditioning is coming back -- I don't need any breaks on the morning walk any more (was 2) and only one (was 3) on the way home
• My Instagram is active again because I see things on my morning walk to take pics of every day
• I've started to like my strength training routine, which I just allowed to develop organically
• I'm finding that for some reason, this time around, I feel accountable to myself, and it's working -- I catch myself sliding on some goal (usually the weights workout) and I think, If I don't do it, I'm giving up. And I can't stand that, so I do it.

About this self-accountability thing:

I can't count how many times in my life I've looked back at some failed exercise or fitness attempt and thought to myself, "Well that was [however many years or even decades] ago, imagine if I'd been doing that every day since then..." And then I move on to some other topic that is easier to talk about, like television or my pets. I've finally come around to realizing that it really is my fault. I chose not to do those sit-ups. I chose to eat mayo right out of the jar. I chose to blame locker room bullies for why I am still fat 30 years later. I chose to close my eyes.

My eyes popped open when I saw this picture:

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Who the fuck is that fat guy?? Oh, shit. That's me in November 2016 (eight months ago.)

Where'd THIS GUY go?? From 2011??

(And I thought I was fat back then....)

That picture for some reason, really put it into perspective. I knew I was gaining weight. The blue shirt I'm wearing in the pic on the right above doesn't even button anymore -- it was loose on me in that pic. It was my favorite shirt, the go-to for a date or the bar. Same for the red v-neck next to it: last time I tried it on, it was tight like spandex and I couldn't pull it all the way over my belly. Also that necklace with the cross perfect in the dip of my clavicle won't go around my neck any more, I couldn't wear it if I wanted to. I am literally not that person any more, and I hate that.

Not saying I hate myself. In fact, I think I have come to love and respect myself way more than I did when either of those "skinny pics" were taken. Back then I thought I was as fat as I truly am now. I thought I was unhappy because of my weight, when the truth of course is the other way around. And I thought that losing weight was going to fix all my other problems, too.

I will now offer all the justifications I have for gaining 100 lbs. (Yes, I was at my goal weight back then, just needed to tone up some saggy places...)

I moved back to Maine in 2012 to care for my ailing mother, and my aging grandmother (whom my mother was no longer able to care for alone.) I was still a wreck from getting dumped by my rebound fling -- which was supposed to be medicine for the end of a horrible 5 year train wreck of a relationship -- and instead just messed me up worse. (For some reason I just fell apart when it did.) I had crash landed here with less than $500 in the bank, no job, and a place to live I couldn't afford. That first winter I really suffered. I was stressed about money constantly, wasn't sleeping, was drinking more and more heavily all the time, and living on restaurant food (burgers, fries and greasy everything.)

The winter of '12-'13 alone, I think I gained 30 lbs. I kinda freaked out about that the following summer, and I was getting my sea legs being back here, so to speak. I bought an elliptical and joined Weight Watchers and lost a dozen pounds. A year went by and I stayed about there, still not happy with my weight or my appearance, and still probably gaining a little, too. I stopped exercising.

Then in 2014 the shit hit the fan. My mother went into the hospital July 3rd, 2014 with her 3rd heart attack and never came out -- she was in either the hospital or a nursing home for 5 months, then died in December. Two months later, in February 2015, my phone rang at 9:30 pm and I was told by a nursing home worker that my grandmother had just died. Three years later I am just starting to be able to see all that in the rear-view.

The first year after it all happened is truthfully a drunk blur. I started drinking every day, getting drunk every day, mixing wine and shots of hard liquor. And when I wasn't getting drunk (or working, I did work...) I was eating my way through it: mac & cheese, Thai and Chinese takeout by the bushel, think nothing of having 4 cheese sandwiches for dinner and still eat a box of Cheez-Its while I watch TV in the recliner. My mother left me a very, very small amount of money (about 20k) and I pretty much ate and drank it. And shopped it. I totally spiraled down into total debauch. By the time I came up for air, I had gained all the weight back and then some. I was hitting 300 lbs.

I turned it around again for a little while, right around the time I met Matthew and we started dating. But it was not for long. Ironically, he and I did something really great and hard to do together, that made me gain weight -- we quit smoking cigarettes. And I packed on 25 lbs. I wouldn't go back, and in fact I gave myself carte blanche to eat my way through quitting. And boy did I. That guy up there in the necklace and the nice tan -- he was a 36 waist and wearing a men's medium. Today I can barely button my 40 waist and everything is XXL again.

OK - actually -- I wore a 38 waist yesterday for the first time in like a year. So, it's working. And since I have been walking every day and eating salads again, my belly is getting smaller. The number on the scale isn't dropping as fast as I'd like, but I am feeling better. And I'm enjoying making healthy changes, which is a first. I feel bogged down and vaguely sick now when I fill up on crackers and dip, instead of secretly telling myself I deserved a treat. Ick.

