Some backslide

Ug. Some backslide.

I'm having a really hard time getting to the gym right now. I've only been once this week, and I feel like I'm not going to go today.... I still might. This blog entry might help. Might.

My work has gone wild. We are getting crushed every day, it's so stressful and hectic -- hectic doesn't even cover it, it's mayhem -- and I am so tired that even though I have been getting 8+ hours of sleep most nights, I am still just drained and weak and have no willpower.

I have the feeling like I only have so much bandwidth, and my job (I wait tables at a super popular breakfast restaurant for those who don't know... maybe strangers read this...) has expanded across my bandwidth to the point that it is taking up my social time and my personal time. I worked 13 hours yesterday. I was up at 6:45 am, out of the house by 8, and I wasn't home til 11:30 pm -- I went out for ONE DRINK, which I only halfheartedly applied myself to drinking. We were at Chummies maybe 20 minutes and I was all, "Um, yeah, I gotta go home."

I went to the gym AFTER work on Tuesday. Yeah no. Trying to go after work.... hell no. I've got to go in the morning when I'm still fresh and have a lot of energy from sleeping. I managed to fight my way through my workout Tuesday night, but it was awful -- and I usually enjoy it, even if it's hard to do..... No. So, I've got to get back on the morning workout schedule. Somehow.

And........

SMOKING.

Also related to stress I'm sure. About a week ago, I bought a pack of cigarettes. And another. And another..... etc.

The last two days I have forced myself not to buy any and I am back on my eCig, but I've still bummed a few off people. And today I am really feeling the nicotine withdrawal. I'm not flipping out because there is still nicotine in the eCig, but I am ... yeah, I'm feeling it. I just caught myself looking through the trash can for cigarette butts. Not good.

I'll get all of this settled again. And I'm trying not to make excuses. But I feel like it's not completely an excuse, on either count. The stress level at work right now is so high I dream about it, after falling into my bed exhausted every night. I don't even go out any more.

One up side, I guess. I am dropping weight on the scale. Stress diet. I know it's not ideal, but at least it makes me feel like I am makign progress on ONE of my goals.

I've lost 2 inches off my belly

Good news.

I just broke my own rule and measured my belly NOT on the 1st of the month. (I am trying to only take my measurements monthly.)

Anyway, I was very pleased to see that I have lost a total of 2 inches off my belly circumference. And that means I've lost 1 1/4" since I last measured myself 3 weeks ago and had lost 3/4 of an inch. Which means it coincides with the timeframe that I got the elliptical and started serious cardio every day.

That's almost double the fat loss from dieting alone. 

 I think that was the final piece of the puzzle. That's some real, empirical proof that it's working. Ya know? I was starting to doubt myself really bad, like.... is it all in my head? Have I just convinced myself that it's working so I don't have to feel bad about failing? But no. It really is working. That's fantastic.

So that's it. Either today or tomorrow I am going to go join the Y.

maybe it's time to join a gym

OK.

So my elliptical is broken.

The bolt that connects the left pedal to the fly wheel is stripped, so bad they couldn't re-fit it at the auto shop. Plus, it is a "left handed" specialty bolt that basically can only be replaced by the company that makes the elliptical. I tried the electric tape around the bolt head thing -- nope, it held for about 10 seconds and slam it was off again. Blah, blah, blah, I could go on and on about how I've spent almost all of my day except when I was at work either driving store to store trying to get it fixed, or at home trying to McGyver it.... it's broken, that's that.

So -- do I, a) buy another one so that one can break too in 3 weeks, or b) buy an even more expensive one and hope it doesn't break, c) buy a different cardio machine, or d) say f--k it and go join a gym?

I feel like I am on a precipice where my whole fitness and health goals are about to fall apart. When it happened this morning -- like 90 seconds into my workout -- I felt so discouraged that right at that moment I said, "Fine, I give up. WTF?? Is fate against me??" I finally find the motivation to put serious dedication into working out, like legitimate working out -- including spending a significant chunk of money on home workout equipment..... I mean, really???? I swear it feels like one of those "well that's just how my life always goes" moments, you know what I mean?

In addition to this, I have also gained weight. Gained. I'm doing my elliptical 5-6 days a week for 30 min a day and I gained weight. Around 4 lbs., which is minor, but still, that combined with my elliptical breaking and I was like, "Are you kidding me? Is this really happening?" I just had that feeling, that sinking feeling in my chest, like no matter what I do it fails. I've done this right, all of it, by the book and I've applied myself to the point that I don't feel right unless I get my workout in. Really? Me? Kyle the Fat Kid needs to work out to feel ok?

Demons begone, right?

So throughout the day at work as I was mulling over the situation.....

I realized that I was going to do something about it. I'm not going to give up.

I went to Wal-Mart after work and looked at cardio equipment. And as I was looking at them, considering just saying fuck it and buying either another elliptical or bike or something, I kept thinking to myself, I should just buck up and get over my thing about the gym and go join the Y. I did talk myself into walking over to the DIY section and getting some McGyver materials before I just bought another one, so I came home with electric tape, galvanized wire and bungee cords. (None of that worked.) However, even before my attempted solution failed, I still kept having that back burner conversation with myself about the gym.

I just have issues with the gym. I feel so uncomfortable working out in front of other people.

But, I also think I can get over that. I've found that since I quit smoking, I can work out a lot longer and a lot harder and since I have been also doing strength training I can lift more. I think I will be able to just focus on my workout and not be so worried that I look dumb or people are staring at me or whatever. I also think that having a variety of equipment and training options and a fully set up gymnasium at my disposal would be awesome.

Anyway.... I think that covers it. I'm gonna mull it over for another day or two.