Weigh-In Wednesday -- lost 2 lbs.

Weigh-In Wednesday -- yes I know it's Friday, it's been a long week, ok?
236 lbs., lost 2 lbs., total lost overall 17 lbs.

Funny because I felt like I went way off the rails again last week. I struggled with some bad patterns still, but I stayed on plan in terms of what I actually ate, so even though I did overeat a few times and I still ate late at night a couple times, it was hummus and wasabi peas, not pizza and cheese sandwiches.

I have had to make a few adjustments to my diet again.
I have to be realistic about myself and how I want to eat.
The dramatic alterations I have made to my diet have actually led me to binge eat a few times because I was so carb-starved, I just lost control and went way overboard,

Food confession: (in case you think I'm kidding, or exaggerating about it being a binge....) one night after a few drinks and having not eaten more than a salad all day I ate 6 Jimmy Dean Sausage, Egg & Cheese Biscuits (yes, six) plus about 3/4 lb. of swiss cheese and 3/4 lb. of sliced turkey rolled up and dipped in hummus, and an entire 2 lb. package of dried mango. Then went straight to bed.

At any rate, that, along with a few other considerations has made me realize I need to re-introduce a modest amount of "bready" carbs into my diet. To that end, I have implemented the following allowances:

• Pasta, whole wheat or white, twice a week if I want them, 1 serving per time only, measured
• I like a breakfast sandwich, so I bought English muffins & sausage patties (I always have eggs & cheese already) and will allow ONE a day
• I need a carby snack at night, I just do. So I bought a box of Saltine crackers, and will allow 10-15 crackers at night, with a dip like hummus or salsa or both
• Pizza. I have decided that I may have 2 pizzas a month, any kind I want, and I will eat it all in one sitting if I feel like it

I feel like these allowances are going to help me get back on the wagon, The fact that I did them last week and still lost 2 lbs. tells me it's possible. I don't regret dramatically restricting my diet for a few weeks, it really allowed me to feel some success in the form of some dramatic weight drop, which felt really good. And it facilitated me breaking my heavy reliance on high carb foods. And it forced me to be creative in order to get enough food, which in turn led me to try new foods and new combinations of foods. It was positive, even the crash & burn a couple weeks ago ended up being positive because it led me realize I had to find a way to make it work without giving up a few things I really love. And that I really WAS going to do it, not just give up and go back to my old ways like I always have before. I'm gonna do this dammit,

Some backslide

Ug. Some backslide.

I'm having a really hard time getting to the gym right now. I've only been once this week, and I feel like I'm not going to go today.... I still might. This blog entry might help. Might.

My work has gone wild. We are getting crushed every day, it's so stressful and hectic -- hectic doesn't even cover it, it's mayhem -- and I am so tired that even though I have been getting 8+ hours of sleep most nights, I am still just drained and weak and have no willpower.

I have the feeling like I only have so much bandwidth, and my job (I wait tables at a super popular breakfast restaurant for those who don't know... maybe strangers read this...) has expanded across my bandwidth to the point that it is taking up my social time and my personal time. I worked 13 hours yesterday. I was up at 6:45 am, out of the house by 8, and I wasn't home til 11:30 pm -- I went out for ONE DRINK, which I only halfheartedly applied myself to drinking. We were at Chummies maybe 20 minutes and I was all, "Um, yeah, I gotta go home."

I went to the gym AFTER work on Tuesday. Yeah no. Trying to go after work.... hell no. I've got to go in the morning when I'm still fresh and have a lot of energy from sleeping. I managed to fight my way through my workout Tuesday night, but it was awful -- and I usually enjoy it, even if it's hard to do..... No. So, I've got to get back on the morning workout schedule. Somehow.

And........

SMOKING.

Also related to stress I'm sure. About a week ago, I bought a pack of cigarettes. And another. And another..... etc.

The last two days I have forced myself not to buy any and I am back on my eCig, but I've still bummed a few off people. And today I am really feeling the nicotine withdrawal. I'm not flipping out because there is still nicotine in the eCig, but I am ... yeah, I'm feeling it. I just caught myself looking through the trash can for cigarette butts. Not good.

I'll get all of this settled again. And I'm trying not to make excuses. But I feel like it's not completely an excuse, on either count. The stress level at work right now is so high I dream about it, after falling into my bed exhausted every night. I don't even go out any more.

One up side, I guess. I am dropping weight on the scale. Stress diet. I know it's not ideal, but at least it makes me feel like I am makign progress on ONE of my goals.