I don't know what's different this time, but I've changed my mind somehow. It's the same as I felt when we quit smoking this last time -- I just stopped. No patches. No gum (well, I did eat a lot of Altoids.) And no problems, I just stopped smoking, I was ready. I'd changed my mind about it. And that is how I feel about losing weight and getting fit this time -- I am that person now. It might be a while before it shows on the outside, but that's ok. I'm not doing it to get noticed.

Weigh-In Wednesday -- Lost 4 lbs.

234 lbs., lost 4 lbs., total lost 19 lbs. so far.

Also took my measurements, which I am doing monthly:

Bicep: 15 inches, +2 since start

Chest: 43 inches, -4 since start

Neck: 17 inches, -1 since start

Waist: 48 inches, -4 since start

Calves: 16 inches, -1 since start

Thighs: 24.5 inches, -1.5 since start

*phew* I was worried I was gonna gain weight a second week, or not lose anything. I'm very relieved to see the scale going in the right direction again.

Well, so what was different this last week?

I didn't eat late at night.
I focused on my diet, not on the weight gain from 2 weeks ago
I was a lot more active

Still didn't have an ideal week. I skipped breakfast a couple days.

I have been drinking my breakfast smoothie again, though, which I like. It really does make a difference in terms of managing my hunger and helping me to eat earlier in the day.

It's still a learning process for me to internalize that -- the more quality nutrition I take in, earlier in the day, the less hungry I am by dinner time, so it is possible to eat a sensible sized dinner and not end up eating again before bed. Also, that allows me to be able to have an evening snack that doesn't grow into a meal of junk food before I'm done eating it.

I also have to give myself permission to eat a snack if I want. I am a salty snacker, always have been and it has been hard to keep snack foods since I started WW's again. Something like Cheez-Its or Doritos is obviously not gonna happen. I can't waste my points on a "binge food" like that. (I call them binge foods because they are snacks that I will eat the entire package in a single sitting.)

Anyway, I gave myself permission to buy some "Asian chex mix," as I call it. You know, those crunchy rice crackers that are flavored with soy and come in a few different types, all mixed. They're relatively low-fat and low-calorie compared to chips or wheat crackers, and they have a little bit of fiber. And more importantly, I can eat them as a snack, a couple handfuls and I'm good. They're not a binge food.

Oh right, and I treated myself to a really awesome, well deserved indulgence last week, much higher quality in every way than the McDonald's blunder two weeks ago:

I had Pad Thai. Mm. And the whole shebang, I ordered take-out from Bangkok Thai, also had spring rolls with it. As I said, a way higher quality indulgence in every way: I love Pad Thai first of all, even now thinking about it, I am drooling a little. And they made it exactly the way I like it best, as hot as possible and a little dry in terms of the sauce. Plus, since it was take-out (as opposed to sitting in the parking lot of McDonald's gobbling down a nasty burger and some crackfries) I also brought it home, put on my comfy clothes and ate it while I watched a scary movie. I also got a large, so it turned out to be enough that I ate it for dinner and finished it as my snack later on.  It did cost more ($16 versus $6 at McDs.) and it took more time, but that is also better in a way. The whole thing was an event in and of itself. I consciously chose it as my weekly indulgence, so the fact that it took some time and planning also increased my happiness with the overall experience. Plus, I got to flirt with the gorgeous Thai boy who waited on me (I walked in and ordered it, then went strolling around the 2 stores across the parking lot while they made it.) So, yeah, for $16 I got a very awesome dinner and a nice planned indulgence, with bonus man candy.

Fantastic. It's all back on track.

Goals for next week:

• Lose at least 1 lb.
• Make sure the weekly indulgence is both planned and quality
• Eat breakfast every day

Here's some images showing my monthly progress:

Weigh-In Wednesday

A day late. I was hiding from the Internet yesterday. Still am today. I am going to share this post to FB and disappear again. But it's part of my overall strategy to keep up on this blog, so here ya go.

Anyway, 239 lbs., 14 lbs. lost so far.

I did not lose any weight this past week.

I am disappointed, but I was also kind of expecting it. WW's did warn me that I was losing weight too fast, and two weeks ago I really did go way under plan and it caused me to be really hungry for days after.

Anyway, what did I learn this week?

• Stay on plan, not under
• Eat more, earlier in the day
• I didn't eat enough vegetables last week
• I ate french fries
• if I'm gonna have fries, I should just have them once, with a meal, not the all-week grazing I did this past week. Oops, it was a bad slip

Technically, I lost 2/10th of a pound. I have a digital scale, but I am tracking my weight in whole pounds. Two weeks ago I was 239.6 and this Wednesday, I was 239.4. LOL Hey, it's something.

Goals for next week:

• Lose at least 1 lb.
• Eat more vegetables, every day
• Eat more, earlier in the day
• Go for a walk

Cut your sandwiches in half

I've been cutting my sandwiches in half again. I've found it psychologically creates two sandwiches, without increasing the portion. It is working quite well. I've found it helps me to only eat one instead of two.

Weigh-In Wednesday - Lost 3 lbs, 14 lbs. total

239, lost 3 lbs., 14 lbs total lost.
Also took my measurements, which I am tracking monthly:

• Upper Arm: 15 inches, gained 2 inches around my bicep
• that's good, it means the free weights are working
• Chest: 44 inches, lost 3 inches around my chest - excellent!
• Neck: 17.5, lost 1/2 an inch around my neck
• that is good, but I knew it was going to be a small result; I tried on my one-time favorite, every-day worn necklace that used to rest in the hollow of my throat and it was almost like a choker. LOL I thought, "Oh damn, still got some work to do..."
• Waist: 50.5, lost 1.5 inches around my belly -- awesome!
• Calves: 16 inches, lost 1 inch
• my activity level has increased, so I guess my calves were fat.
• Thigh: 25 inches, lost 1 inch off my thighs
• BMI: 31.5, still too high, but that is a 1.9% LOSS, down from 33.4

So, the observation I've been making lately is actually true. I've been noticing that my pants don't ride down as bad the last week or so. My belly is so big it pushes them down unless I cinch my belt until it's painful. I used to do that, but I can't any more. Anyway, the last few days I've noticed a marked drop in how often I have to hitch up my pants, and after I use the bathroom and re-set my wardrobe, I noticed it stays fixed for longer, easier. 

I'm very pleased with that. I hate fidgeting with my clothes all the time. It makes me self-conscious.

Also, reached an awesome Milestone with Weight Watchers, my 5% weight goal, meaning I have lost 5% of my starting weight. 

The reason that screen shot is cropped so high is because I want to celebrate my weight loss and my happiness at the success. However, there was also a warning that I am "losing weight too fast." Weight Watchers doesn't want you to lose more than 2 lbs. / week, and my average is 3.5 lbs a week.

I did go under plan a couple days last week, only ate about half of my points. And I was very hungry the following day both times because of it. However, even that feels kinda good: I have to eat more because my weigh loss is too dramatic. 

Not smoking cigarettes is also going very well. This Friday, October 10th will be 28 days, and I will be moving on to Step 3 with the nicotine patches. 2 more weeks wearing a lower does patch, and then I am technically done with them. At this time, I am feeling I don't care if I wear a nicotine patch the rest of my life, I'm not gonna smoke cigarettes. 

However, it is also getting easier and easier every day. My lifestyle routines are really adapted to not smoking. I am still using my e-cig a little bit. I am going through 1 disposable a week, which is about the equivalent of 1 pack of cigarettes in terms of how long they last. I don't use it at all in the morning, don't even think of it, except as something that has to go in my pocket because I want to use it at the end of my work day. 

I am going to try to go off the patch obviously. But, I might keep some in the house in case I freak out and start considering actually smoking. That's more than 2 weeks away anyway. My body memory of smoking cigarettes is going away really fast, it will be very diminished by then.

I am also feeling like a million bucks. I've got more energy. My house is cleaner. I'm taking better care of my body. I am starting to look forward to exercising instead of it feeling like a chore. I'm so pleased with all of it, I am starting to trust that I am making a lifelong change. It's still all a work in progress, but I'm enjoying doing it.

Goals for next week:

• Stay on plan, including eating enough (oddly enough... LOL)
• Keep working on my physical environment
• I didn't realize how disgusting my house was and I'm busy, so it's taking some time
• Work out 5 days

Weigh-In Wednesday - Lost 3 lbs.

Sweet,
242 lbs., lost 3 lbs., overall lost 11 lbs. so far.

I just caught myself, arms crossed, looking out the window and nodding to myself, "It's working."

It is totally working. I have always been shocked by the cause and effect in my life, I'm not sure why. But especially when it's my own behavior, I'm always like, "OH! Duh...." Like right now. I changed my diet for real, not just for a day or two, and there is a resultant change in me. Huh.. who knew? LOL

I'm really pleased to see this result, because I felt like I went off the wagon a couple times this week. Truthfully though, I ate a cheese burger and fries one time, which is normal, right? Once a week you treat yourself to some meal like that.

So-so on my goals for the week: I did eat breakfast every day, but I only worked out twice (goal is 5 times a week.)

So goals for next week:

• I wanna try one completely new meal this week, something I've never thought of before
• Work out 5 days

30 Day Report

Wow, I haven't written in 2 1/2 weeks.

Well let's see. July 1st has come and gone, so my 30 day trial run is completed. Really more like 5 weeks. I knew it was going to take me a full month to get a real sense of how I was going to make it work. And a couple times I have really felt like it was another false start, but instead I seem to have made it work.

I only lost 1 pound. However, in the course of the month I actually gained 5 lbs. over my starting weight, so I actually lost 6 lbs. but only a net loss of 1.

Smoking cigarettes: still quit and over the first serious almost-relapse, which I am pretty happy about. I've smoked a few real cigarettes (versus my eCig) over the month but each time it has tasted and felt disgusting to me and even though I smoked the whole thing, it reminded me how glad I was that I didn't smoke any more. I had one evening with friends and a few too many drinks where I had an evening long relapse. And after that, I think 3 days in a row, I smoked one real cigarette a day. This coincided with me having a little summer cold, and being extremely fatigued from an endless 2 weeks at work, and I was just so beat down and my willpower was wrecked, blah blah blah. Anyway, I said to myself, I feel like I'm gonna buy a pack of cigarettes. I have to deal with this. So, I whipped up some more backbone and just made myself stop. I'm back on the eCig all the time again. I do find I am smoking the eCig a lot less too, sometimes at home I go all night without thinking about it. The real cigarette incidents were just that, incidents where I buckled in a stressful situation -- work has been a shitstorm, and I was working with a cold through it. It was always at work. However, overall, I pronounce quitting smoking basically handled.

I have struggled with some real emotional sabotage from myself. It's very defeating -- for example -- to get on the scale after you've worked out every day and followed your goals, and find you gained 3 lbs. That was a hard one, there were others. Like the night I totally caved and gave myself permission to eat a meal and half worth of food at midnight. The day after that, I actually said out loud to myself, "That's it, I failed, right? It's over?" And also when I went 4 days without doing any cardio or weight training whatsoever; after that little episode, I felt really like, ok this is it, I'm off the wagon, I know what's gonna happen, oh well it was a nice try. Oddly though, it's like I could actually really feel it coming over me like a pall or a filter, and each time I just said to myself, No, that is not gonna happen. I've taken those little failures and managed to channel the negative energy into motivation to do it right, and it's worked.

Of course, I wanted to just magically waste away to 175 lbs. and equally mysteriously somehow develop a big, bulked up chest and arms. But it doesn't work that way. Over the month, I've seen the direct effect of even a minimal fitness regimen. On the weeks where I have been consistent in my workouts I've also noticed decreased appetite in general, better sleep, and stable weight loss. Duh.

I have started to see some differences in my body. Nothing photo worthy yet, but in particular, I have noticed that my ass is getting cuter, which for me means bigger 'cause I have no ass. Apparently I have some now, and I'm going to have more. And I have noticed my arms starting to get some definition, and I can feel that my pecs and lats are building, although it's not very noticeable yet, it will be. So actually, I have no idea how much weight I might have for real, because I am definitely gaining muscle. My legs, in particular my thighs, are also starting to get really defined -- I already had ok legs, but they are starting to look really fit even to me.

I bought an elliptical and it turns out I love it. Who knew jogging stairs was what would work for me? I can jog 6 mph on it with the tension 2/3 of the way up for 15 min already, and I've only been using it 2 weeks. The curve was almost straight up, too. The first day I used it, I only made it two minutes and I had to do it one minute at a time. But I was up to 20 minutes within a couple days, first 20 min in 2 sessions at a moderate pace, and by this week I was up to the hard jog for 15 min after a 5 min warmup. I think I can take it up to 30 min pretty soon. For whatever reason, I took to the elliptical naturally. In fact, I know I can take it to 30 min because I've done 45 a couple days in multiple sessions, but I set my goal -- 20 minutes at this point, and I try to consider anything I so over goal to be gravy.

Same with my weight training. I'm sticking to my goals with the free weights, they have stayed the same the whole month which is fine with me. I'm still having a hard time finishing the reps in some of the sets, so I'm staying put until the sets are too easy. However, I do also do a little bit over goal every day, and a couple days I've tripled my sets, but again, I treat it like gravy. I was wicked sore the next day, and I don't want to make myself so sore I can't work out. Any activity at all is more than I was doing before.

So, overall, in spite of some setbacks, in fact possible because of them, I think I am on the road to resetting my physical lifestyle. I'm very proud of myself that I have managed to incorporate breakfast back into my diet -- I have drank a fresh fruit smoothie every single day but one, and that day I was groggy and cranky and I knew it was because I didn't make my smoothie. And it has helped me to feel hungry ealier in the day too, because instead of my body just being in starvation / fasting mode, I can actually tell my stomach is empty and I'm hungry. Weird that eating helps you control your eating, right? It's weird stuff, and even though the info is right there everywhere you look, it never clicked in my head before like this. I've never succeeded at this for a whole month before. Like, I feel like I really am making a sea change in my life. My personality of course is still mine, but I have felt like I am changing who I am.

At this point I am willing to say, not only will I look good in a tight t-shirt, I'm gonna have a hot body. It might take me a year, in fact I planned it to, but yeah. Hot body.

the "four digit meal"

1055 calorie lunch. (805 without the 20 oz. Coke.)

I don't care, I only like Coke Classic, I'll (literally) eat the 250 calories. I don't drink soda. I don't drink it at work, I don't order it out, and I buy Diet Ginger Ale for a mixer at home, which is all I use it for, and if I drink a cocktail out, I have soda water or... um, ice cubes. Once or twice a month maybe, I have a Coke with my lunch.

I am also trying to keep to my rule of getting most of my daily calories from fat, protein and carbs in the first half of the day, and focus on my calories from fiber in the second half. So, really my thousand calorie lunch is in keeping with the plan. I was shocked when I put it in my tracker and saw it, a "four-digit meal."

You get up, you get back on the horse

OK, so of course I had to go and brag about how I'd gotten my night eating under control. Then last night (including alcohol) I ate 3161 calories after midnight and then went and passed out. Woke up 6 lbs. heavier this morning. 6 pounds.

I know I didn't actually gain 6 real pounds, it's water retention and a couple pounds of food still going through my GI tract, but I can pretty much guarantee tomorrow I'll see the actual net gain from it, which will probably be a pound or even two.

I've had an interesting week. From the combination of tracking my calories / eating and holding to my no night eating rule I observed something amazing: as long as I didn't eat at night, like no later than 7 or 8 pm, I lost weight every day. It almost didn't matter what I ate during the day within reason, as long as I didn't eat too late into the evening, I was consistently dropping .5 to 1 lb. a day.

I also observed that on the days I "did it right" and ate the most of my calories, protein, carbs and fat early in the day, and focused on high fiber and complex carbs later in the day, it was much easier to control the urge to eat at night, and easier to make the right choices if I did eat anything. It made it sink in a little more the actual importance of eating when you're "dieting" -- it's not a "diet" if it doesn't include food. Starving yourself by skipping meals or excessive fasting, coupled with infrequent huge meals (usually two a day, right?) makes your body go into a low-level shock because your hypothalamus starts sending out survival signals to your body, triggering fat-generation mode. It really is really bad, a total "diet" killer. Your body is capable of converting almost any nutrient into fat to store the nutrition. Eating more frequently, and eating most of your protein, carbs and fat early in the day keeps your body fed and lets your metabolism work right.

I had an object lesson this week in how well it can work, and how ugly it can be when you fall off the wagon. 6 pounds worth of a lesson. I was horrified when I got on the scale this morning.

I have stayed on track with my fitness goals though. Interestingly even on the days I went a little retrograde in terms of my nutritional plan, I still got my cardio and weight training done. I have done one or the other every day, and both every day about 2 out of 3, not bad. My pecs and my deltoid and tricep are the ones that hurt. I have a pretty decent bicep, always have, although it has been way better before. And you really have to tighten up your tricep or you can't really see the bicep definition, and the tricep is where you get the grandma wing. I'm starting to see and feel a positive difference in my upper body, both in strength and in muscle shape, and it's very encouraging. It makes me actually like the burn. "That pain you feel today is the strength you will feel tomorrow."

Anyway, it's been a mixed bag this past week or thereabouts. Overall, I had a great week, stayed on my nutritional goals, got my fitness goals in every day, but then I really crashed & burned yesterday. It was not even a backslide, it was a total reversion. I didn't eat all day, then at about 4 pm, I ordered way too much food out after work, then starved myself again for almost 8 hours and ended up eating directly out of the refrigerator at 12:30.

I choose to take it as a lesson. I try to focus on the successes, and there were plenty, particularly in getting to the top of the curve on understanding and internalizing it all. Every failure I've experienced so far has served to reinforce why I need to do this. For some reason, I've been able to see why each failure has happened and what the consequences were, and channel my disappointment into motivation to do it right. It's working, but every time I have a bad day I really have to work through it with myself and keep reminding myself it's just a setback, not the end of the plan. You get up, you get back on the horse.

Lean meat protein returns

Interesting.

Well, I ate a beef burger yesterday at work. Here's why:

On Day 8, the first day of being off my vegan fast, I was really excited to be able to eat some cheese. So, I had a veggie burger with cheddar. And a side of mayo to dip my fries in. I know, I know, we'll talk about that later.

I was so disappointed, I almost tossed the whole thing in the trash can.

I don't know what I thought a slice of cheese was gonna do for me. I guess I thought it was going to transform my veggie burger into a Big Mac or something. No such luck, it was still a veggie burger. And I mistakenly told myself, It's because I wanted it to be a beef burger.

So, yesterday, 3 days later, I finally said, Screw it, I'm having a burger. It's a big flex, but whatever.

Again, I was so disappointed I almost dumped it in the bus tub. And, the taste of the meat actually repelled me a little. Not to mention also that in an 8oz. lean ground beef patty (like ours at work, which are 85/15 Angus beef -- good, lean beef) there are still 700 calories. Yes, 700. But, really I don't care about that as much as how disappointed I still was, just as disappointed as I was by the veggie burger.

So it forced me to think about it. Why? Why so despondent after my favorite splurge meal: a burger and fries?

I've realized now, today what it was. The vegan fast followed by remaining primarily vegetarian has caused me to eat so differently, and to enjoy such different foods, that chomping down a burger was just that, slurping down some high carb, high fat, work-crash food. There isn't much taste variety, not a lot texture, and the "flavor" really comes from the salt I shook all over it.

I think if I am going to "flex" again, it will be for fish or chicken. I do feel that I need some lean meat protein in my diet. The one positive I have experienced from eating that burger yesterday is that I did feel a lot more satisfied with my overall food yesterday, fuller, more satisfied, and I was able to control my night eating better. And I know it is from the added fat and protein I got from the beef. I just didn't like the taste, and ground beef of course is not exactly the best nutritional choice.

I am going to make a rule I think, that lean meat protein -- fish, chicken or turkey, is allowed in my diet no more than one serving a day. For the last two weeks I have struggled to get my protein values fulfilled, and it has caused me to go over on my carbs and calories a few times trying. Whereas... yesterday with 8 oz. of beef, I hit my protein goals for the day easily, over in fact, but not too bad. I am not only trying to lose weight. Muscle mass is part of my plan -- nice chest = nice pecs, which really means strength training, and protein is critical for that.

So, yes, some lean meat protein is going to come back into my diet.

Huge, Ugly Backslide

I've had a pretty serious backslide. Since my Vegan Fast challenge was over, I've pretty much gone off the wagon. I've remained vegetarian, but my eating patterns have gone back to how they were, and I've stopped exercising again.

I didn't really "lose" any weight, either, although I am below my top weigh-in weight. My weight has fluctuated by about 7 lbs. since June 1st. I dropped down as low as 226 and back up as high as 233. My weigh-in this morning was 230.8, so did I "lose" 2 lbs. since June 1st? Sure. But tomorrow I could be just as likely to get on the scale and see I'm at 235.

Since I've become conscious of the fact that "Night Eating Syndrome (NES)" is an actual, real thing, I've also been seeing my own behavior more critically. Reading the symptoms, it was just such a wake-up, it was a description of my exact eating pattern. (Note: it was the same exact Oh My God Moment I had when I read the "Top 10 Signs You Are Experiencing Domestic Violence" pamphlet the sheriffs left me after they arrested my ex, and I was like, "Oh my god, really? Every one?) Like, knowing that it actually is something means I can begin working out how to deal with it.

Last night I had a major NES experience. It was after 11pm, I hadn't eaten much all day. I was starting to feel hungry. And I said to myself, I'm not gonna pig out. But I knew I was going to eat something, so I told myself, it's ok to eat something. So I had a medium sized bowl of my homemade vegan chili, which is also very low calorie and fat and high fiber, etc. It's only about 250 calories. Then, that uncontrollable urge to eat started to come over me, and I could feel it and I tried to tell myself, It's happening, you know it's happening, just make it stop, ignore it, whatever. I totally failed. Within the space of 90 minutes -- right before I went to bed, too -- I ate not only that bowl of chili, but three, yes 3, cheese sandwiches (12 grain bread, extra sharp cheddar, mayo.) I wasn't even hungry any more after the chili, I could feel that my belly was full, and I still ate all three of those sandwiches. Oh yeah and about a cup of fat-free cottage cheese. (Added later. Just remembered that.)

I didn't realize it at the time of course, but thinking about it this morning I realized that a major portion of these extreme overeating nights happen on days I don't eat enough during the day. Duh, right? But what I mean is these episodes have a metabolic element to them that I never made the two-plus-two with before. Even though my stomach is full from the first meal, for example a bowl of chili, my body is still suffering a major caloric / nutritional deficit for the day so my eating impulse is still turned on full. So not only am I struggling with a lifelong pattern of "comfort snacking" at night, but I am also experiencing a legitimate biological imperative -- your body knows it is starving so it wants to eat.

Note, I also drank yesterday. I had one cocktail (vodka, soda water, and lime) at Pat's Pizza with Kim, then two more at Lysa's, and then I drank 3 glasses of wine at home. I know the alcohol is a major contributor, both to my empty calories and to lowered willpower when it comes to controlling my eating / making the right dietary choices.

Without the alcohol, I was only at about 1700 calories yesterday, which isn't a dramatic caloric deficit, but it is for my body which is still accustomed to taking in upwards of 3000 a day. Including the alcohol and the late night binge eating, I took in 4364 calories, more than double my caloric goal range, I also more than doubled my carb goal and nearly doubled my fat. The only thing that was in line was my protein, which is probably negated by the alcohol -- alcohol consumption in particular hampers your body's ability to process protein, and converts it to fat instead. The food alone that I ate after 11pm was a 1900 calorie binge, which is near the top of my caloric goal for the entire day. No surprise I woke up this morning and had gained about 1 lb. (0.7 lbs.) My caloric intake yesterday was somewhere around 2500 calories over my break-even which is just about 3/4 of a pound of body fat.

A few things are clear to me.

• I need to roll back my drinking again
• I am going to just be honest about it, that I am not interested in not drinking. I like to have a cocktail or a beer after work a couple days a week and I enjoy my "happy hour" visits with Lysa, and once in a while you just need to tie one on.
• However, I think I can revive my old rule, no drinking at home.
• I need to eat more, earlier in the day, and eat more frequently throughout the day
• I need to get more of my calories and nutrition throughout the day so my body does not go into starvation mode and start sabotaging me from the inside by making my eating impulse go into overdrive.
• This can be a problem at work because often it is too busy to order a meal, or I only have the opportunity to eat one meal either at the very beginning or the very end of my shift. I may have to start bringing food that is ready to eat.
• I need to exercise every day
• I can't take a day off. A day off for me is really just me saying, "OK, that was enough of that." It's my subconscious sabotage. I know I can't do strength training every day, but I've got to include some kind of cardio or strength training or both into every day.
• I think to accomplish this, I need to start viewing exercise the same way I view my caloric intake -- there has to be a certain baseline I achieve every day.
• Because I am not going to exclude alcohol from my diet, exercise becomes even more important for compensating for the empty caloric intake and the dampening effect on your metabolism.
• More on this later

When I woke up this morning, I felt very discouraged and disappointed with myself. Since I've been processing what happened, and applying some critical thinking, as well as some brutal honesty to it, I am feeling more like I can get back on track. It's a setback, not the end of the project. It's not a "project" it's my life. Wasn't it Rocky Balboa who said something like, "It's not how hard you can hit that matters, it's how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward." (Thanks Lysa for the quote.)

Day 6 and 7

Day 6. All of that, all good.

Day 7........

I want a f***ing omelette SO bad it's almost funny. Last day of the vegan fast....

UG. Being vegan is hard.

Like..... I had no problem staying on the diet, but I did feel deprived. Like, poor vegans. They're missing out. On cheese. And eggs. And Yogurt. Those are my 3.

Weighed in this AM at 228.8, so... what? I "gained" less than half a pound. Overall it means I dropped 5 lbs. in 7 days. No surprise, as I've been shitting like 8 times a day. Thank you fiber. However -- EXACTLY the point of the 7-day vegan fast.

Um, and being vegan is HARD. I'd think of or see some food that is "vegetarian" (ova-lacto) and be like, "Um, I want that. Mmmmm." And then, "Oh, f**k. It's not vegan." And then it was instantly off-limits, but I still was all, Damn. Thank God I'm not actually vegan.

OK, so the real, true, vegan report:

2 actual non-vegan slips: I ate some sherbet. Probably a cup. Ish. And at work I have put a splash of milk in my coffee a couple times a day, like a tablespoon or less. Not too bad.

Hm.

So. The real challenge is coming up. Re-incorporating dairy into my diet without going over on my fat intake........

Day 5 (yesterday)

Yesterday was Day 5.

No smoking, check.
Vegan diet, check.

I did not do any exercise yesterday. My whole body was sore, I figured I needed a day off.

I am starting to have a hard time with the vegan fast. No staying on the diet, I just really, really want some dairy. I'm having a hard time getting enough protein, which you get quite a bit of from cheese and yogurt. LOL -- I have one of those mixed veggie & cheddar "steamers" in the freezer and every time I open the door, I think, God, I want that.

Saturday. Saturday, I will go back to ova-lacto. And I'm gonna eat an egg. Mmmm.

Hormones and weight loss - eat more to lose more?

I've been reading about hormones and how they effect weight loss. Two hormones in particular are critical to eating, or over-eating: Ghrelin, and Leptin.

Ghrelin is a hormone produced by your stomach lining that triggers hunger, tells you to eat.
Leptin is a hormone produced by fat cells that signals satiety, or tells you to stop eating.

Here is an excellent article that covers these hormones and their role in weight loss in plain language.

Ghrelin is a very critical hormone, with receptors throughout your body, and is related not only to eating impulse, but also to learning and cognitive adaptation and helps to regulate neurons in your hippocampus. It is also an important factor in the production and regulation of the human growth hormone.

Leptin, from the Greek, Leptos, which means "thin," is an important horomone which not only tells us we are full after a meal, but helps to support your circulatory system, lungs, and bone health. Obese people often have developed a resistance to Leptin, which is believed to be induced by high-fructose interaction (a.k.a.: eating a lot of sugar,) meaning that people who are already overweight really, hormonally have a dampened / suppressed "fullness signal."

So how do these hormones effect weight loss? Other than by the obvious, turning on and off our eating urge?

Well, put simply, "dieting" really doesn't work, not in the traditional sense. Over-restricting your caloric intake unbalances Ghrelin and Leptin in your body and causes your body to go into fat storage mode. The goal is to keep your Ghrelin (eat) low and your Leptin (stop eating) high, but to do that you have to eat. This seems counter-intuitive, again. All weight loss plans involve calorie restriction.

In order to keep your hormonal balance, you need to reduce caloric intake but increase the volume and the frequency of meals. Again, sounds counter-intuitive, right? Eat more? Well, yes. Eat whole foods that are low-fat and high fiber. Fiber is a critical nutrient in feeling satisfied after a meal. Dietary fiber has so many health benefits it is worth a whole blog entry of it's own. Dietary fiber naturally reduces cholesterol, and delays the absorption of glucose  (sugar) which keeps your blood sugar more stable, thus allowing Leptin to work better and tell your body to stop eating. The real, metabolic reason fiber makes you feel fuller is because you are fuller -- dietary fiber has no calories, but it increases food volume. There you have it: reduce caloric intake but increase the volume and the frequency of meals.

Here is a list of high-fiber foods from the Mayo Clinic.

So, that's the big secret. Eat more and you can lose weight better, you just need to follow a couple simple rules. Higher food volume, lower caloric value.

Night Eating Syndrome?

So, I've always had a problem with late night eating. I've always considered it a bad habit. Turns out it might be more than just a habit, it could actually be related to hormone levels, and it is also a syndrome that has scholarly research backing it.

Turns out NES (Night Eating Syndrome) was actually defined as a legitimate psychological syndrome in 1955, but little research was ever done until the 1990's. As of this time, it is being proposed for inclusion in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

Reading the description of the syndrome is like reading about myself. Basically, every bullet point is right on track with my own behaviors:

People who suffer from Night Eating Syndrome generally:

• Skip breakfast, and go several hours after waking before their first meal.

• Consume at least 25% of their calories after dinner.

• Late-night binges almost always consist of consuming carbohydrates. (Carbohydrates tend to shoot messages to the brain to produce serotonin, which induces sleep.) However, this eating is typically spread over several hours, which is not consistent with a typical eating binge as evidenced by other eating disorders. Episodes of late-night binge-eating can be repeated throughout the night, with many separate visits to the fridge or cupboard.

• Suffer from depression or anxiety, often in connection with their eating habits.

• Affect and arousal decrease throughout the day with the lowest levels being in the middle of night-eating episodes.

• These night eating episodes typically bring guilt rather than hedonistic enjoyment.

• Have trouble sleeping in general.

• Are more likely than the general public to sleepwalk.

I don't sleep walk, as far as I know, but otherwise, that is exactly me. The one that really snapped my attention was the skipping breakfast thing. I know that is a very common dieting no-no and a lot of people do it, but I always have. I've always known that I was skipping breakfast because I wasn't really hungry -- I am still satisfied in the morning from my late night eating. But I've always rationalized it away by saying, "Well, you know caffeine is a major appetite suppressant." Um, yeah. People drink coffee and still manage to eat breakfast.

Also, I have often said that I "binge eat." I don't binge eat in the typical way, but I find very often that my evening "snack" really (at least calorie-wise) becomes the equivalent of another whole meal, or even two whole meals. I can easily consume 1000 calories before bedtime, and almost always it is through, "many separate visits to the fridge." Even though that is not typical binge eating behavior, I have always felt that is what it is, and I have struggled with it because I truly feel sometimes that I can't control it. 

The real problem for me is that the situation is counter-intuitive. For example, when I was doing Weight Watchers, I would save a lot of my "points" for night time, so I could still get my late night satisfaction and not go over my points allotment for the day. This always let me to being hungry during the day though, or eating food that wasn't what I really wanted like an all-veggie salad with no dressing as my main meal of the day. Sure, it's low-points (on WW) but it also wasn't satisfying me, nor was it delivering the protein and carbs that I needed to get through my day, which in turn caused me to load up on bread, cheese, crackers, dips, etc -- all those high carb comfort foods that we all love -- at night. Sure, I technically stayed on my "diet" but not really. What I was (am) really doing is justifying and accommodating my binge eating. When I eat more during the day, I really am able to better control the late night eating. It's just a matter of doing it. Those old, conditioned behaviors are hard to get on top of. 

Above, I have linked to Wikipedia.

Here is the actual scholarly research: International Journal of Obesity

And here is a related study about NES being related to Depression, Weight Gain, Low Self Esteem, and Sleep Disorders: From the Wiley Online Library